SHE | alex karev

chapter fifty nine

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CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
sympathy for the devil.
season five, episodes twelve
and thirteen.

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There was just something about the life she was currently living that Billie found really annoying.

She'd been thinking about it. Or, rather, she'd been tossing and turning in bed all night long for the previous two days, unable to even close her eyes long enough to drift into a sleep and forced to go for night walks in order to satiate her anxiety. But things didn't ever go her way.

(Not only because, in one of her night endeavors, she had found on a bookshelf an old picture of her parents and had been horrifyingly reminded that Ian's house had unequivocally also been Ivory and Frank's house, but also because the universe seemed to be set against her lately. Although, thinking back to it, that picture had left her alarmingly numb...)

Billie had been having a very hard time. She'd been overdosing on benzodiazepine for forty-eight hours, hoping to somehow tame the lurking tire that held her to her wake, but eventually, she'd realized that it wasn't insomnia keeping her eyes open-it was, instead, her pervading thoughts, all of which circled around two main things:

Number One: Cristina Yang.

It had been over a week since their fight. Sure, they had apologized to one another (at least made a pathetic attempt at it, which had only resulted in fueled anger, maximized rivalry and the two of them lashing out at one another to the point of overtly insulting each other in their workspace), but the action had only been a light breeze on Billie's ear, from which she only felt the beginning and missed the end. The apology had been completely and utterly ineffective and now, things between Billie and Cristina were the tensest they had been in a while.

Sadly, both of them were stubborn little things and none of them were planning on offering an olive branch to the other one. It would be long before they realized they couldn't live with one another, but for the time being, Billie thought Cristina was selfish and Cristina thought Billie was self-centered. There was just no sorting it out.

Number Two: Alex Karev.

If unpredictability was a person, it would be him.

Billie liked to thing she was a pragmatic person-if she wanted to do something, she did it, and she did it right. Not once had she found herself performing half-assed jobs or leaving behind empty conversations-not even abandoning lousy trysts to save her life. There was something about depthless tasks that made Billie cripple with anxiety.

But whenever she thought about Alexander fucking Karev, she realized she had absolutely no clue what she was doing. Or what he was doing, for that matter, since, apparently and even though Billie had always had a dominant personality, he'd always have the upper hand when it came to their relationship. And she hated admitting that he had that much power over her, but there was just no denying it-Billie Black had a soft spot for Alex Karev, and that, she knew.

However, she did not like it.

She did not enjoy flowing with the tide, letting it decide the pace and the rhythm. She wanted to take control, but it only took a glimpse of him for her to crumble, and she loathed him because of it. He had her so nicely wrapped around his finger that it made her want to bang her head against the wall.

She was not able to perform this job right, and it made her stomach swirl like struck by monsoons.

And, at some point (not yet, but soon), she'd come to the conclusion that, if she had felt that feeling correctly before, she would've been able to determine what it was before it fucked her over.