SHE | alex karev

chapter seventeen

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CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
as we know it.
season two, episode seventeen.

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Billie didn't believe in God.

There wasn't any particular reason, but she'd just never really felt identified with any religion. More than once, she'd considered herself to be agnostic, but the title didn't feel right either, so whenever she was asked, she'd just say she was open-minded and shared collective conscious. As if it made any sense-but when do the words of an eight-year-old ever make sense?

Billie didn't pray. She didn't kneel in front of her bed every night and ask for what she needed, she didn't thank God before every meal, she didn't go to church on Sundays. She wasn't Christian, like many people around her were.

What Billie did think was that believing there was someone, anyone, looking down on her, making sure she was okay, was somewhat comforting. That there was a greater authority that had the answers to everything, even to the things that didn't have an answer. Someone to blame all the bad stuff on, because if it happened, it happened for a reason.

She didn't believe in God, but she did believe in her anyone. She believed in her someone.

When Billie put her hand inside that body cavity, the first thing she thought was in her someone, and her mind quickly rallied over to two possible outcomes: her someone had planned for this to happen, or her someone was truly disappointed in her. None of the options satisfied her.

Because why, why, why would her someone put her through this? Why exactly had they made Billie perform such knee-jerk reaction, even knowing it could've-and still could-cost her entire life?

When Billie put her hand inside that body cavity, the first thing she did was close her eyes and pray. Not because she believed in God, but because she believed her someone was there, and her someone wouldn't let her die. At least that's what she told herself as she exhaled words under her breath, and prayed.

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"You realize how stupid that was?" Dylan stood close behind Billie as the intern struggled to keep her breath calm.

Next to her, Cristina kept a steady, intermittent squeeze on the Ambu bag, and Burke had left to try and convince Derek to evacuate, but Billie could focus on nobody but herself. On her erratic pulse, on her heavy breathing, and on the fact that she was on the verge of a panic attack.

"It was, Bil, incredibly stupid," Cristina added, sounding stressed just from her harsh tone.

"Okay, you know when you don't need to be made fun of? Like when you've got your hand inside a body that's got a bomb in it and a stranger is velcro-ing a flak jacket to your boobs?" Meredith butted in in her friend's defence, standing on the opposite side of the operating table. "Billie doesn't need you making fun of her right now, she's pretty stressed as she is."

The people in the room stayed quiet, and even if Billie couldn't even breathe, she silently hoped Meredith heard her thanks. She kept her prayers on a loop.

Please, if anyone's up there, don't let me die.

Meredith and Cristina shared concerned looks before the former spoke, "She had a feeling. We had a feeling."

"What's that?" Dylan asked, confused, as he kept softly attaching the jacket around Billie.

Meredith paused, "Nothing."