A/N: so before we start, I'm just going to say that this chapter may have some triggering subjects for some people, so please be careful... and I don't personally know anyone who has dealt drug abuse, nor have I, So this is all just from what I could get off of the internet.
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"I barely remember a time in One Direction where I was sober, after we'd done the interview where we talked about our first performance of What Makes You Beautiful, that was when I shot up for the first time. I'd gone to a party with Ed, and once I was drunk enough to not know where I was, I shot up with some dude who had a ton of Heroin."
Nick nods, watching Harry carefully as he knows this interview is going to be the hardest thing he's ever done. "What made you give it up? Because you said earlier that you were addicted for almost five years." Harry nods, his tongue darting out to lick his lips.
"I-I... um.... wow, sorry... um, I got sober because I found out I was pregnant with mine and Louis' daughter...." he pauses, looking to where Louis is sitting with her, their little angel who got caught up his mess and he will forever hate himself for that. "Sorry.... um, I'd OD'd once again and when I got to the hospital, they did an ultrasound and I found out I was pregnant. I'm not going to lie and make it seem like giving up was easy, because it wasn't, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.... and the saddest part about is that I kept using it throughout my pregnancy, I remember my waters breaking and driving myself to the hospital because Lou was with Liam and Niall... and I literally shoot up just before I walked in. They had to take me in for an emergency C-Section because I was to high to even stand once it hit me."
He feels the tears coming, the lump in his throat building, and he hopes for once he can keep them at bay while he talks about his dark past.
"When she was born, she was only 1 pound 4 ounces, I had her at 25 weeks.... and the saddest part about the whole bloody thing was that she was born addicted to Heroin because I made a stupid mistake..... umm, I remember when Lou came and he saw her in the incubator, that was the breaking point for him. He didn't want to put up with my shit anymore because I'd almost cost our daughter her life."
"So, when I finally realised that I had to stop, I took myself to a rehab centre and got clean. That was honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to do, that first week was the hardest week of my life. Because your brain is telling your body that you need it, most people have like a thing they do to distract themselves from the cravings, and mine was workout. I worked out pretty much all day everyday, that was my life until they let me out because I was fully clean. My therapist had told me that if I ever needed to talk about something his door was always open, and if I was thinking about doing it again to go and see him immediately.... and I did a few times, until I could handle things on my own."
Nick smiles down to Louis and their daughter, gesturing them up to the stage to sit with himself and Harry. "How did you deal with Harry's addiction Louis? Especially when he fell pregnant.... I imagine that would have been hard for you to see."
Louis nods, readjusting their daughter on his lap. "Yeah definitely, it was really hard seeing Bri like she was in the NICU, I remember so clearly seeing her with tubes and wires hooked up to her, a big tube that was almost as big as she was, was helping her breathe. She kept shaking as well and that was scary because I didn't know why she was and all the nurses kept saying to me was she's just getting used to this new environment because she was born prematurely." The small toddler looks up to her father's smiling at them. "Dada... wan'uddle." She says, making grabby hands at Harry, who gladly takes the child. He cuddles her close, kissing her head and whispering in her ear.
Louis keeps talking as Harry tries to get the small girl to sleep. "He kept it hidden from me for years, until just before he OD'd and we found out... then he said he'd gotten clean for the baby, but when I saw her.... in that incubator, I couldn't deal with that anymore. It had almost cost Bri her life and I was so so angry with him for that, so once I'd gotten myself together, I marched down his room and completely lost it. By the time I finished I was red in the face and had tears streaming down my face." Nick nods, looking to Harry and smiling at the small girl cuddled on his lap.
"Harry, you mentioned earlier that you didn't talk or have any communication with you family for three years."
Harry nods, stroking the small girls hair. "Yeah, it went from weekly calls to monthly and then to whenever I remembered until I was using enough of the stuff to not remember anything... so I never called them and when mum found out, the only thing I remember from that night are her tears, so after I left, I deleted her number, Gemma's, Robin's, my dad's, anyone who knew me from childhood I deleted their number. Because I didn't want them to get in the way my use."
"Louis, did you ever witness Harry taking the drugs?"
Louis nods, then shudders at the thought of Harry shooting up in the bathroom. "I only ever saw him do it once, we were playing in London, at the O2 and we were sharing a dressing room... I needed the bathroom and when I opened the door I saw him over the sink with the needle stuck in his arm and a band above that, the spoon and lighter were in the sink and he was so concentrated on getting that stuff into him that didn't hear me, not until I fell to the floor and started sobbing."
The small girl moves on Harry's lap, cuddling in closet to him and sticking her thumb in her mouth. "Before you ask Nick, no I don't remember that.... I don't remember Lou ever seeing me shooting up or anything else."
"So how have you been officially clean for?"
"Two years in three month, two months after our baby turns two." Nick nods, looking at the papers in his hands. "Because you used Heroin during your pregnancy did that mean that your daughter was born with disabilities?"
Harry nods a little, looking down at the small girl in his arms. "Because of my stupid decisions, Bri has a developmental delay which means that she's less developed mentally then other children her age.... you probably saw when she was talking to me before, she has difficulty talking..... I don't like to make it about me but, everyday I hate myself a little more because I made this happen to her, it's my fault that she has a disability." The small girl starts to wake, whimpering as she opens her eyes.
"Hey baby girl, daddy's here... don't worry, look there's uncle Nicky." Nick waves as she peers over at him, smiling shyly and then looking to the audience. She points at them, with a questioning glance at Harry. "They're here to see daddy and papa baby, don't worry."
"Wan' dodo." She mumbles, sucking on her thumb. Louis quickly stands, rushing down to where he and Bri were sitting and grabbing her nappy bag. "Here you go darling." Louis smiles as he hands the small girl her pacifier.
"I've been told Harry, that you're going to sing us a few songs?" Harry nods, and asking his daughter if she wants to sit with Louis or stay with him. And of course she picks the latter.
He walks up to the stage, getting Briella's earmuffs on the way. "So this first song I wrote while I was externally high, you guys probably know the words, so please sing along.... what's daddy gunna song baby? Do you remember?" He asks the small girl on his hip, she shakes her head making the audience chuckle. "Firstly I'm going to be singing If I Could Fly, I'll just tell you a little bit about it before I start...."
He sits down on the provided stool, sitting the small girl on his lap. "So, as I said, when I wrote this I was extremely high. This was during a time when I wasn't getting the high like I used to, I was just using so I wouldn't go through the withdrawal.... and Lou and I kept fighting about it, this was just after I'd found out I was pregnant, we were fighting so much and my escape was always the studio, so I went and I wrote this."
He looks over to Mitch, who starts to strum the intro.
After finishing the beautiful song, he does a few more, some new, some old and some not even by him. When he's done singing, he walks back down and sits next to Louis, Briella still say with him.
"That was lovely Harry, but getting straight back into it... you said earlier that just before you went in to give birth, you shot up, how did that affect the birth of Briella?"
"It did yeah, so when she was born she had a really low birth weight, she was really premature and had NAS or neonatal abstinence syndrome, which pretty much means she was born addicted to heroin. So after they took her from me, they had to put in a drip and give her morphine, because it has the same affects the body. And slowly but surely, they weaned her off of it."
Nick nods, smiling at the small toddler. "How did your family feel when you got back in contact with them and told them that you had a child?"
Harry sighs, scratching his neck and swallowing thickly. "Well..... Lou helped me a hell of a lot... um, I called my sister, Gemma, first.... then after we'd sorted everything out she told me I had to get in contact with mum because she felt like it was her fault I'd done all the drugs and not kept in contact with them... so after I put it off for like a month, I finally called her and we arranged to met the next day for lunch."
He looks out to the crowed, seeing his mother and smiling sadly at her, she has tears streaming down her face, Gemma is sat next her and is trying to comfort her.
"We uh.... we..... we met the next day and we pretty much just cried to each other, we sat and cried for like three hours and I told her everything. I was so nervous that she wouldn't accept me, but she's my mother and she's the most accepting person I know. Once we cleared everything up, we went and had lunch for the first time in years and I felt complete. For the first time since I'd started using and after I'd finished rehab, I felt complete, and it was the best feeling ever."
He laughs wetly, wiping his eyes as Louis places a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
"When I told mum she was a grandmother... she screamed, I remember saying it and then everyone in the cafe looking at us like we were crazy. Pretty much the same thing happened with Gemma, they were both excited to meet her... and when they did, of course they were both shocked because yes, I had told them she had a disability but it's different hearing about it and then seeing it in person. So they were shocked but they took it well...." Nick nods, looking down the barrel of one of the cameras.
"Thank you for watching, this is it from me, Nicholas Grimshaw... bye."
Ok so, this is way way over due... I started writing this on the 16th of May so a little while ago but I wanted it to be perfect and I'm still not really sure about it, but we tried. Anyway, I hope you guys are well, leave me some prompt please, I'm in need! I love you guys!