13th Doctor x reader

Funeral

You held onto the TARDIS as she took off, shaking about as she took you back home. That was the last place you wanted to be right now but you couldn't exactly sit around and never face it. But you knew you had to. You didn't even know how it was capable of you to still love him after everything he did. You should hate him. But you didn't. But you did at the same time. It was so confusing. But loving him made the pain of loosing him hurt ten times more. It was hard. And the shock of it yesterday broke down all the walls you'd built up. So much so that you cried and actually managed to hug someone when normally you'd be panicking if someone did so. Sure you'd become a lot more comfortable with the help of the doctor with contact but hugs were something else.

You were only brought out of your thoughts when the TARDIS landed with a thud and stopped jolting about. You untangled your arms from the golden shard, taking a few steps away from the pillar. You didn't think twice before walking towards the TARDIS doors.

You opened the door, ignoring the tightness in your chest from the anxiety. You didn't even know what you were going to say. To Jo, to Charlie, to everyone. And you would have to make a speech as well. That was going to be interesting.

You stepped out and instantly felt rain batter your head. You sighed, not believing your luck. It was like Mother Nature was like 'hey, your life isn't shit enough already so imma just throw buckets of water over you to make you look more the part'.

"That's bloody lovely" you whispered to yourself, looking ahead through the rain.

You saw the familiar building which had held so many of your family member's funerals before. You hoped you'd never have to go near that building again but here you were.

You walked in the rain towards the big doors. You didn't wait for the others to catch up to you. You knew they were all close behind. You opened the doors, stepping inside.

Everyone turned and faced you. You knew a lot of these people. There was your brother and sister, their partners and their kids (your nieces and nephews). And then there were a few of your ex girlfriends and boyfriends. It was good to know they still cared. Luckily your current boyfriend didn't give enough of a shit to turn up. Thank god!

You heard the door open behind you and knew that the doctor and the others had come in. You stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do. Charlie stood up first and walked your way.

"(Y/n). Where the heck were you we were worried sick" he said, standing in front of you with a sad look "I'm so sorry for your loss"

You didn't say anything in response. You just stood there, looking up at him. Jo walked up to you as well, a sincere look in her eyes. They both hadn't seen you for quite a few days since telling you about your dad and didn't hear any news from you either, from you or the doctor. They weren't even sure if you were going to turn up. Although you shared the same mum with Jo and Charlie, you had different fathers so they knew you could react badly to all this.

"Let's get you sat down yeah" Jo said softly, gently tugging at your arm.

She quickly retracted her hand, remembering that you hated to be touched. She looked at you apologetically.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to-" you cut her off before she could say anything else.

"It's fine" you whispered.

She was a little shocked that you weren't screaming in fear. But she decided to brush it off and get you sat down. You sat next to her, and, not really paying attention to what was going on around you. But when your eyes focused on the coffin with your dad's body resting inside you instantly felt sick to the stomach.

You kept your eyes on the coffin and the lifeless body inside. So, it was the drugs that got him in the end. You hated him for being like this: dead and lifeless. You felt sad and pained also. But you couldn't help but think about how peaceful he looked, and about how much you wished that was you right now. In a state of not being aware of anything around you and just being at peace.

You weren't really paying much attention to the different speeches going on. Your eyes were fixed on the lifeless figure. Your mind was full of all the memories you had with him, good and bad. And those good times were what you lived for.

Once the last speech ended, Jo turned to you.

"Would you like to make a speech?" She asked.

"You don't have to" Charlie quickly added.

"Well it'd look awful if his own daughter didn't say something" you said quietly, staring at the coffin.

You got up and walked towards the coffin. You stood in front of his body for a few seconds, just taking everything in. He really was gone. You sighed, turning around and facing everyone. You tried not to fall under the doctor's sad gaze.

"Umm, well, you all know that I wasn't really allowed to see my dad" you started off "and there were a lot of reasons for that. But, I just want you all to know that it wasn't all bad. We had some good times too" you smiled sadly.

You looked back over your shoulder at his body. You felt absolutely sick. You quickly turned around and swallowed hard.

"You know, every Christmas me and him would do something a tiny bit illegal" you smiled at the memory "I'd go and visit him, climb into his flat through the fire escape"

"You did what!" You heard Jo shout in shock. "(Y/n) do you have any idea how dangerous that was?! He could have seriously hurt you!"

"Jo let her talk" Charlie said.

"Every Christmas I'd buy a cheap cake from Tesco's and climb through the fire exit into his flat. We'd just...talk. Just talk. And this was all I ever wanted. And you know what, id give anything for another Christmas like that. I don't really know what I'm going to do this year. I just want him to wake up. Get up from that damn coffin because that's not like him. He can get up and beat the shit out of me if he wants! ....I just want him here..." your voice quivered and cracked from the emotion. "Dad just get up..."

You placed a shaky hand over your mouth, trying to stop your ragged breathing. You needed to calm down. Jo quickly rushed over to you, gently placing her hands on your upper arms.

"Why do I even love him so much?! His belt was never far from my back was it! Why am I always like this?! I let myself get close to people only for me to get hurt again! You know he actually shot me once! God knows where the fuck he got that damn gun from! And I still fucking love him! WELL I WISH THAT BULLET WENT THROUGH MY FUCKING HEAD!!" You screamed off the top of your lungs.

You were having a complete meltdown. But your eyes were dry this time. You physically couldn't cry. And that was the most painful part. When it feels like the world had turned it's back on you and love was nothing but a distant memory, you still couldn't cry. And it hurt. Too much.