13th Doctor x reader

Alone

You stood awkwardly, smiling nervously at the hestics that were all watching you. You swallowed hard, really not wanting to be here for very long.

They weren't really doing anything with you, not even talking to you, which you were honestly really happy about because your heart was racing so much and you weren't sure if you could release this breath you were holding right now. That was until you started to feel lightheaded and took a few deep and panicked breaths before holding your breath again and the cycle repeats.

What was only a few minutes felt like hours and your heart clenched more and more, the dread of the doctor leaving you again seeping in. You really needed something to calm yourself down and you instinctively put your hand in your pocket for some earphones and your phone.

Your face fell to a bitch face when you realised that you'd left your phone at the TARDIS. Meaning you had no music or the internet or games or anything to calm yourself down.

Your heart beat faster and you wined a little, feeling slightly lightheaded from holding your breath for so long.

You released it shakily, intaking the air sharply, causing grit to get stuck in the back of your throat and for you to cough violently. It didn't help that you were already lightheaded from a lack of oxygen and now you couldn't breathe. You gasped for air, coughing as you placed a hand in your aching chest and sitting yourself down. you breathed deeply, trying to stop the world from spinning.

"This place is doing wonders for my lungs" you breathed heavily, resting your head on the walls as you caught your breath.

There was some silence that was getting increasingly tense and you could feel it.

"I don't believe she is coming back!" One of them suddenly shouted, breaking the silence.

You chuckled a little, coughing again. You cleared your throat, sighing and looking at them all.

"Well she better be coming back because she has my phone! Which means she has my music! Oh god, I don't have any music. Okay that's not funny imma actually die if there's no music! Unless you guys have some instruments" you looked hopefully at them.

They all held a plain and almost confused face. You sighed, laying yourself on the floor. You stared at the ceiling, wishing you had some music. You placed your hands on your face, taking shaky breaths. You then saw your hands and simply stared at them, remembering how the doctor used her regeneration energy to just heal your hands, leaving only a few scars. All that pain went away and your hands went back to how they were before in only a few seconds.

You traced your new scars, staring deeply at them before your fingers found their way to your wrist and arms. Every line showed how insecure you were and how you cut yourself to help with the pain of your mind. Every line marking your stories and the nightmares you lived in the real world. Your eyes fell shut in disgust and hate of your scars and yourself and all the pain you caused yourself.

You sighed, and absentmindedly started singing a song.

"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear..."

You sighed, forcing yourself to stop singing. Your life was so messed up and your head, even more so. You had lost so much. Even the ability to cry. You couldn't even remember what it used to be like for tears to naturally fall from your eyes. You opened your eyes and saw the hestics all staring at you more intriguingly now.

"What?" You asked them all, slightly uncomfortable with the staring.

"Your vocal vibrations are...interesting sounding" one of them said.

You laughed hard at this, looking back up at the roof.

"It's called singing" you said laughing a little at their cluelessness.

"Do you hurt yourself?" Another one asked.

You froze for a moment, your smile falling at the sad thoughts again. You swallowed a little, clearing your throat.

"Yeah" you muttered. "With knives usually"

"Why?" One of them asked.

You sighed, closing your eyes and placing your hands over your face.

"Because...it takes away the thoughts, the voices and.......because I deserve it..." you chocked a little, taking a shuddery breath.

You didn't hear any of them try and talk to you anymore. You were glad of that. Even if it was because they were now all staring at you in shock. You weren't ready to talk about this. Not with them or the doctor who was adamant on speaking to you when she came back...if she came back.

She promised she would. And you knew it hadn't been that long but it felt like forever. You would have thought you'd be used to being left behind by now but it was always hard. The doctor left you all those years ago for too long it caused you to become the mess you are now. But even as the doctor said herself, you told her to go so you can't blame her.

You didn't really care. You just wanted to get back on the TARDIS and wrap this whole thing up and go to another planet and explore, have another adventure. A fun one! And just to be with the whole of team TARDIS. You hated being alone.

At that moment you heard the beautiful, familiar noise. The unmistakable noise. That noise which brings hope wherever it goes.

That noise that brings hope to you.