Shock And Awe

The Ambassador's Decision

A/N: Also, please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

I hope you enjoy the story...and please vote and review...Now on with the show!!!

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"It would be impossible to estimate how much time and energy we invest in trying to fix, change and deny our emotions - especially the ones that shake us at our very core, like hurt, jealousy, loneliness, shame, rage and grief" ~ Debbie Ford

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets" ~ Paul Tournier
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Chapter 9

I chance a glance over at JJ and notice that she is watching me intently. Damn it. Now that she witnessed my mini-breakdown earlier, and managed to grab my arm in just the wrong place, she is on high alert. Great. I had hoped that I could convince her to go home once we landed, but I highly doubt that's going to happen now. So much for keeping things compartmentalized today.

It's just this damn thing with Lucas caught me off guard and I haven't had time to sort it all out yet in my mind. Yet more secrets and more compartments. I had all of that neatly stored away and in one conversation, everything from that compartment came spilling out. I haven't had time to store it all away again.

I wonder if all of those secrets and hidden compartments will one day be the death of me, or if it will be my inner demons that I am constantly fighting. My mother was worried when I went into law enforcement that some criminal would kill me. But, as it turns out, I'm much more of a danger to myself, and I always have been, than any other person could ever be.

I've self-injured for years. It's my own inner demon; a monster that in some ways saved my life, but in others, kept me a prisoner. I kept it hidden from everyone, but then once certain family secrets were discovered, I found the strength to stop for a short time. I found other things to focus on instead of that particular self-destructive habit. Though I knew that particular monster was always lying in wait, just waiting for me to slip and fall. One too many problems to handle was all it took, and that monster came back into my life again.

I could try and lie to myself. I could say that the monster reappeared in my life...that my problems got too much for me...when Ian Doyle showed up back in my life again. But in reality, it started way before then. And really, Ian never left my life entirely. He was always hiding in one of those compartments, right alongside Lucas, just waiting to sneak out and attack, like so many of the things I have stored away in one of those compartments. I have tried so hard to keep those secrets and memories locked away, buried so deep that I almost forget they're even there. Almost.

But then someone will mention something, or I'll hear a song, or smell a fragrance, or any number of a dozen other things and I can feel one of those locks on those compartments start to rattle...a memory trying to break free. I try everything I can to silence that memory...to hurry and slam that compartment shut again if the lock has been broken...because there is a reason why those thoughts and memories are locked away tight. I can't face them...I can't deal with them. I can't function with them at the forefront of my conscious. They invade my thoughts so pervasively as if to consume me, as if I was standing on a shore, consumed by a tidal wave...drowned from the inside.

I thought coming back to my team after not seeing them for so long would still the swirling thoughts inside my head. Instead, I found that the same thoughts remained, and more were just added to the mix. I tried to cover the confusing mix of thoughts by jumping right back into work. I tried to heal the damage my absence had caused.

I know they were all hurt by my "death", and though it had not been my choice to leave in that manner, I had gone along with it once I awoke in Paris. My mother convinced me that I had no other choice. The Ambassador has always been good at convincing anyone to do whatever she wanted, and I understand she did what she felt was right. She protected me and our family, my team, and even my career, though she was never thrilled with my choice of occupations.

Telling only Hotch and Strauss, and letting JJ and the rest of my team believe I died had been my mother's idea. She believed if any of Ian's contacts showed up at my "funeral", or were watching from the sidelines, it would be more believable to see true grief from those that cared about me. Grief is hard to fake. I should know. I've had my fair share. Though I would never wish grief upon anyone else, especially not those I care so much about. I wasn't happy that they had to go through the grieving process, though I understood the reason behind my mother's decision.

I wanted to tell JJ that I was alive as soon as I woke up and found out she thought I'd died, but she was unreachable. Even given the strain of our relationship, if you could call it that, I still loved her. I probably always will. Poor choice of words in that thought I now realize, but Will is always there too. Back to my original train of thought though, Strauss said something about JJ being on a classified mission. I'd thought her job at the State Department was less dangerous would allow her to be home more. Something felt off about Strauss' explanation. Why would JJ be on a classified mission? Strauss wouldn't elaborate and I really wasn't in a position to push for more information.

Hotch was unreachable well. He apparently was in the Middle East on some special assignment. I guess the stress of having to keep my secret was too much for him, so he was hiding from the team overseas. Even in "death", I was still causing pain and damage to my friends. I was left in a state of limbo. I couldn't reach out to anyone on my team at the BAU, and Strauss had been left out of the loop regarding my team tracking down Ian. They didn't trust her and so they left her out and pursued leads on their own.

I had very little contact with my mother, Strauss, or anyone else that I knew from my previous life, for my safety as well as theirs, and that left basically me alone in Paris. And though I was quite used to being by myself, this somehow seemed different. I had always pretended to be someone else. I had done it my entire life. I had learned to become whoever the person or group I was around expected or needed me to be at the time. But this time, I was alone, and though I was under a different name, I had no one to pretend for, no mask I needed wear constantly, and no idea how to just be myself.

I'd never really been myself, since I had only ever pretended to be someone else. Even as a child, I had been the Ambassador's daughter and not just Emily. I had no idea how to be just me, and honestly, that was more frightening than seeing Lucas again...facing Ian...or even facing my own death. I realized that I had pretended to be someone else for so long, that all that was left of the real me was just a shell of a person, a storage container for all of those secrets and compartments I was holding on to so tightly. I soon realized that living alone, with only those secrets and compartments rattling around, trying to break free, was dangerous to my health, or at least my sanity. My mind raced constantly and I couldn't stop the whirlwind of thoughts, voices, memories, and feelings that kept me awake...night after night...for days on end.

I could find only two ways to stop my mind from racing. One was to drink, to numb my mind to those thoughts, but that only helped for a short time, and usually left me sick, with a headache, or both. The other was a cold, sharp, metal blade that I would slowly trail across my skin from time to time...causing enough pain to quell the thoughts in my head...giving me something else to focus on for a while. I had always been really good at hiding that particular secret. Yet another compartment with another secret locked away.