Shock And Awe

Unanswered Questions

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"Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers." ~ Voltaire
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Chapter 3

When we saved the final two victims and revived Chase, I had the urge to ask him what he saw. My own morbid curiosity seeking the answers to the same questions that Chase had been searching for. I too was curious if past experiences could change. For my own sake, based on what I saw, I really hoped they did. But, Reid was standing right next to me, and the rest of my team was within earshot of us as well. I didn't want them to ask any more questions, so I just walked away.

I chanced a glance towards the others and noticed JJ watching me with concern evident in her expression. She started walking towards me, but Hotch called for her to join him and Rossi and head back to the station. I could tell she was disappointed, but I was a little relieved. I didn't have the strength to handle a conversation with anyone at that point, especially not one with JJ. I watched as she turned, walking back towards the black SUV, glancing over her shoulder at me once more before climbing inside.

Morgan drove Reid and me back to the hotel to change while the rest of the team finished up at the station, since both of us were soaking wet from jumping in the lake. We needed to shower and change so we could be ready to fly back home later that afternoon. The answers to my own questions, regarding the afterlife, would just have to wait for another time and place.

The drive back to the hotel was basically quiet, although I could tell both Reid and Morgan were stealing glances in my direction. They made small talk between themselves while I just stared out the window.

Morgan finally broke the silence with me when he asked "You doin' okay Prentiss?"

"Yeah. I'm okay. I'll be better once I shower and change into some dry clothes though."

Morgan just nodded, though I could tell by his expression, as well as Reid's, that neither really believed me. Thankfully, neither one asked any more questions. We finally reached the hotel and made our way up to our rooms.

As I was reaching for my hotel room door, I heard Morgan say "I'll meet you both downstairs in an hour."

Reid gave me a quick glance, and nodded to Morgan, as he made his way into his room.

As I nodded to Morgan and started inside my own room, I heard him ask "are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine Morgan. Really. I'll see you both downstairs in an hour."

With that, I finished walking into my room and closed the door. I finally had a moment to myself. My thoughts had been racing since this I walked into the station Monday morning. I kept replaying everything that happened with Lucas, this case, and everything that happened at the station earlier that day. I'd managed to keep it all together until earlier in the day, when I let my guard down a little too much and saw the looks I got from everyone on my team. Pity, sadness, and something else I can't really describe. None of which I wanted or really knew how to process. I love my team and I know that Morgan and Reid were both worried. The rest of the team probably was too.

I knew by the look on JJ's face that she'd been upset. But, I'd purposely avoided her after that awkward conversation at the station, about Chase and the afterlife. I just didn't have the strength to deal with a serious conversation with her yet. I hadn't had the time to build my walls back up. I was still too raw and she'd always been able to get too close and read me a little too well. It was just too risky for me to be too close to her right now.

Yet another reason I was relieved that Hotch had asked her to go to the station with him. If he hadn't, she would have insisted on coming back to the hotel with me to make sure I was okay. Based on the look I saw in her eyes at the station, and at the lake, I'm sure she wanted me to console her as well. No matter what the current situation was, or what it had been in the past, I loved and supported JJ; even if it broke my heart to do so. I just wish it was the same for her, because whether by choice or consequence, JJ hadn't always done the same for me.

As for everything else, the situation with Lucas and his parole, the team's obvious concern for me, the case itself, all of the secrets I was still trying to keep hidden, along with trying to figure out a way to build my internal walls back up and reinforce my compartments, my mind began to race. I stripped off all of my wet clothes. I realized that I didn't even want to bother taking them back with me, so I just threw them away. Traveling with wet clothes just seemed like too much trouble and effort; plus I could always replace them. I checked my phone to make sure I hadn't missed any calls or messages, and then set it, along with my badge and gun on the table, and walked towards my go-bag sitting on the bed. Hopefully, a nice hot shower would help clear my mind.