Shock And Awe

Complicated Secrets

A/N: In this chapter, violence towards primary character is briefly mentioned.

A/N: Also, please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

I hope you enjoy the story...and please review...Now on with the show!!!

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"In the cellars of the night, when the mind starts moving around old trunks of bad times, the pain of this and the shame of that, the memory of a small boldness is a hand to hold." ~ John Leonard

"I no longer want reminders of what was, what got broken, what got lost, what got wasted." ~ Joan Didion
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Chapter 7

I know some part of you got scared when you thought I died, but if things got serious again, you'd run right back to Will. I can't handle that again. It nearly killed me last time. You say you lost me once, but you can't lose what you don't have. You're with Will now. I'm not going to break up your family. Besides, you made it clear a long time ago that you weren't interested in being with me...at least not in an actual relationship. Otherwise, you wouldn't have run to Will in the first place.

I was okay if you wanted someone to hold you at night when you were scared, to comfort you when no one else understood what you were going through, someone to flirt with or make out with to take your mind off whatever was bothering you, but nothing more serious than that; except for that one time, and after that, you completely freaked out and ended up pregnant with Henry not long after. You really think I am strong enough now to go through all of that again?

I love you, but I don't believe you feel the same way about me. How could you? You never did before, and that was before I was completely broken. I'm a complete disaster now. I can't even look at myself in a mirror. How could I expect someone like you to care about me? To love me? Even if I thought we had a chance before, we don't anymore. I'm too broken to love now. I can't even be there for the people that I should be there for. I'm too broken to be any good to any of them either. I'm too broken to be any good to anyone. They are better off without me, and so are you.

If you insist on coming back to my place, then I guess that's your choice. I'll just have to figure out a way to make you see that I'm just not worth it. Really though, it shouldn't take much for you to realize that. I still want to be your friend, but I can't be anything more. Besides, if you ever figured out everything else I am keeping from you, and the rest of the team, you wouldn't even want to be my friend. I can't risk getting hurt again, not by you. I've been hurt too many times before. Secrets and lies have a way of doing that. You may not realize it now, but you are better off without me. In truth, I am just trying to protect all of you.

I realize that I have been lost in thought as JJ reaches over and squeezes my hand, but I can't seem to find the words to say right now. I glance up and meet her eyes for just a minute. That may have been a mistake. I always get lost in her beautiful blue eyes. They're so expressive. I give her a sad smile and squeeze her hand back before turning away to look back out the window. I know if I keep looking into her eyes, I'll get lost in them.