Shock And Awe

I'll Do Anything

A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.

Sorry for the delay in posting this...I hadn't gotten many reviews on the story...so...my muse took a break...or a nap. I debated on continuing with the story for a while, but decided to keep going for a while. I had planned for this to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren't into it...I'll wrap it up before too long.

And remember...reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated...especially if it's positive!!! Votes are good too!

I hope you enjoy this latest chapter...Now on with the show!!!

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"Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so as though we were making the first step toward disaster." ~ William Throsby Bridges

"Control what you can control. Don't lose sleep worrying about things that you don't have control over because, at the end of the day, you still won't have any control over them." ~ Cam Newton
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Chapter 15

As I take the food that was delivered towards the dining room, I realize that the thoughts inside my head are swirling around, much like a Category 5 Hurricane or an EF5 Tornado. What's that saying, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it...but there's always a catch. I'm faced with what looks like an easy choice, but it isn't. In reality, it's my dream coming true. Unfortunately, it's just a little too late. The woman of my dreams...the woman I will love, probably for the rest of my miserable life, telling me what I've wanted to hear for years. Too bad it's too late to make any difference now. I just wish I would've know how she felt sooner, before I was a wounded, scarred, broken shell of a person. Then at least I would've had a chance of being able, capable, and worthy of returning the love she apparently has had for me all along. Now...not so much.

I would love nothing more than to tell JJ that everything's fine, the past is in the past, and we can move forward together in the future...but that's just not realistic. There's a big part of me that wants to believe her...wants to believe that she wouldn't leave again. But, there's still this part of me that can't help but wonder when she'll change her mind again and run away. Not that it really matters in the end anyway.

Considering all of the secrets that I'm keeping; if she finds out about all of them, I'm sure she'd run away anyway. I find it so ironic that she was so worried about not being good enough for me. This whole time, it's been me that wasn't good enough for her, and that was in the beginning. Now that I'm completely broken, I'm definitely not good enough for her, or anyone else for that matter. I just don't know how to explain that to her without saying something stupid like "it's not you...it's me" or something equally as lame. Even though that statement is entirely accurate, it just doesn't seem to encompass everything that I would want, or need, to say. I don't want to hurt her, but she deserves so much more than I could ever provide.

My thoughts are interrupted by JJ, grasping my hands, which are still holding on to the bags of food. "Emily? Are you okay?" JJ asks, concern lacing her voice.

"Uhhh...yeah, why?" I reply calmly.

"You've been holding the food the guy delivered for a few minutes, just staring off into space. I've been trying to get your attention, but you acted like you didn't even hear me." JJ replied.