Shock And Awe

Choices & Consequences

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

"It has always seemed that a fear of judgment is the mark of guilt and the burden of insecurity."
~ Criss Jami

"There's no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another."
~ E.B. White

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Chapter 6

I realize that she has no intention of talking to me right now, but I can't help but worry about her. I knew something was wrong before, and now, I know I'm right. She looks so pale, and she just keeps staring out of the window. I saw Morgan try to talk with her, but it didn't look like he got very far with her either. I don't care what she says; I'm coming back to her place tonight. I need to know she's okay. In the meantime though, since she obviously is going to avoid talking to me for the time being, I will just have to settle for sitting close to her and trying to decide what I want to say to her once I finally have some time alone with her later tonight. I screwed up so badly before, I may only have one chance at it, so I don't intend on wasting it.

Looking back on the night I spent with Emily, our first and last night together, I wish so badly I could change how I reacted. My damn fear came roaring back, and when I looked over at her, sleeping peacefully, I didn't see the positive things that I should have. Instead, I couldn't help but see every worst possible scenarios playing out in my head. My family finding out and disowning me, even though I never talked to them about it. The team finding out about it and hating both of us, firing both of us, or making one or both of us change our jobs. Complete strangers hating both of us for being together. And then there were my own insecurities. Emily was rich, powerful, beautiful, sophisticated, and elegant. What in the world could she ever see in someone like me? I was a poor farm girl from the country. I would never be good enough for her, not to mention her ridiculously powerful family. She would eventually realize that and leave. Then I would have to deal with the fallout of being in a relationship with a woman, having everyone else find out, and still end up alone. I had been trying to start up a long-distance relationship with Will, but if I got into a relationship with Emily, that would be over. What I had with Will was safe. Could I really jeopardize that for something so risky with Emily? I let all of those fears overpower my feelings for Emily and I ran. I snuck out in the middle of the night, while she was asleep. I left a note for her and told her I was sorry. I knew it would hurt her, but I never dreamed how badly things would spin out of control from there.

After that, she just completely shut down. She would barely look at me, and unless it was related to a case, she wouldn't talk to me. She barely talked to anyone on the team outside of work. It was as if some light inside of her just shut off. The walls that I had been able to break down came back up and even more were there to reinforce them. The team noticed and tried to help, but she just told everyone she was fine. Eventually, she started acting like her old self again, around everyone except for me. She was a little friendlier, at least on the surface, but it was still an act. She just didn't want to answer difficult questions about what was going on between the two of us. The problem was that it was just an act. It wasn't real. She just pretended so they wouldn't know anything was wrong and wouldn't keep asking her about it.

A few weeks later, we ended up in Miami on a case that brought Will back into the team's orbit again. I saw the look on Emily's face. Even though she had been pretending to be okay, I know she was still hurting. I was scared that my tenuous grasp on our friendship would end if she had to face him, knowing that we were in a relationship. I tried to pretend we were just colleagues, but it just upset Will, and worse, no one on the team believed me anyway. Will thought I was ashamed of him, which I guess in a way I was. I cared about him, but not as much as I should have, especially for having been in a relationship for as long as we had been.