Loving a Believer

Chapter 5: Expectation VS. Reality

"Storm... I am praying with you."

Pagkatapos naming mag-usap ni Christy, napagpasyahan na naming umuwi ni Fara, pero hindi sa bahay, kun'di sa hacienda. We were going to celebrate noche-buena together with my whole family on my mother's side. Throughout the ride to Lolo's hacienda, I was confused and downhearted.

I wanted to feel at peace in a quiet environment. So when we were eating outside the house, I turned to Fara.

"Let's go uphill," aya ko sa kaniya.

"Maggagabi na. P'wede pa ba?" she said, but there's excitement clearly evident on her face.

I nodded. "I'll show you its beauty at night..."

We went uphill riding Whitey, my horse. I took a flashlight with me, so we can stay there even until evening.

"Did you bring a camera?" she asked.

"Yeah," I replied.

We crossed the brook and a moment later, we were finally at the top of the hill.

"I've missed this place!" I exclaimed as I helped her to get off the horse.

Like what we did before, we sat on the railings. She was holding my hand in a tight, cold grip. I focused my eyes on the dark sky above us. I close my eyes, feeling the cold air against my face.

I remembered my conversation with Christy earlier. I couldn't deny the burden that I felt at the moment.

I was sorry for Pastor Alvin. Noon pa man, he prayed that I would find a good spouse—someone who has the same spiritual maturity as mine and would support me in my ministry, but it didn't happen. I ended up with an unbeliever whom I didn't know held atheistic beliefs. After I got married, he took a break from the ministry dahil dinamdam niya ang situation ko, and he stopped standing in the pulpit. And now other churches are criticizing him. Pastor Alvin has nothing to do with this; it was my decision. Because of my recklessness, I put him to shame. 

But I doubt that even if I had checked Fara's beliefs before marrying her, I would still be able to escape this arranged marriage.

"It's getting dark." Bumukas ang mga mata ko nang sabihin iyon ni Fara.

"After a few seconds, you'll see it," I said as a smile tugged on my lips.

She stared at me. "I'll see what?"

Ibinaling ko ang tingin ko sa mga paa namin at nakita kong nagsimula nang magsi-ilawan ang mga bahay sa ibaba. "That," tugon ko.

Lumingon din siya sa kung saan ako nakatingin. Then I heard her gasp. "This is so precious!" she said with a smile on her lips.

Napatitig ako sa kaniya. Her hair was being blown by the wind and she was not even trying to hold it down with her free hand. I couldn't help but admire her beauty - she was attractive. With or without makeup, she remained gorgeous. I still remembered the day that I first saw her at her 14th birthday party. She was young at that time and she looked very beautiful in her pink gown.

Then, I heard my mom whisper to me, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I just gave my Mom a slight smile. But I was stunned when she whispered again, "You will marry her someday."

My heart objected because it already belonged to someone else.

I pulled my cellphone from my pocket and set it on camera. I focused on Fara's face which had a bright smile as she enjoyed the view. Since Kirby had died, I never saw her wear a smile like this again.

I clicked the camera button and said, "Your smile is more precious. It's been a long time since I last saw that smile of yours."

Her gaze turned on me. She stared at me for a moment before she looked away and closed her eyes.

Nagtaka ako sa inakto niya kaya napakunot-noo ako.

"Stop that," she said.

"Stop what?" I asked, confused.

"Y-you're just making my situation worse."

I fell silent, but I didn't take my eyes off her, who was now teary-eyed.

It was very significant to have a strong discerning spirit when you are an evangelist, a preacher, or a pastor so it only took me a few seconds to get what she was implying. I studied different attitudes and behavior of people, and I have learned how to read their minds through their actions and reactions.

"J-just don't mind me," she said and turned her gaze back at the view.

I keep my mouth shut and closed my eyes tightly, struggling to find the right words I should respond to her. Sa ngayon, blanko pa ang isipan ko dahil sa dami ng dinadala kong problema. Besides, our status wasn't that clear to me. I couldn't determine what I felt towards her, but she had a special place in my heart because she was my wife.

I truly cared for her. She was important to me, I was happy with her, and God used her to make me realize how blessed I am for I know the truth. She was the reason why I treasured my good testimony because I wanted to prove how a man with God was different from a man without God.

"Fara..." I uttered her name softly. "I think... I can't respond to you right now. But the only thing that I can promise to you is that... I'll be always on your side whenever you need me."

I thought those were the safest words to say. I didn't want to give her false hope. My mission on her was still progressing. Winning her heart was not my first goal. I must win her soul first...

But those safe words I thought were the safest just made me feel guilty when I saw the pain in her eyes. I was stunned when I saw teardrops falling from her eyes. My heart ached because I couldn't accept that I was the reason for those tears. I caused her pain with just those answers.

"G-gusto ko nang bumalik," aniya at bumaba mula sa railings.

I just watched her as she wiped her tears with her palms. I wanted to tell her everything will be fine but something was holding me back. What would I do to lessen her pain?

My mind reminded me: "You're not ready to love again..."

I clenched my fingers into a fist, knowing that what my mind was telling me was the truth.

I needed to wait for God's perfect time...

But then, I wished there was really a perfect time for me to see my wife as a queen in my heart, not just a soul to win...

Now, I didn't have a reason to win her anymore because that wasn't my life anymore.

Perfect time? Is there really a perfect time? Or is it in every decision we make?

I inhaled and then slowly exhaled before I replied to Tyler, "Okay, I'll take care of her."

There was relief in his eyes. "Thank you, Storm."