Toman's Black Cat

From Road of Misunderstanding to River of Anguish

Y/n's POV

His saying that made me want to open up to him even more. I felt a never-ending river of pain flow from my soul like it had been waiting to be released since the dawn of time.

"It's all my fault. If I'd never confessed, he would've stayed with me. I would've at least had him as my friend. I pressured him by being too forward and now he hates me, and he's gone. I can't.."

As tears and pain kept fleeing from inside to out, things only felt worse as I began to hiccup with the overwhelming sense of shame and hurt over something I felt should only be a little thing, but hurt like I was being physically beaten down every day I wake up. "I couldn't save Izana and I tried! I tried so hard every time, but he's gone, and I hate it. I hate that I'm so useless..."

The more I talk, the more it hurts...like there's a dagger still sitting in my heart after all this time and talking about it makes me realize how deep the cut goes...I hate...

I can't help but blame myself...It's my fault...all of it...no matter what I do, nothing gets better or changes for the better.....I hate...

At this point, I knew I was hysterical, but stopping felt impossible as I realized how heavy the burden I carried was.

"You're gonna leave me too, right? Because Mikey was right about me being a slut, he had to be, right? Is that the real reason you didn't come back until now, because you believe it and blame me for Izana's death?"

It doesn't make sense, I know it...but I can't help but think it does at the same time....I hate....

I was greeted by wide eyes and silence so thick, I thought I would die. The silence felt as though it lasted forever and I felt myself stumble away from Kakucho without another thought in a zombie-like state.

Mikey was right the....whole time....I hate....

"It really is true..." Without another word, I went straight into the bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me.

I stumbled to my bed, the sound of him beating on the door being drowned out by the voices I'd held close to my heart all this time and tried to ignore. I sat on the edge, feeling nothing but pain as I stared at the wall.

It's all my fault. I have no one to blame but myself....

When he didn't stop banging for longer than I believed necessary, I couldn't bring myself to speak louder than a whisper. "It's fine, Kakucho. I get it. I'm not mad. I blame me, too."

I hate....me....

I curled myself into a ball on my bed, letting the tears flow without even feeling it or caring to try to stop.

You were right, Mikey....I'm so sorry....