My Best Friends Brother

Chapter 199

"Milo," her voice is so soft now, like she scared her words are going to force me to crumble but it's a bit late for that. "You have to understand sweetheart, even with you not in the picture I can't guarantee the placement. I put forward my findings and my suggestions, it's the judge that will make the final ruling... You should know that this process is going to take time, any decisions made about Liam initially are going to come with caveats. Until Josh has permanent custody everything could be reversed. If you were to leave, only to come back in a few months, or if it was discovered you were maintaining a long distance relationship... Liam's mother would very likely put forward a complaint about your situation to the courts out of spite, it could set us back to square one... It could sabotage the placement and undo any progress that we would've made."

You mean... I couldn't even like fucking call him? I couldn't even...

She's not trying to hurt me, she's just being honest... Something I asked her to do... It doesn't change that her words feel like daggers to my fucking heart.

"I won't come back... I won't call... I won't even visit at fucking Christmas if it will risk anything for them. I won't talk to him... I swear." This time I don't try to hide my tears, I know what I have to do but that doesn't make it any fucking easier. "Just... can I please still talk to Liam? I won't see him, I promise you I won't, I'll just talk to him on his Xbox and only after he's finished all his homework and ate his peas."

My fingernails curl into my thighs to try and stop the sobbing that wants to take me over, it's too fucking painful to let in... A world without them both is one I can't even picture. One I don't want to picture.

Stephanie reaches out and takes my hand, a simple gesture, the warmth of her skin all that heats me as the cold reality of the situation I find myself in truly settles itself into my soul.

I have to leave him.

I have to fucking leave him. I have to lose him to protect him, to protect them both...

I'm losing my stars.

"Liam will need some space to adjust Milo, to realise that this is a permanent change to his world, one without you." Fuck, I'll never sing Liam to sleep again... I'll never making him pancakes for breakfast and never laugh at him when he tells one of his stupid jokes... I'll never be at his science fairs or watch him graduate...

I'll be nothing to him, just nothing....

I love him. I love him so much it hurts.

That's why you have to do this Milo, because risking him being hurt so you won't be, that's not love. You love him too much for that.

"After that?" My voice is trembling, my hands shaking as she clutches them firmly with hers. I just want to know he's okay, that's all. I don't want him to think I abandoned him or that he ever did anything wrong, I need him to know that no matter how far I am... he's always my little man.

"After a reasonable amount of time, of course you can talk to him. I don't expect you to leave his life completely Milo, you are important to him. You are also Heather's uncle, in the short time I've spent with Heather and Liam together it's quite clear that she is going to be a long term factor in his life, that will leave you involved with him one way or another. That kind of contact – I can protect that... I truly don't want him to lose you."

He won't lose me, I won't let that happen.

He's my boy.

"Milo... Do you really understand what you are saying here? This could be..." She drops her head, her own emotions threatening to spill over before she pulls them back. "What I'm trying to say is... This isn't going to be a short term thing. Getting full custody of Liam, it's going to be a battle. It could be three years from now, five, even ten if the courts don't want to be on Josh's side. You also have to surrender yourself to the fact that it could be never, we could be involved until Liam is eighteen... I know you'll want to come back and fix this Milo, maybe one day very far in the future when things are better placed you could but in all honesty, are you willing to wait? Are you willing to make Josh wait that long?"