Skyrim Journals: Lopiken [Year 3]

Day 265

The past couple days have been exhausting. Not only had I argued more with Lucia, but even Lydia was taking her side at times, leading to shouting matches between the three of us. I really didn't like being teamed up on, especially when Brelyna would join their side. Thankfully, Brelyna seemed to be the only one who was able to break through my stubbornness. She diffused more than a few arguments.

In the end, she helped me realize just why I was so angry and frustrated. It was fear. It's so obvious, but I had no idea how terrified I was about losing Lucia. Not just losing her to death, but losing her as a daughter. I can't stop the latter from coming to pass, though. She's growing and maturing, and one day she'll leave and start her own life. I've fought so hard for so long to make sure she's safe, to build a life where she wasn't at risk from dragons or vampires or cultists or war. But once she leaves on her own, everything I've worked so hard for is useless.

At least that's how I saw it. But Brelyna showed me another way of looking at it. Everything I've done for Lucia so far has helped mold her into the person she is now, even her insatiable desire for adventure. I helped instil that desire in her, because of all the things I've done to try and protect her. And she's strong and smart, and she can clearly stand up for herself.

Once I understood that, and once I knew it was my fear fuelling my anger, I finally began to understand Lucia more. Tonight was perhaps the most exhausting night so far, but we didn't argue. Instead, I apologized and explained why I was so afraid to lose her. We talked for hours, crying off and on, holding each other while we sobbed. By the end, my body felt like it would collapse, but we finally understood each other. I've agreed that she should pursue adventuring, she has the talent, the heart, and the desire to learn that could create an incredible force of good in this world. All I asked was that her first forays into that life be with me, and she was actually ecstatic. We've agreed to wait until I've sorted everything with Ulfric, until Whiterun is safe. That will give her some time to learn more magic from Brelyna.

I must admit, I'm rather excited, myself. For so long, I wished to have her with me on all these jobs, and I'm finally getting what I've wanted. But instead of a little girl that I need to protect, we'll be side by side, protecting each other, as it should be.