Sun
The next week felt like cold hell. Like a really cold hell, that was so deep that I almost believed that there was no ground..
For the first time in my life I felt like I had to be afraid of losing something because of my own stupid behavior. Because I didn't appreciate someone enough. Instead I gave my interest to somebody else and now I was regretting my decisions because I felt the cold breeze that was coming at me from the one I loved.
I felt so awful and hurt on the inside, it was like I couldn't move or stand up. I was afraid I would crack and fall into pieces.
I saw Dean only two times in the following week. We texted and called each other but I felt the coldness. I felt the distance and the lose of interest.. I couldn't describe it.
I knew he loved me no matter what happened, even tho I still didn't get to explain myself, and I knew he wasn't getting distant with me on purpose but even the way he was talking to me changed. There was no warmth, no jokes.. no closeness.. only that deep voice that made it impossible for me to tell what he was thinking, feeling or trying to tell me.
I couldn't stand it. It was unbearable. Him and I.. being like this really almost killed me. It gave me a taste of what it's like to lose him and thinking too much about it made me cry so hard until I almost threw up.
I missed him so much and all I needed was him to hug me but I couldn't stand the look in his eyes that was killing me. It was so emotionless and cold, as if he built walls around his heart and his feelings so I couldn't see them even a little.
I couldn't even talk to him about what happened that night. I didn't know how to begin and I knew that there was no need anymore to talk about it because he didn't want to. The way he looked at me that day on the football field just said everything.
I was so ashamed. Even if I didn't let Mika touch me in a way that Dean could.. I slept in his arms and that was already enough. I felt comfortable. I lost my goal. I crossed the line. If Dean would've done that with another girl (no matter why and under what conditions) I would've acted the same way..
At the same time I was really hurt because I thought he would trust me and know that I wouldn't go that far. He should've known that I loved him more than anybody else and that I wouldn't do something like that even if I was confused and irritated.
But I think the problem for him was that I stayed there and slept in the same bed as Mika, even tho he said these meaningful things on the phone. That was bothering him.. of course it was bothering him.
I wanted to see him. So many times. I tried to handle it and get him to talk to me about it but it never worked because he always changed the subject.
He said he's exercising a lot with the team for the games, he's studying for his finals and a few other things and that he would like to rest for a while to clear his head. I was understanding that, even if it was very hard for me because it felt like he was running away from me and that was something that had enough power to knock me out. It got me on my knees with an open wound that made me bleed to death.
We were so close, we had such a strong bond, we spent every second together and shared everything.. that this distance was something huge to me. I wasn't used to it and I never wanted to get used to it.
Another day like this and I was going to die. I couldn't imagine a life without him. Even wasting a single, tiny thought about it was a no-go.
We were going to be to together. Forever. This was our destiny and it wasn't going to change. We've been through so much and we were so strong.. I couldn't let this destroy us. I needed to do something.
Mika called me so many times and I had to explain some stuff to him. I had to lie to him about my mom and that she needed me, because of some personal, family problems and other things. I had to tell him that I wasn't sure when I could go out again because I was so busy and needed to be there for my family.
He told me that he wanted to see me and he wanted to know if there was anything that he could do. He wanted to know what happened and he was worrying more than I thought he would but I made sure he could understand that I was really busy and catch up with him as soon as possible.
What was hurting me the most?
Dean being so cold and distant. I never thought he could do that. I never thought he could be so distant without getting weak and trying to find a way to get close to me again. Not that he was always getting weak but he was the one who was always fixing everything between us because he faced the problems instead of leaving them in the air but this time it didn't even seem like he wanted to face these damn problems. That's why I had to face them.
I knew how strong his love for me was. I had no doubt and I thought he wouldn't be able to treat me like this even if he had the right. He always treated me like a princess and somehow he was something like an angel to me because I knew that nothing bad could happen as long as he was by my side. I never thought he could keep this distance. I never thought he would let me go, let me down.
"Hmm, these smell delicious! Can I have some?" mom asked, and ripped me out of my thoughts. She bent down and took a look into the oven that was filled with cookies.
I nodded and dried my hands, without taking a look at her. I didn't want her to see the sadness that was covering my face these past days.
"Sure. I'll leave you some here.«"I said and my voice was so raw, as if I didn't talk for months. "Oh! Are they for Dean?" she asked, leaning against the corner of the table. I nodded again and tried to find something like a lunchbox so I could transport them safely after they cooled down.
I made Dean some triple chocolate chip cookies because I knew how much he loved chocolate. He loved everything that had chocolate in it. The more the better. I knew that he was practicing on the field with the team and I was sure that this was what he needed.
I found a lunchbox and put it on the kitchen counter while she still watched me but it was okay because I was too distracted and busy with my own thoughts to concentrate on her.
"Well, that's a very nice gesture, I'm sure he'll like them." she said, with a mom smile and that soft voice.. that mom voice. I took a deep breath and scratched my forehead. I felt so tired.
"Who's the guilty one this time?" she asked and I answered "Me." like I expected her to ask this. I mean, I kinda did. She didn't know what was going on but I didn't need to tell her anything because she was a mom. She already knew enough.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Her soft voice told me how much she was caring and that she really wanted to help me but I was too tired and to exhausted to talk about it. The past days took my soul and my energy to keep living. I wanted to melt on the ground and just lay there forever.
"Not really. But thanks for asking." I said and tried to smile but I wasn't sure if I succeeded. I guessed I did because she smiled too. She was a big help, even if she didn't even know what was really going on or could help in a specific way. Just knowing that she was smiling at me in that way already showed me that she was there for me.
Y/n
Knowing that Sun wasn't happy made me even unhappier. The past week literally pushed me to the edge and I was close to the explosion.
Ethan was in a constant fight with his parents. They kept appearing here and he kept pushing them away. They kept arguing and trying to convince each other about stuff that happened years ago and I was at a point that was really making me think of things that I didn't want to think about.
He couldn't be there for me as a husband, I barely saw him and even when he came to bed to sleep he either fell asleep immediately or didn't feel like cuddling or he slept so late that I was already sleeping tightly. I was confused and really irritated. He couldn't even be there for the kids or spend time with them. I couldn't remember the last time they all did something together.
Mostly I was pissed and hurt because I had enough.
Other people always kept coming into our lives and I was sick of it. All I wanted was to have a normal life with him. Why was it so difficult? My children were unhappy, I was unhappy and he was unhappy. Nothing was going right.
It couldn't keep going like this. I couldn't keep living like this. This was not what I imagined and even tho I knew that we had to be there for each other in the hardest times.. I was on the edge and I was so tired of other people's shit. First the gang stuff, then my mom and now his parents.
I didn't even get a minute with him that I could spend properly. Even if I got a minute with him, we couldn't do shit and it felt like I was a teen who was stuck in a stupid situation.
It's not like I wasn't having his back but all I wanted was to go on a nice date, just watch a movie and stay in bed with him all day, have a picnic with the kids, go shopping with them and other stuff. I wanted to spend time as a family and not waste my time with problems that actually had nothing to do with my family.
Sun
After I got the cookies out of the oven and let them cool down, I carefully put them into the lunchbox and put my jacket on.
I made my way to school and I couldn't believe that they were practicing in this cold. I was literally freezing. It wasn't snowing yet but it was really really cold and I just couldn't imagine them running on a field and sweating.
I didn't want him to get sick. I hoped he had a jacket that he could wear after. Otherwise I was ready to give him the sweater that I was wearing. It was his anyway.
I took a deep breath before I walked towards the field. It seemed like they were done. That was good.. or not.. I kinda wanted to talk to him instead of letting him leave me alone again but at the same time I was afraid of the coldness that he was sending towards me.
I walked towards him before he disappeared with the other ones in the changing rooms.
He turned around like he felt that I was behind him and when he saw me he just stopped and didn't show any emotion. His straight face was so emotionless and unsurprised that I felt a stinging pain in my chest but I tried to hide it. It was like I was a stranger..
"Hey." I said when I stopped in front of him. He ran his hand through his hair. He was breathing heavily..
"Hey." he said as well and looked straight into my eyes. I didn't know if he was waiting for something but he seemed really uninterested. Even tho his face was emotionless, he kinda looked like 'what do you want?' and I couldn't believe that we came to that stage.
It was more than hurting me. It was killing me. I started panicking but tried to keep calm and don't show him what I was feeling. I was totally confused and didn't know what to do. I needed to think of something.
"I baked you cookies. Your favorite. They're still warm." I said holding up the box. I tried to smile but he seemed so unimpressed that I was about to cry. I could feel how my eyes started to burn. I knew that cookies weren't going to fix it but I was really trying... not even a smile?
"Thanks. That's really nice but I'm not really hungry right now." he said. He was honest. But so distant and cold. I didn't want to get used to this coldness.
"You could eat them later." I said, with the tiniest amount of hope that was left inside of me.
He tried to smile but failed. It looked more like he pressured his lips. Then he finally took a deep breath and wanted to say something but the coach shouted for him. "Collins! Are you coming? Don't make us leave without you!"
Dean looked at me and said "We're going to a sports bar with the team."
The tiniest amount of hope that I had just disappeared. I swallowed and tried to show off how shattered all my hope was. I wanted to cry but I had to keep myself together.
"Sorry." he said after a little silence. He sounded honest and really sad about it but he still turned around to leave. He took a few steps while my heart kept beating like crazy.
"Please stop running away from me."
My voice was so thin and weak, it almost cracked. My hands were shaking and I tried to hold my tears back as good as I could because crying wouldn't make the situation any better.
He froze and I wanted to know what was going through his head. I was so close to explode because I wished so hard that he would share his thoughts and feelings with me, instead of hiding them of me and acting like we were two strangers who were awkwardly trying to get along with each other. I had enough of this feeling. It was worse than I could've imagined it.
Then he finally turned around slowly and said "I'm not running away."
His voice was quiet. Not angry, not sad, not exhausted. Nothing. There was nothing in his voice and it made me crazy.
My whole body started shaking.
"You are doing everything to not spend time with me, to not be around me." I started. I didn't know what I was going to say. I didn't plan anything. Of course I always kept thinking about what I was goin to say to him if we would talk about everything but in that moment I was so unprepared and that's probably why it was so honest.
"You're so cold and distant, I can't tell what you feel or think, even if I look deep into your eyes.l I continued and my voice was shaking so hard...
He just looked at me and slowly furrowed his eyebrows.
I used to know everything with just a look into his eyes. I knew what he was feeling, what he was thinking, what he was wanting, what he was trying to say and what he was hiding.
"I didn't do anything that could hurt you or make you be mad at me. I didn't do anything that you probably thought of. I love you too much to let that happen.l I added.
"I can't stand this. I know it sounds selfish but I really-.. it's unbearable. I feel like my heart isn't beating at all. It's just there and waiting for you to look at me the same way you used to so it can start beating again. It feels like my whole body is empty and I don't know how to spend my time usefully because I never had anything else to do than you. Everything just feels so empty without you. You're still there and so close but also so far away that it feels like I couldn't touch you even if I would reach out my arm right now."
I sounded like I couldn't breathe. Like I used my last breaths to tell him this and the tears that were threatening to roll down my cheeks supported my shaking voice even more.
He looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. I couldn't even tell if he was angry or sad.
I waited for him to say something. The few seconds that passed literally felt like years and I was about to get on my knees and beg him to talk to me and tell me what the hell was going on in his head.
Then finally.. he rubbed his chin.
"Maybe you should think about it a little bit. We were so.. attached to and obsessed with each other that we wouldn't know what to do if the other one wouldn't exist. We don't have any goals, any dreams.. anything to put out into the real world. We literally can't survive one day without the other.." he said.
My heart stopped, even tho it wasn't beating before at all. I missed hearing his voice.. hearing that he was saying more than two words but I didn't expect him to say this. I didn't know what I expected but I didn't expect this. My lower lip was shaking and I tried to understand what he was trying to say... I was afraid that he meant what I thought..
"W-what do you mean?" I asked and held my breath. I couldn't even control it. "Sun, what did you do these past days?" he asked like he was trying to find something out to come to a special point.
"I.. I didn't do anything. I thought about you, I t-tried to think of how I could talk to you." I said and he slowly nodded. "Do you know what I mean now? That's exactly what I'm talking about. We have no hobbies. Nothing else to do than us. We only have us."
We only have us.
A tear rolled down my cheek.
It was a strong sentence for others. Something meaningful.. but it was a problem for him..
I could feel my heart beating all over my body like it was a countdown to a huge explosion.
"Is that what you want? You don't want us to be so close anymore?" I asked but my voice was so quiet, I wasn't even sure if he heard me. He slowly shook his head. Obviously he did. "That's not.. what I mean." he said.
"But it's going to be the outcome." I said with a shaking chin while tears rolled down my cheeks.
He opened his mouth to say something but I handed him the cookies aggressively and turned around to leave. Even tho I was angry and hurt, I hoped that he would stop me.. but he didn't..
He didn't want us anymore. He was trying to tell me that he needed distance and didn't want this anymore.. that he realized that he was better without me...
On my way home I bursted out in tears and tried to not die from the pain in my chest..
Moon
"I'll be honest with you.. I'm not going to hide anything from you. I'm always going to tell you the truth even if it's going to hurt you.. I'll always be honest." I said looking out of a window. It was raining and dark..
Luna and I were sitting in a diner. We've already talked but it was the first time we saw each other since I came back from our little trip.
I looked at her.
"Yes.. I tried to find her. I tried to find Skylar. I went back to the places that we used to hang out at... that we spent most of our time at in the last weeks." I continued.
She took a deep breath and looked down at her fires that she didn't even touch yet. She seemed so unhappy and so sad.. like a fading flower.. so silent..
"I wanted to find her so I could finally forget her in peace. I was planning on asking her why she did what she did and I was going to tell her everything that I've been asking myself all this time, everything that I was thinking about her and give her every little piece of feeling that I had for her. And with feeling I mean disguise. If I would've found her.. I would've finally got her out of my life."
My heart was beating really fast. I was completely honest. I meant every word and I hoped that she would finally let it be as well after this conversation because I was definitely going to let it be and start planing my future.
"But I didn't find her. I didn't find her and it's good like this. I left everything that's related to her there. I'm done. I'm not confused anymore. There's only space for one person in my heart and that's you."
She looked up and I could see that her eyes were shining. She wasn't smiling yet but I could see that she was getting softer. She was going to bloom.
"I promise you I'm done with this. I only have time for you. You're the only girl in my life. The only person that I love more than myself besides my family. You are important to me. There's no one else. Only you." I added and hoped that this cleared everything at least for now.
She looked at me. She just looked at me and my heart almost stopped. I tried to keep calm as good as I could but I was so close to get on my knees and beg her to tell me about her thoughts and her feelings. Every second that was passing was torturing me. It felt like years were passing.
Then she finally took another deep breath and said "I thought about this a lot.. especially now that I know what you left for.." she said and my heart almost dropped to my ass. I was so damn nervous.
"And I think I'm done too."
My heart dropped to my ass. It dropped to the fucking core of the earth. I almost fainted.
"I'm done with this. I'm done with this distance and other people affecting our relationships or being insecure." she continued and I was confused as hell but I tried to show it off. I needed to stay calm and try to understand her.
She leaned in and continued.
"Moon, I love you. I'm tired of overthinking and jumping into conclusions. I want to take my place in your heart and don't think about tomorrow. All I want is you. I've missed you so much. I'm craving you. I can't see anything else than you. Forget about your past because I will too. I don't care about her. Only about you."
I started breathing again. I didn't even realize that I held my breath. I couldn't help but laugh. I ran my hands over my face and bit my lower lip. I couldn't her.
"I'm so proud of you. God damn, I love you so much." I said, still laughing. She finally smiled and it felt like my heart got even bigger. It felt like my heart got bigger and bigger with every second that she kept that smile. She chuckled and I almost died from happiness.
I leaned over and grabbed her face to kiss her. First I kissed her forehead and then her lips. She put her hands on my hands and I got goosebumps from the warmth of her cute, soft hands.
I missed the taste of her lips so much.. I missed kissing her so much.. touching her and feeling her warmth.. god, I was craving her too..