February 28, 2014: McBusted Tour; Scarborough, England
"Why?"
"You ask a lot of questions." James laughs, taking a sip of his coffee.
James and I wanted to catch up. With the whirlwind of everything happening with McBusted, we really hadn't had time. We'd been sat at a cafe for an hour, right by the window so the sunlight could give us warmth. The boys had a show tonight in Scarborough, which was the third to last show in the McBusted Tour. I had learned more about James in this past hour than I had in my whole time knowing him.
"Yeah but...I mean why did you give the song away? It was amazing!" I say.
"Lots of songs are amazing but it's really about if the song speaks to you. If it doesn't, you might as well give it to someone else. Plus, there will always be more songs. I've got my whole life ahead of me." James shrugs.
"Do you think you'll do this for the rest of you life?" I ask. James nods.
"Always some sort of music in some way. Performing is the best, but even if I'm not doing that, I'll always do something with music for the rest of my life. Nothing else is as important. Nothing makes me feel the way music does."
I look down and then quickly take a sip of my own coffee.
"What about you?" James asks. I look up at him.
"Pardon?" I ask, confused.
"What do you want to do for the rest of your life? What's your music?" He asks. I couldn't be more confused.
"I've always worked for the boys." Is all I can manage to say.
"I know...but what is it that you do that makes you feel something, you know? What makes you feel all warm in your chest?" He puts his hands over his heart, clearly passionate. "Surely it's not chasing Danny down and pestering him to do his vocal warm ups." I laugh.
"I suppose I've never thought about it."
"Well what did you think you'd do for your whole life?" James asks.
Is it wrong that I thought I would just work for the boys forever? I'd never thought about McFly coming to an end. It just didn't seem...possible. I'm quickly becoming embarrassed.
"I didn't mean to make you embarrassed." Jame smiles sweetly. "It's just...I thought you knew what you what you wanted to do after McFly."
"Why does there have to be an 'after McFly'?" I ask.
"There doesn't have to be." James says. "But don't you want to experience things?"
"I have experienced things. I've traveled the world. I've met tons of celebrities. I've been in the same room as the queen." I try to bargain.
"Yeah...but you did all that for the guys."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I'm not saying what you've done is wrong. It's not. At all. The only thing is that...for years you've helped Tom, Danny, Dougie and Harry meet their goals. You've watched them achieve all their dreams. But what are your dreams? Dream careers? Dream future? Dream family? Dream house?" James questions.
"I...I guess..." I start.
"Lilly, I mean this in the kindest way, as a friend, you work too much." James laughs.
"Well I have a very time consuming job." I counter and raise my eyebrows as if to say, because of you. "And I like my job."
"Lilly." James repeats, leaning forward. "I know I'm not supposed to ask this. My mother told me not to, but how old are you?"
"Twenty-six." I say.
"And how old were you the last time you went on a date?" James asks. I sigh.
"Twenty." I say. Last time I went on a date...I'm not sure when or where it was, but I know it was with Dougie.
"See! You've gone through all of your early twenties not going on any dates! I'm sure you've never even had any one night stands."
"James!" I scold, looking around the cafe to make sure no one's heard. Everyone seems undisturbed. I lean back in my chair again. "It doesn't matter."
"I'm sure if you told Fletch you needed a night off for a date he'd let you! Plus there are plenty of ways to meet people these days! Online dating and all." James says. I continue to look down at my lap avoiding eye contact. "Unless..." James says after I don't reply. He raises a brow and leans forward once more. "Unless you don't want to go on a date."
"Don't be ridiculous." I say, still avoiding his eyes.
"Yeah, you're totally right. That is crazy." James says. "Unless you're already in love with someone." I scoff.
"That's stupid. If I was in love with someone I'd ask them on a date." I say, picking at my nails nervously.
"Unless they're not available." James says. Now I meet his eyes.
"What's your point, James?" I question.
"Are you still in love with Dougie?" He asks.
"What kind of a question is that?" I whisper-yell back immediately.
"A question that everyone else should have asked you a long time ago." James counters. I look out the window and straight into the sun. Maybe if I looked at the bright light long enough, it could somehow get me out of this situation. Lying had been harder since everyone knew the truth.
Six years...
I look back over at James.
"Please don't tell anyone." I say quietly.
"Oh, Lilly." He shakes his head. "Tell him." He pleas.
"He's got Ellie." I say.
"They're not official!"
"Have you seen the papers?" I ask. I look back out the window. "He loves her."
"What makes you so sure?" James asks.
"Because he loved me once." It's quiet between us for moment.
"I think he loves you." James says quietly. I look back to him.
"He doesn't." I shake my head.
"He does, Lilly." James says. "The way he talks to you, the way he looks at you. You're the most fascinating person in the world to him."
"He's happy." I say.
"You're not." James says.
"I am happy." I say. I mean it. James sighs.
"Maybe. But you aren't content." He says. "Why are you living your life for Dougie? He's not living his for you."
"When he went to rehab...it was the worst I'd ever seen him. Not just about the addiction he was... just...he wasn't happy. He wasn't the Dougie I knew. My Dougie. I never want to see him like that again. If he's happy...then I'll be alright."
"Alright isn't always good enough." James says.
"He doesn't love me James. I thought...maybe at The Royal Albert Hall-"
"What happened at The Royal Albert Hall?" James asks.
Shit. Shit why can't I keep my mouth shut?
But then again...what did happen at The Royal Albert Hall? We didn't kiss. We touched foreheads and then didn't talk about it.
"Look." James says, clearly catching on that I didn't have an answer. "You love him...and I'm pretty positive he loves you. Tell him. Don't live your life wondering what could have happened...please Lilly. Don't settle for being a character in someone else's story." I almost laugh.
"This isn't a movie James." I shake my head, smiling. James smiles too.
"Make it one." He says.
There's a flash that takes both of our attentions. A couple of guys with cameras outside.
Usually, paparazzi wasn't a big thing the boys had to deal with. They were more focused on taking photos of A-list celebs that couldn't even get outside without being swarmed. I was glad the boys didn't have to live like this, but with the announcement and touring of McBusted, the whole country was going nuts.
"Come on, let's get out of here." James says, getting up and grabbing his coat. I follow. "We've gotta get back to the arena anyway."
James and i make our way outside, walking quickly, but still being followed by paps. There were only a few of them, but they were annoying; Constantly running in front of us, shouting at James, flashing their blinding cameras.
One shoves his way to get to James, pushing me off the sidewalk. I continue to walk on the side of the street, keeping up.
I hear a loud honk, and don't even have enough time to look up before I feel my arm being tugged. I trip back onto the sidewalk, to see a motorcycle hurl past at full speed. One more second, and I'd be roadkill.
I look back over to James, who had pulled me out of the way.
"Shit. Are you okay?" He asks, gasping.
"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine. Sorry that guy pushed me off the pavement." I say, looking back at where I just stood. "Cheers."
"Come on." James says, quickly grabbing my hand as we make a run for the arena.
//