May 10, 2011
"God damnit!" I yelled, slamming my hand down repeatedly on my laptop screen.
"Woah, calm down there." Dougie says, holding a hand up.
"Yeah. Hitting it isn't going to solve the problem." Harry says.
"Do you ever think your laptop doesn't work because you're mean to it?" Danny asks.
"Or because it's four hundred years old?" Tom asks. "Seriously, Lil, you need to upgrade. Like, everything."
Today, we were sat around in Danny's flat Because tomorrow night, Tom would be asking Gi's dad, Mario, for permission to marry her, and he was nervous.
And after he does that, we were all spending two days on a barge to celebrate (or cheer him up, if all didn't go to plan).
"It's only six years old, thank you very much." I say.
"It's as thick as The Bible and makes loud noises when you turn it on. Plus you're the only person in the world with a flip phone still. It's 2011, get with the times Grandma." Harry says.
"It's fine, it'll start." I say, hitting the keys again.
"You know, Lil. When you pick up Gi's ring today you could go get a new one." Tom says.
"For the last time, I'm not going to forget to pick up the freakin' ring, and also, I don't really have the money for a new computer or phone right now, considering I just had to replace Dougie's windshield." I say, as my computer starts whirring.
"Hey, it's your fault you smashed it." Tom holds up his hands defensively.
"I didn't say it wasn't, but it still cost an arm and a leg." I say.
"Some things are worth the splurge!" Harry laughs.
"Like a barge?" I ask. "Who's idea even was that? The five of us on a barge to celebrate. Might as well put us in a sardine can."
"Hey!" Dougie says. "Being on a barge is like being a pirate." He smiles.
"No...it's not." I reply. I needed to stop myself. I was prone to getting angry over small things due to my constant exhaustion, and I was excited to celebrate for Tom. "I should get going. I've got things to do." I say, quickly getting up.
"Well, we'll see you tomorrow, then?" Harry asks, as I make my way to the door. I smile weakly. Even that took effort.
"Yes." I say, quickly leaving.
When I finally got home it took my laptop 3 hours to start up, and when it finally did I had tons of emails I needed to answer. Since I figured I wasn't going to sleep, I stayed up until the early hours of the morning answering them.
After a few hours, I started getting thirsty, so I took a break and went down to the kitchen. I put the kettle on the boil, took out a tea bag, and opened the cabinet with the glasses to get myself some water.
But when I opened the cabinet, all of the glasses in the front row fell out onto the floor in front of me, creating a glass barrier from letting me over to the other side of the kitchen.
"Shit." I mutter, leaning down to pick up a piece of glass, but it immediately cuts me, and I start to bleed profusely. "Shit!" I repeat, louder, putting my hand over the sink and running the water, but the blood just keeps coming out. I'm surprised I don't start to feel dizzy from the blood loss. I sigh, turning the water off and grabbing a piece of kitchen roll, but when I turn back to the sink, it's still running. I try to turn it off again, and it starts spraying all over the kitchen. "Shit!" I yell, this time.
And then, my phone starts to ring.
I don't remember taking my phone downstairs, but it's sat on the counter just beyond the barrier of glass on my floor. By this point, I'm soaking wet, bleeding profusely, and confused. Who is calling me this early in the morning?
I squint and see the name on the phone. Tom.
Whatever. He's probably just nervous about talking to Gi's dad. I can't answer now. The phone stops ringing.
Then the kettle overflows, and the phone starts to ring again, I'm getting frustrated, and there's so much noise, I just want to crawl into a ball in the corner of my kitchen and sleep.
I let the phone call ring out for a second time. Then a third. Then a fourth. But Tom keeps calling, and it dawns on me that something could actually be wrong.
I've got to get to the phone.
I stand, just before the path of glass and take a deep breath. This is going to hurt like hell.
I take one more breath, and then step on the glass. As soon as I do, I let out a yelp.
But I keep going, and going, and going, until the bottom of my feet are filled with glass, my kitchen floor is smothered in blood and my face is covered in tears.
I pick up the ringing phone with my bloody hand, and answer it.
"Tom?" I say quietly through sobs, almost as if I'm about to ask him for help, even though he's the one calling me.
"Lilly." He cries. "It's Dougie."
"Lilly!" I hear knocking at my door and I jump up, startled. I looked at the clock. It was eleven in the morning. How could I have slept when Dougie was in trouble? "Lilly!" I hear them call again. It was Tom. I was in bed, my computer was open, and I was in the same clothes as yesterday. What the hell?
I look at the bottom of my feet. There's no glass, no blood, no scratches...nothing. I quickly get up and rush down to the kitchen.
There's no glass on the floor, no spraying water from the faucet, no kettle on the stove.
It was a nightmare.
I quickly compose myself and go to the door. When I answer it, Tom looks worried.
"What's wrong?" He asks, grabbing my shoulders.
"What? Nothing why would-"
"I head you scream!" He says. I screamed? I never normally screamed when I had nightmares. Not that I know of, at least. "That was you, wasn't it?"
"Uhh." I start. I honestly don't know how to get myself out of this one. "Do you want some tea?" I ask, walking towards the kitchen. He follows me. I hope he says no, I still feel on edge.
"Lilly, what's going on with you?" Tom asks with pity in his voice.
"What?" I ask, turning quickly. "Nothing."
"We all notice. The boys and I. You look pale...and gaunt. When's the last time you ate something?" He asks. I look over my shoulder at the dishes in the sink. When had I put them there?
"Yesterday." I lie. It was probably two days ago, but I didn't want Tom to worry. Keep it together.
"You need to get some rest before Harry picks you up for the barge. Eat something. Drink some water. Then get some sleep." He says, putting a hand on my shoulder. I nod, even though I knew one of those things wasn't going to happen. "I'm just here to get the ring, then I have to go." He smiles.
I instantly start to cry.
"Lilly." Tom says, wrapping me in a hug. "What's wrong? Tell me...tell someone."
There was only so much I could do. My skills of hiding the fact that I was falling apart at the seams were failing me as I got more and more tired, and I was exhausted.
I felt guilty, I push Tom off me. I didn't deserve his pity.
"I didn't get your ring!" I sob violently. It was a gross cry. I was gasping for air, and shaking and trying to wipe my face, but there were too many tears. I was probably all red as well. I've never cried like this before.
"I'm sorry." Tom starts, walking a bit closer. "I can't understand you-"
"I didn't get it Tom! I'm sorry, I forgot and my computer won't work and I'm so ti-" I gasp.
"Lilly, Lilly." Tom says, hugging me again. "It's fine. I have time to get it."
"It's not!" I push him away again. "I'm supposed to take care of you. That's my job."
"You have to take care of yourself too." He says, but it sounds like he's begging. "Look, I really have to go, but get one of the boys over here. Call them and they'll stay with you, okay?" He asks. I nod.
I calm myself, walk Tom to the door, watch him get in his blue Mini Cooper and drive away.
And then when I know he's gone, I start to sob again.
**********************
Eventually, I do get myself together, and start to pack for the barge trip. Harry was picking me up at seven, and Tom was going to meet us when he was done.
It was three now, and I was almost done packing, when there was a knock at my door.
I get to the front door and take a deep breath, preparing myself for human interaction. When I opened the door Dougie stood there.
Tom knew I wasn't going to call one of the boys, so he called them himself.
I immediately turn my back and walk towards the Kitchen, and start cleaning the dirty dishes that are still in the sink.
"Lilly!" Dougie follows me, and I hear him close the door. "Tell me what's wrong! We all know something's wrong!" Maybe if I ignored him, he'd go away. "Lilly!" He yelled, taking the plate out of my hand, and putting it back were it was in the sink, then backing away. I turn the tap off and face him.
"What?" I yell. My voice is hoarse and I know he can tell something's not right. Anyone with two eyes could see that.
"Tell me what's wrong." He begs, softly.
"Nothing is wrong, okay!" I yell.
"Stop lying!" Dougie says. "I get it. You had to lie all your life. But now you don't have to, so stop doing it!"
I was just about to crack. I couldn't hide it anymore.
"Why did you try and kill yourself?" I ask him. He looks startled. I probably shouldn't have asked him that, but I didn't care.
"I...I was depressed. My whole life revolved around drugs and alcohol. I loved everyone in the world...but myself." He says. "But I'm better now. I'm so much better. You've got to believe me-"
"So that's it?" I ask. "You have a problem so you think you can solve it by just...sitting in your car and turning it on and falling asleep forever?"
"I...wasn't thinking. I didn't have a clear mind. You have to know, I was full of bad things-" He starts.
"Clearly." I nod. I was angry. I was angry Dougie hadn't seen what his life was worth. What he was worth. "I get it, okay? You were high and drunk and you couldn't see your self-worth. But you're so important, Dougie." I start to cry again. "So many people need you. Your mom and Jazz need you. You do so much for them. So many of the fans need you. They hold up signs saying it all the time. The boys, they need you. They talk so highly of you. They need you so bad. Flea needs you, too...I-" I pause. "I need you...and now I'm scared that you'll do it again and I won't be there like the first time-" I start to sob, and Dougie rushes over to me. He hugs me, just like he used to with his head resting on top of mine.
"You were there. You were there more than anyone else. You should have given up on me long before you did, but you didn't" He says, and I start to shake my head, because I can't get the word 'no' out. "And I'm not like that anymore."
"I can't sleep." I sob. "I can't sleep because I'm scared when I wake up you won't be here."
"I'll always be here." He says. "I see things now. I remember the great things and I want to do more." And even though I'm still crying, something clicks, and I start to believe the words Dougie's saying. "You need to sleep." He whispers. He puts his arm around me and leads me up to our old bedroom. He pulls the bed down and i get in it without even thinking twice.
I'm so tired.
Then, he comes around he other side, like he used to, and gets in next to me, putting his arms around me, and gently helping me put my head on his chest.
"Promise me-" I start, but he answers, knowing what I'm going to say.
"I already told you." He says, and I can almost hear his smile. "Always."
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