S T O R M
"I hate this cold climate," Fara said, hugging herself. "I didn't know that it could be this cold."
I just let out a chuckle and lay down to take a nap for a while. I felt so tired and I knew she was, too. "Come here," I said as I tapped my side.
Her brows furrowed. "Why?"
"Let me warm you up."
Nag-aalinlangang tumingin siya sa akin bago lumapit sa kama at tumabi sa akin. I wrapped my arms around her, soaking myself in her warmth as she leaned closer to me. Hugging her lessened the coldness that I felt.
"I wanna go home na. Can we go home tomorrow?" she asked.
"Why? Are you not enjoying the camp?"
She shook her head. "It's not like that... Sleeping in the tent at night creeps me out."
Napatigil naman ako sa sinabi niya at napabuntonghininga na lamang.
I knew Fara wasn't completely recovered from her depression yet but at least she talked more this time unlike before, and the color of her skin was no longer pale.
I took her hand and held it. As I expected, it was colder than mine. "I want you to sleep here, pero hindi talaga p'wede."
Pumihit siya paharap sa akin at niyakap ako. "I know..." she whispered and then leaned her head on my chest.
I gave her a kiss on the head. "You know? Then why are you here?" nang-aasar na tanong ko.
I heard her chuckle, and that sounded like heaven in my ears. She looked at me with a little smile on her lips.
"I missed seeing your happy face," I said.
Iniwas niya ang kaniyang tingin dahil sa sinabi ko.
"Just always smile and avoid thinking about negative things. When you are scared, just close your eyes and pray. You're no longer the old Fara since the day that you believed in Jesus Christ. The Spirit of God lives in you now. And the spirit of fear is not from God, so cast it out. Use your faith and make it grow each day."
She smiled bitterly. "I wish it's just easy as one-two-three."
"Everything is easy with faith in God."
Nilingon niya ako at tinitigan. "Faith... What's the deal with faith? Why does God want our faith?"
"Faith is what pleases God because that's the proof that you are His."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Besides, it has a benefit for you. Faith lessens your worries. It means it will make you more beautiful," I said with a half smile on my lips.
She squinted her eyes at me. "What's the connection of being beautiful to faith?"
I let out a chuckle. "Ano bang hitsura ng taong laging nag-aalala?" I asked and also squinted my eyes at her.
Tila napaisip naman siya sa sinabi ko. "Malungkot?"
"What more?"
"Hmm..." Nag-isip siya muli. She glanced at me while her eyes were still narrowed and her lips curled down in thinking. That made me admire her cuteness while doing that. It took a few seconds before she seemed to find her answer.
"Nakasimangot?"
"See? May nakita ka na bang taong hindi pumapangit kapag nakasimangot?"
She smiled wider and I couldn't help but stare at her even more. She looked so beautiful when she smiles.
"You're right. I'll try my best to use my faith whenever I'm scared and worried," she said.
I gently pinched her nose. "Good."
We continued our conversation and eventually, she fell asleep. It was obvious that she was tired because of the outdoor games we did earlier. For the second time, she fell asleep in my tent.
"Storm?" I heard someone call me from the outside of the tent. I knew it was Christy's voice.
I opened the zipper of the tent and Christy's face emerged―hindi lang pala siya ang nasa labas kun'di pati na ang music team.
"Hi, Kuya!"
"Bro!"
Bati nilang lahat sa akin. Napangiti lang ako at tinaas ang isa kong kamay na nangangahulugang "saglit lang" dahil saglit ko munang nilapitan si Fara. I gave her a gentle kiss on her forehead before I went out of the tent and came with them.
***
We sat and formed a circle on the lawn. I told them everything about me and Fara, even the status of my spiritual life, what happened to me when I quit serving God, and the problem with our company. After telling them the truth, they started to beg me to come back.
"I wanna talk to pastor Alvin first," I told them.
"Visit him when you have time or he will visit you," Kuya Joss suggested.
"I think so."
"He misses you, bro," natatawang sabi ni Carlo sa akin.
"May times nga na Storm ang natatawag niya kay Christy, e," Glen said.
They laughed and I just smiled.
Nabanggit nila sa akin na si Christy ang humahawak ng music team ngayon.
I loved Pastor Alvin because he was a one-of-a-kind Pastor. He was Christy's uncle, so they had the same strategy in preaching, full of enthusiasm. And Christy transferred that to me.
"We're planning for a big event this new year," Bryan told me.
"I'll help, either financially or wherever I can help," I said.
Nakita ko ang makahulugan na tinginan nila sa bawat isa. Napakunot naman ang noo ko dahil doon.
Bryan cleared his throat before he stared at me and spoke, "Can you be the song leader together with Christy?"
My lips parted. "Me?"
"Yes, you."
Tumango naman ang iba bilang pagkumpirma.
"I don't think that can be. I am inactive."
"You're right." Si Joss ang nagsalita. "But, you know how ready you are for coming back to your ministry... aren't you?"
Natahimik ako ng ilang sandali sa sinabi niya.
Huminga siya nang malalim. "What do you want us to do? Idaan ka muna namin sa training for the qualification bago tumayo, kahit na napagdaanan mo na lahat ng iyon? Lagpas pa nga yata roon." He shook his head as if he wasn't agreeing with what he said. "Pagsasayang lamang ng oras iyon 'pag nagkataon."
"I don't wanna do something that is a mistake in the eyes of the church again," makahulugang tugon ko.
Sila naman ngayon ang ang natahimik sa sinabi ko.
"I'm more than ready and willing, Bro, but still, you have to make sure that appointing me as a song leader in that event will not make an issue."
I don't think it was acceptable for the church that a backslider like me should stand that easily, after all, that happened. Hindi ko alam kung karapatdapat pa rin ako para sa kanila.
What if, they no longer want me? I disappointed them. Yes, Joss was right. I had gone through all the seminars and even graduated from Bible School but still, the decision depends on the key leaders of the church.
They all looked at each other. I combed my hair to relax. I waited for them to talk.
Joss smiled bitterly at me before he turned her gaze to Christy. "Sister Christy," he called her. "What do you think about brother Storm? Did he pass?" he asked Christy, which confused me.
"Yes, he did," pigil ang ngiting sabi ni Christy at binaling ang tingin sa akin. Sumeryoso ang mukha niya. "I appoint you, Brother Storm, as a song leader during the concert, got it?" she strictly said and cocked a brow at me.
That style... I was like that when I was their leader and when she was my secretary.
It was a long process before I understood what she meant. Yeah right, she was the leader so she had a right to appoint anyone she wanted to appoint. But I also raised my bow "Seriously?" I said, trying to remind her about her stand as a biblical woman. She never liked exercising authority over men when it comes to ministry, but since her leadership here is just about music, she took over it.
They chuckled while Christy just smiled at me. "Just kidding," she said. "Actually, Pastor Alvin and I already expected this would happen. Kaya, napag-usapan na namin ito. If you decided to come back, we will bring you back to where you started—in the music team," she explained.
I just heaved a sigh. "What an unexpected favor, it is," I said before a grateful smile formed on my lips, "Okay then. By God's grace, I'll do that."
They all beamed at me. Some of them gave me a comforting hug while others remained smiling encouragingly. I missed this interaction so much. I missed them.
***
F A R A
I woke up without Storm's presence beside me, so I went out of the tent to look for him.
"Fara!" I was interrupted when I heard Molly's voice from afar. There she was, running to me.
"Hey!" I greeted her.
"Saan ka 'galing?" she asked. "I've been looking for you."
"Why?"
"Let's take pictures somewhere."
"Huh?"
"Come on!"
Wala na akong nagawa nang hilain niya ako. We took a lot of pictures together, and then she posted them on her social media. She asked for my username on Instagram so that she could tag me.
We were now both sitting on the grass, taking a rest.
"You're not active on IG, huh? Your last post was two years ago." Hinarap niya sa akin ang cellphone niya. Nakita ko naman doon ang familiar na kuha ko na litrato. It was me, smiling and the background was sunset.
"That picture was taken by Storm and that was the day of our honeymoon."
"Really? Sunset is so romantic for the honeymoon." She brought her gaze back to the cellphone. Sinilip ko ang ginagawa niya at nakita kong tinitingnan niya ang mga pictures ko roon. "Who's this?" She faced the cellphone's screen to me again. It was the picture of me with Kirby eating pizza.
"It's Kirby, my b-bestfriend." I wasn't sure if she noticed that I looked away to avoid looking at the picture. I felt the familiar unpleasant feeling in my system—longing.
"Oh." She just nodded and continued scrolling down on my pictures. "Hmm... you have a lot of pictures with him, huh?"
"Yeah, b-but he already passed away."
Her gaze suddenly turned to me with eyes widened, but her expression softened almost immediately. "Sorry," aniya na bahagyang nakangiwi.
I just bitterly smiled and tried to cast aside the feeling of longing for Kirby.
She scrolled down again. "Hey! Who's this blue-eyed guy?!" she asked with eyes on stalks in curiosity. It was the picture of me hugging Sam from behind while he was taking a picture.
I suddenly felt uncomfortable. "Uhm... m-my ex-boyfriend."
My past relationship with Sam was really memorable to me because Sam was really a good boyfriend. He was almost similar to Storm but the difference was, they had a different kind of kindness. Believe it or not, Sam never made me cry.
"Ex-boyfriend? Wow! 'Di naman halata na mataas ang standard mo sa lalaki," pabirong sabi niya. "At mukha ring hindi uso sa inyo ni Kuya Storm ang mag-delete ng picture kasama ang ex ninyo," natatawang sabi niya.
Natigilan naman ako roon at nagtaka sa sinabi niya.
"What?"
"Don't tell me, you haven't stalked Kuya Storm's IG? Puro pictures niya kasama ang ex-girlfriend niya ang bandang dulo ng IG posts niya. Demi ba ang pangalan no'n? Uh, pasensya na kung nabanggit ko ang tungkol sa ex-girlfriend ni Kuya Storm," aniya na may ngiting paghingi ng paumanhin.
"Gano'n ba?"
I tried to speak normally like it was nothing to me, though I felt jealous because Storm and I never had a picture together.
"Yup."
Napatango lang ako, though deep inside I was having a huge question in my mind about what Storm really felt for me.
Hanggang sa makabalik kami ni Molly sa tent namin, hindi ko pa rin natanawan si Storm sa tent niya. Nasisiguro kong kasama niya ang music team.
Naiwan akong mag-isa sa tent namin ni Molly dahil kumuha siya saglit ng inumin para sa aming dalawa. Hindi ko maiwasang mapaisip sa mga nabanggit sa akin ni Molly tungkol kay Storm. Doon ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na i-check ang Instagram ni Storm. Isn't it odd to think that we were married pero hindi kami naka-follow sa isa't isa? I felt so sick now.
He had a huge number of followers. Halos word of God, concerts, and picture with his family ang laman ng Instagram niya sa mga recent posts niya. I just scrolled down until I reached the posts that contained a younger version of him and his hairstyle was different. I thought it was the time that he was a famous YouTube artist because he was with some popular singers and celebrities, local and international.
He looked so handsome, I thought.
At hindi na nga nagtagal ay nahagip na ng mata ko ang mukha ng isang pamilyar na babae sa mga picture doon.
Demi...
Most of their pictures together were kissing, hugging, laughing, on the other hand, they looked so sweet. They also had some videos together, having fun with each other. Habang padami nang padami ang picture na nakikita kong magkasama sila, pabigat din nang pabigat ang nararamdaman ko. Wala sa sariling ini-off ko na lamang ang cellphone ko kalaunan.
Pinagsisisihan ko na tiningnan ko pa ang mga 'yon dahil parang pinahirapan ko lamang ang sarili ko. I felt so insecure, dahil ni isang picture ko doon wala akong nakita... unlike when Demi and him were together. Gusto kong maiyak dahil sa mga naiisip ko. This wasn't good.
The real question here was why was he not deleting their pictures together. He was active on IG, unlike me. The reason why I still had some pictures of Sam was that I was not using my Instagram account for a long period of time.
Bumalik si Molly dala-dala ang dalawang mineral water.
"Are you okay?" tanong niya kalaunan. Hindi na kasi ako kumikibo habang nagku-k'wento siya sa akin.
Pilit lamang akong ngumiti at tumango.
***
Dumilim na naman ang paligid at hindi ko alam kung bakit wala akong ganang puntahan si Storm sa tent niya para magpaalam na nandito na ako sa tent namin ni Molly.
"Tara, Fara! Mag-dinner na tayo," aya ni Molly sa akin.
Ayaw ko sanang kumain dahil wala akong gana pero kailangan kong sumama sa kan'ya dahil ayokong maiwan nang mag-isa sa tent, lalo na't napakadilim na roon. Pumunta kami sa hall kung saan ginaganap ang sabay-sabay na pagkain ng hapunan ng lahat ng participants ng camp.
Hindi rin nagtagal natanaw ko si Storm mula sa malayo. Nalipat din ang tingin niya sa akin kaya naglakad siya papalapit sa akin.
"I've been waiting for you," aniya nang makalapit siya.
He held my wrist and took me where his churchmates were. They all greeted me enthusiastically, but I just gave them a weak smile. Until now, I didn't feel okay emotionally. I just ate my dinner quietly.
"Fara, are you okay?" Storm asked me as we were walking together back to our own tent. "Do you feel alright?" He stopped walking and touched my forehead, making sure that I wasn't sick.
I also stopped and let him feel my forehead.
"Of course," tipid na sabi ko.
"Are you sure?"
I heaved a sigh and nodded my head. "I'm going back to my tent now, b-bye," sabi ko at tinalikuran na siya. Ngunit nakakailang hakbang pa lang ako, hinigit na niya ang braso ko, kaya napatigil ako.
"Is there any problem?" he asked in a serious tone. He had a strong discernment so I didn't wonder anymore.
I closed my eyes, calming down myself before I opened my eyes and faced him again. I gave him a fake smile. "Yes, of course. Why?" I tried my best to act normal.
Mataman naman siyang tumingin sa akin, tila kinikilatis niya kung totoo ang sinabi ko. "You're not good at lying," aniya. Doon bumilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko. "Tell me, what's the matter? Do you want to sleep with me or you're mad at me because I left you alone in the tent earlier? I apologize for that."
He was trying to persuade me to open up, I know that. But there was no way for me to tell him what was the problem with me.
I bit my lower lip before replying, "I'm just sleepy and I want to sleep right away," I forced myself to smile.
I shouldn't be affected with those undeleted photos of him together with Demi. I was too shallow to get jealous with that kind of reason. Baka naman wala lang siyang time magbura ng past photos niya. Pero paano kung―ugh! Nakakainis 'tong mga naiisip ko.
Napabuntonghininga lang siya at tumango. "Ready your things. We'll go home tomorrow morning."
"Okay."
Doon na ako naglakad muli palayo.
When I entered our tent, I found Molly sleeping already. I lay down beside her and closed my eyes. I tried to throw off the undeleted photos in my mind but I really couldn't. Until I just felt my eyes become warm and tears began to stream down both sides of my face while my eyes remained closed.
What if ... he still loves Demi? I thought.