F A R A
"Fara..."
I was awakened by someone shaking me and calling my name. I slowly opened my eyes. Bumungad sa akin ang mukha ni Storm na basa pa ang buhok at halatang kaliligo lamang.
"Get up and eat your lunch." A charming smile was plastered on his face, which brought butterflies to my stomach. He looked so handsome. I looked away as I felt my cheeks becoming warm.
Napatingin ako sa bintana. I thought it was already afternoon, but the sky was dim because of the rain.
Napagtanto ko na nakatulog lang pala ako sa ininom kong gamot kaninang umaga.
Dahan-dahan akong bumangon; inalalayan naman niya ako. Parang gusto kong lumayo sa kaniya dahil sa sobrang lapit namin sa isa't isa.
He pointed to the bedside table where he placed my food. I forced myself to eat it before taking a bath. I shivered when the cold water hit my skin. There was no heater in Grandma's house. Wala akong nagawa kun'di tiisin ang lamig. Nasa kalagitnaan na rin kasi ng Agosto. Maybe I should wear a jacket later.
I put the towel around my body then I stared at my reflection in the mirror for a moment. Nothing changed... Ganoon pa rin ang gilid ng mga mata ko ngunit nagkaroon na ako ng kaunting laman.
I just heaved a sigh before I walked out of the bathroom.
Hindi ko maiwasang mapatitig sa bintana ng kuwarto ko habang nagsusuklay ako ng buhok. Kitang-kita ko roon ang pagpatak ng ulan at pagdausdos ng tubig sa salamin.
Nakaramdam ako ng uhaw kaya huminto ako sa pagsusuklay at lumabas ako ng kuwarto para uminom ng tubig. Napatigil ako nang makita ko roon si Storm na may kausap sa kaniyang cellphone.
"I can't leave Fara here... Okay... Don't worry, I'll be there soon... Just take care... Bye." He ended the call. Then, his gaze turned towards me. "Do you need something?" he asked me.
Umiling lang ako at tumuloy ng kusina para kumuha ng tubig sa refrigerator.
"You can call me when you need something," I heard him say.
I did not look at him. I just realized that I became a burden for Storm. Hindi na niya magawa ang dapat niyang gawin dahil nandito siya at binabantayan ako.
Napatigil ako sa pag-inom ng tubig nang tumunog ang doorbell. Napansin ko sa sulok ng aking mga mata na ganoon din si Storm. Nilapag ko ang baso sa mesa at sinundan ng tingin si Storm na siyang lumapit sa pintuan. I was curious who came by. I know Kuya Tyler wouldn't go home yet.
The guard peeked from the door and said, "Sir, nandiyan ho si Sir Francis." Lumabas muli ito para papasukin ang taong binanggit nito.
Tila binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. Kaagad kong nilapitan si Storm at hinawakan siya sa braso. "Don't let him come in," mangiyak-ngiyak na pakiusap ko habang nakatingala sa kaniya. "Please!"
Confusion crossed his face. He held my shoulders as he faced me. "What do you mean?" he asked with brows met.
Umiling ako. "I don't wanna see him..."
Parehas na napatingin kami sa bumukas na main entrance ng bahay at niluwa nito ang taong ayaw ko nang makita pa. Napahigpit ang hawak ko kay Storm.
"Storm, I'm glad to see you here," he formally greeted Storm. Napatingin ito sa akin at inusal ang pangalan ko, "Fara."
Napabitaw ako kay Storm nang lumapit siya kay Dad para magmano. "How are you, Tito Francis?" Storm politely asked him.
"I'm good," tipid na tugon nito kay Storm habang nakapako ang tingin sa akin. "Fara, can we talk?" he asked. Lalapit sana ito sa akin nang humakbang ako paatras.
I shook my head. "Stay away from me," I uttered through my gritted teeth.
His face softened, but he couldn't fool me in that expression.
"Fara, he is your Dad," Storm scolded me. Halatang hindi nito nagustuhan ang inakto ko dahil nakasalubong na ang mga kilay nito.
"No, he's not my Dad!" I yelled out before I ran into my room.
"Fara!"
Mabilis na sinara ko ang pintuan at tinungo ko ang kama bago sinubsob ang mukha ko sa unan. My body was shivering in fear. I was losing myself again...
***
Narinig ko ang pagbukas-sara ng pintuan. And there I saw Storm holding a glass of water.
"Your Dad already left," he said. He handed me the glass of water and the two pieces of medicine. "Will you explain to me the deal between you and your dad?" he asked as he sat on the edge of the bed.
I stared at him. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang sabihin sa kanya ang katotohanan sa pagkatao kahit na wala nang namamagitan na kasal sa aming dalawa.
He waited for me to speak but I didn't talk. His face softened and said, "Okay, I understand if you don't want to tell me―"
"I'm not his daughter," I cut him off and confessed. "Francis is not my Dad."
His eyes squinted in disbelief and confusion. "That's impossible."
"His twin brother raped m-my mother..." I paused as I felt the familiar pain in my chest.
I saw pity and, at the same time, concern in his eyes. "However, Tito Francis treats you like his own daughter."
I didn't answer him and looked away.
He heaved a sigh. "I'll go to the bathroom. Inumin mo na 'yan," he said before he stood up and went to the bathroom.
I drank the glass of water and placed it on the bedside table. I stared at the two pieces of medicine in my palm before I quickly put them inside my pillow like I used to do before I lay down on the bed and covered myself with a blanket.
I was about to close my eyes when I heard Storm's voice.
"Do you always do that?"
My body turned to face him. I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my head, I was afraid he could hear it. He caught me...
Pigil-hininga akong umiwas ng tingin at humiga saka hinarap ang direksyon kung nasaan ang pintuan. Napahigpit ako ng hawak sa kumot ko. Wala akong nagawa nang kunin niya ang unan ko at binuklat iyon. Dinampot niya ang mga gamot na tinago ko roon.
"P-please..." I said with a shaky voice.
"Maybe this is the reason why you are still stuck in this situation and you're getting worse," he said. He looked like he was trying to control himself but the anger and disappointment were visible in his eyes.
Kinuha niya roon ang gamot na kaparehas ng binigay niya sa akin kanina lamang. Inabot niya sa akin 'yon. But instead of taking the medicines, I threw them against the wall.
He was stunned but later glared at me as he clenched his jaws. "Fara," he called in a threatening voice.
I gritted my teeth and yelled, "It has no cure! Is it hard to understand? Those medicines can never cure this f*cking life!"
He didn't reply but took a deep breath before sitting on the edge of the bed, not facing me.
A few moment of silence, he said, "Then tell me what you want. Don't waste my time on your stubbornness." Naroon ang pagpipigil ng galit sa boses niya.
I felt something clench in my chest because of the last sentence he said. I never asked him to take care of me.
"Just go home..." mahinang sabi ko. "If you're just wasting your time here, j-just leave and go home." I swallowed and lowered my gaze as I felt a lump in my throat. "I don't need you."
Napasunod ako ng tingin sa kaniya nang tumayo siya at saka humarap sa akin. He stared at me without a smile. There he goes with his serious face again. I waited for him to talk, and it took a few seconds before he spoke.
"Don't worry, I only have a few days here. Tyler will come back soon," he said, turning his back on me.
He went straight to the door and was about to turn the doorknob when he paused. "Your situation may not change, but you can change your mindset. Those bad memories in your life will not be erased. They are now part of your life. Making your life miserable like this won't change anything in the past."
His words made sense to me but it wasn't as easy as he thought it was.
"Yes, they will not be erased and they can't change the past. But it's not just about the past, Storm. Every day, it just gets painful - more painful than the past. It won't leave. It just keeps getting worse. That's the reason why I am like this. I didn't make my life miserable! It's this... brokenness and emptiness of my life that's making me miserable. You don't understand it because our lives are not the same. Y-you've never been unloved and lonely..." saad ko habang pinipigilan ko ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko.
He just fell silent, still standing in front of the door. Somehow, his lack of response made me begin to sob.
"Do you think I like this?" I continued as I stared at his back. Naiyukom ko ang mga kamay ko sa inis at galit na nararamdaman ko sa sarili ko. "I don't like this! I don't know why this is happening to me!"
Tuluyan na akong napahagulgol. Sa sobrang dami ng kinikimkim ko sa sarili ko, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang dahilan. I suffered too much mentally and emotionally.
Narinig ko na lang ang pagbukas-sara ng pintuan.
I suddenly thought of Kirby. If he was just here, he would surely take care of me. No matter what happens, he would never leave me. He was wrong when he said Storm would take care of me. Storm was hurting my feelings. He always made me feel that I was difficult to love just because I was like this.
"He can't love me, Kirby..." I whispered between my cries.
"Fara, let's go out!"
I knew it was Kirby. I knew his voice more than anyone else. But I didn't bother to open my eyes.
Inalog niya ako habang balot na balot naman ako ng kumot. Naramdaman kong inaalis niya ang kumot ko at tumama sa balat ko ang malamig na hangin.
"Hey, are you okay?"
I slowly opened my eyes and stared at his face.
He touched my cheek. Shock registered his face when he felt my temperature. "You have a fever!"
Binalik ko ang kumot sa katawan ko. Lumabas naman siya ng kuwarto ko. When he comes back, he's already holding a glass of water.
"I told your mom you had a fever but she said she had to leave. I can't believe her," may inis na sabi niya. Inabot niya sa akin ang gamot at tubig. Umayos ako ng upo para inumin 'yon.
He sat on the edge of the bed. "May masakit ba sa'yo?" he asked, worried about my condition.
"Y-you have a game, Kirby. Don't mind me," I told him. I knew that today was their championship game and that they need him because he was their MVP.
"No, hindi kita iiwan dito."
"I'm fine."
"No, you are not fine."
Nanghihina man ako, nagawa ko pa ring sapakin siya sa braso.
"Aw!" daing niya, kahit hindi naman talaga siya nasaktan.
I glared at him. "They need you."
His face became serious. "And you need me. I choose my bestfriend over anything else."
I was speechless for a moment but I later smiled and said, "Dapat na ba akong magpa-cheeseburger?"
He laughed. "Yeah, you should."
"My feet hurt," I said pouting my lips.
We had a team building yesterday. My body probably can't take so much of the fatigue that's why I had a fever now.
"Here?" He touched my foot. I nodded my head. Then, he started to massage it until I could feel relief on my feet.
"Are you not getting bored with me?" I asked out of curiosity as I watched him massaging my other foot.
He looked at me with a serious face. "Mukha ba akong bored ngayon?" Tinuro niya ang mukha niya.
Bahagya lang akong ngumiti sa kaniya at umiling. "Thank you, Kirby," I whispered.
He smiled back at me. "As long as I'm here, you'll never be lonely, Fara."
Tears couldn't stop streaming down my face as I remembered that day.
"W-why did you leave me, dude? I want to be where you are. I want..." I cried.
Is he in heaven? I thought. Where no more cries and pain. If I have to die just to be there...
I stood and walked towards the cabinet in my room. There I saw a thin blade in a corner. I sat back on the bed and pulled up my jacket to reveal my pulse. Scars adorned my wrist to my forearm. I started to move the blade and sliced my skin. It started to bleed but I was already numb to feel the pain, so I thrust it deeper. I stopped when somebody grabbed my hand harshly.
"Are you really out of your mind?!" he yelled out loud. "What do you think you're doing?!"
Storm snatched the blade from my hand and threw it somewhere far from my reach. Leaving me to stare blankly at my wrist. It was bleeding and the blood was dripping down my bed.