I mourned until the sun rose again and Storm comforted me all night.
Kirby's voice kept playing on my mind. The words he said that I couldn't forget: "I've just missed my best friend..." I could still remember Kirby's smile when he said that. I could still remember his smile, his laugh, his silly jokes, and his sweetness.
His condition was already serious when we last met on Mark's birthday. That was why I noticed that he lost weight when I hugged him.
Storm and I decided to go back to the Philippines so we could visit Kirby's burial - and that idea drove me insane.
Bakit sunud-sunod ang mga taong nawawala sa buhay ko? That was the question in my mind.
I relished the warm climate of the Philippines when we finally arrived at the airport. My cellphone vibrated in my pocket and when I checked it out, it was just a random notification. I was about to touch the home button when one unread message on my notification bar caught my attention. I almost lost my breath when I saw Kirby's name. I opened it and read it.
Kirby Dude
+6326****3242
Friday 11:56 PM
Happy birthday, dude!
I checked the time he sent the message to me. It was on the first of November, Friday night, almost midnight. Ngayon ko lang na-check ang text messages ko, so I didn't notice that he texted me.
I felt my tears form in my eyes again while I was staring at his message. It was the first time that he greeted me with "Happy Birthday" because he used to greet me with "Happy Halloween."
I felt Storm's hand patting my back, trying to calm me down. I hugged him and cried into his chest. I didn't mind if the taxi driver would find us dramatic.
I couldn't help but cry whenever I remember how Kirby became a best friend to me...
"Psst! Fara, com'on let's play outside!" Napalingon ako sa bintana ng kwarto ko nang marinig ko ang mga katok doon.
"Kirby?"
"Yes, it's me."
Pinagbuksan ko siya at mabilis na pumasok naman siya sa loob ng kuwarto ko.
"Dad will kill me," I told him.
"You know, my mom has been asking about you. Kain tayo ng baked na cake ni Mommy," he invited.
"I just really can't."
His facial expression softened. He knew that Dad was locking me inside my room and sometimes, not feeding me all day.
"Okay, okay. Ganito na lang. Kukunin ko ang cake sa bahay namin at dadalhin ko rito," aniya at tinungo muli ang bintana.
I just nodded to him and watched him sneak out of our house. I waited for him to come back. And after a few minutes, there I saw him holding a box of cake. I was so glad that our bodyguard did not notice him. Nang makaakyat na siya, mabilis na kinuha ko ang box sa kaniya at pinatong iyon sa kama.
"C'mon, let's eat this!" he said happily.
Pagkabukas namin ng box, bumungad sa amin ang chocolate-flavored cake. I saw something written there.
Happy Halloween
Fara!
My eyes widened and turned my gaze back at him, who was now smiling at me from ear to ear.
"H-how did you..."
"I saw it in your notebook," he said, still smiling.
"Kirby, thank you!" I hugged him with so much joy. I knew it was weird to thank him knowing that he unpleasantly greeted me, but I appreciated it!
Those memories just pushed me to mourn for more. Kirby was a windfall to me. He lessened the loneliness in my life.
"Everything will be alright," Storm whispered to me.
No, that will never be alright. Losing my best friend is not alright! I thought.
***
"Pasok kayo." Sinalubong kami ng isa sa mga katulong nina Kirby.
I stared at the tarpaulin hanging at the gate of their house. I didn't know what I would feel about what I saw. I thought I was going crazy when I saw what was written in the tarpaulin: farewell.
I bit my lower lip to control my emotion.
"Fara."
Napansin siguro ni Storm na wala akong balak na sumunod sa kaniya kaya siya na mismo ang humawak sa kamay ko at hinila papasok sa loob ng bahay. Nagpatianod lang ako sa kaniya.
There were lots of lights and some guests were talking to each other while they ate. As we entered the main door of the house, my tears started to well up in my eyes because I slowly saw the flowers next to... the casket.
"Fara." I turned my head to the one who called me - it was Tita Helena. I noticed that her eyes were swollen. I was like a statue when she hugged me - I didn't move. I heard her cries, crying like a child.
I shifted my look to the coffin and looked at a picture frame with Kirby's picture. I could no longer control my emotions so I broke down. I whimpered like I wanted to go crazy because I couldn't accept that the casket in front of me contained Kirby's body.
After a few minutes, I calm down a little bit.
Tita Helena broke our hug and then I felt her palm on my cheek, so I looked at her. "We need to be strong, hija," she told me.
I just kept sobbing with hiccupping.
"Sige na, tingnan mo na siya," she said, referring to Kirby's dead body.
I shook my head and said, "A-ayoko po." I cried again. I was afraid to see him dead.
"Please, Fara. You need to be strong... for Kirby," Storm said. He was behind me.
I slowly moved my head side to side. "No... K-Kirby is not dead!"
Storm held my wrist and dragged me to sit down on the sofa. I turned my gaze on him. He was teary-eyed.
"I don't wanna see him there," I told him with pleading.
"We need to accept it," he said with sadness in his voice.
"I can't!" I cried.
"Fara, you need to be strong."
I shook my head. He just heaved a sigh and wiped my tears with his handkerchief.
***
Tita Helena suggested we stay in their home. Storm agreed with that so he got some clothes for us so that we could stay there until Kirby's last night.
I had less sleep for how many days because I was struggling to sleep at night. I also neglected my studies because I was not attending our classes, but Storm sent an excuse letter to the admin of the university.
Until now, I still didn't dare to look at him. Every time I was trying to take a look at him, my heart was shattering.
"Fara?" I heard Tita Helena's voice at the door of the bedroom.
She entered the room and came to me, so I sat up. "Fara, I have something for you." Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at nilagay doon ang isang nakatuping papel. "A letter from Kirby."
Saglit akong napatitig doon. I turned my gaze back at Tita Helena.
She just slightly smiled at me. "Maiwan muna kita," she said and then left me alone in the room.
My hands were shivering while opening the letter. Knowing that this letter was from Kirby, it made me emotional. Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang sulat bago binasa.
Dear Charo,
Muntikan na akong masamid sa sarili kong laway nang mabasa ko ang bungad ng sulat niya. What the heck? I thought. I just shook my head. Kirby will always be Kirby.
I continued reading the letter.
Fara, I'm sorry for not telling you about my condition. I don't want you to worry about me, so I decided to hide it from you. I hope you're not mad at me right now and I hope you're not crying right now. Please, stop crying. Baka hindi ako papasukin sa langit.
Marami akong gustong sabihin sa'yo, pero sa tingin ko tama na ang lahat ng sinabi ko sa'yo noong huling tawag ko sa'yo. It's really hard to confess my feelings for you. I know I'm just a friend to you, but everything I told you was true. It wasn't a joke. I love you, Fara, more than a best friend. When Sam was courting you and you let him be your boyfriend, I was so frustrated that time but I pretended that I didn't care, I was not hurting and it was just okay. Hindi ko alam na p'wede pala akong mag-artista sa sobrang galing ko umarte. I was drowned in bitterness and I envy Sam for having you, so I made a way to break your relationship. Ako ang nagsabi kay Tito Francis tungkol sa inyo ni Sam. I'm really sorry.
Nanlaki ang mata ko at hindi makapaniwala sa nabasa ko. Napatakip ako ng bibig dahil sa gulat.
I did not expect when your dad arranged you to Storm, and Storm has been a friend of mine. I know him well. At that time, I already know about my health condition. That's why I let you marry him. I was so glad when you married him because I know he will take care of you. I love you both. I always wish the best for you. I know you'll also learn to love him someday because Storm has the characteristics of your ideal man: handsome, gentle and talented, am I right? Hahaha! Kaya alam kong wala akong pag-asa sa'yo, e. Kagwapuhan lang ang meron ako pero wala akong talent. Storm is a faithful servant of God and he shared this salvation with me. Kaya 'wag ka nang malungkot dahil kasama ko na ang Lord ngayon.
Live your life with the fullness of joy. I love you. That's why I let you be with someone who can make you happy and who will change your perception of life. Hanggang dito na lamang ang aking sulat. Nawa'y maging maligaya kayo. Have lots of children. Humayo kayo at magpakarami!
Nagmamahal,
Kirby
PS: Don't cry too much. Your ugly face as you cry can't bring me back to life.
Napatawa at napangiti ako dahil sa sulat niya. But later, my laughter turned into agony. I started to mourn again. Sobrang naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil sa pagkamanhid ko. Bakit hindi ko napansin? Ganoon ba siya kagaling umarte? He was an assh*le to hide his feelings from me.
"I hate you so much, dude!"
***
"There's a story in the Bible - the story of a rich man and Lazarus, the poor man. Babasahin ko po sa Lucas 16:19-31..." Pastor Alvin was preaching in front of the visitors on Kirby's last night.
Ate Christy and Kuya Bry were also here. We were all listening to the Word of God.
"'May isang mayamang laging nagdaramit ng mamahalin at saganang-sagana sa pagkain araw-araw. May isa namang pulubing nagngangalang Lazaro na tadtad ng sugat sa katawan at nakahiga sa may pintuan ng mayaman sa hangad na matapunan man lamang ng mga mumong nahuhulog mula sa hapag ng mayaman. At doo'y nilalapitan siya ng mga aso at dinidilaan ang kanyang mga sugat..." Pastor Alvin read the Bible.
"Ang pulubi pong ito ay si Lazaro, na laging nakaabang sa mayaman upang maghintay na may mahulog na pagkain mula sa lamesa ng mayaman. Ito naman pong mayaman na ito ay walang ibang ginawa sa buhay kundi magpakayaman at magpakasarap sa buhay." Inilibot ni Pastor Alvin ang tingin sa mga tao.
"Minsan po sa buhay ng tao ay ganito lagi ang prinsipyo: 'I need to gain money for my future.' Nag-iipon ng kayaman para i-secure ang kanilang buhay, pero nalilimutan naman ang Diyos na may hawak ng kanilang buhay. Ang tanong: Do you really have a future? No one knows kung aabot ba talaga tayo sa future na inaasam natin dahil walang pinipili ang kamatayan. Walang pinipiling edad―bata man o matanda. Who holds our future? It's God! God holds our future. Kung Siya lang din naman ang may hawak ng buhay natin, bakit hindi pa natin ibigay ang buhay natin sa Kanya?" he explained and then turned back his gaze on the Bible.
"Balik po tayo kay Lazaro. Ang sabi po sa verse twenty-two, 'Namatay ang pulubi at siya'y dinala ng mga anghel sa piling ni Abraham sa langit bilang isang parangal. Namatay rin ang mayaman at inilibing. Sa gitna ng kanyang pagdurusa sa daigdig ng mga patay, natanaw ng mayaman si Lazaro sa piling ni Abraham. Kaya't sumigaw siya, 'Amang Abraham, maawa po kayo sa akin. Utusan po ninyo si Lazaro na isawsaw sa tubig ang dulo ng kanyang daliri at basain ang aking dila, dahil ako'y naghihirap sa apoy na ito.'"
"Ang sabi po rito namatay si Lazaro at siya'y dinala ng mga anghel sa piling ni Abraham sa langit o ang tinatawag na paraiso..." he explained. "Samantalang ang mayaman po ay dinala sa daigdig ng mga patay o ang tinawag na 'Hades' sa ibang salin. Itong Hades na ito ay hindi pa ang 'lake of fire' o Gehenna sa salitang Griyego na binabanggit ng Revelation ngunit impyerno na ang mararanasan mo. Ito pong Hades ay ang lugar kung nasaan ang mga taong hindi ligtas na naghihitay sa final judgement, at pagkatapos ng final judgement, doon sila itatapon sa lake of fire...
"Pero bagamat hindi pa ito ang lake of fire, malinaw na sinasabi ng talatang binasa natin na mainit na sa Hades at nagdurusa ang mga nilalang na naroon. Kaya ang sabi ng mayaman kay Abraham, 'Amang Abraham, maawa po kayo sa akin. Utusan po ninyo si Lazaro na isawsaw sa tubig ang dulo ng kanyang daliri at basain ang aking dila, dahil ako'y naghihirap sa apoy na ito!' Ibig sabihin po ay sa Hades pa lamang napakainit na. This is the present hell before Gehenna, the literal place of everlasting fire. Napakalinaw po sa Bible na walang purgatoryo at soul-sleep na matutulog muna ang kaluluwa mo bago ang final judgement. Kapag namatay ang tao, dadalhin ka kaagad kung saan ang destinasyon mo - sa langit o sa impyerno. Hindi ka na kailangan ipanalangin ng mga kamag-anak mo sa loob ng ilang araw para mapunta ka sa langit."
Muli niyang ibinalik ang tingin sa Bibliya. "Verse twenty-five to thirty-one, 'Ngunit sumagot si Abraham, "Anak, alalahanin mong nagpasasa ka sa buhay noong ikaw ay nasa lupa, at si Lazaro naman ay nagtiis ng kahirapan. Subalit ngayon ay maligaya siya rito samantalang ikaw nama'y nagdurusa riyan. Bukod dito, may malaking bangin sa pagitan natin, kaya't ang mga naririto ay hindi makakapunta riyan at ang mga naririyan ay hindi makakapunta rito..."
"Ngunit sinabi ng mayaman, "Kung gayon po, Amang Abraham, ipinapakiusap ko pong papuntahin na lamang ninyo si Lazaro sa bahay ng aking ama, sa aking limang kapatid na lalaki. Suguin po ninyo siya upang sila'y bigyang-babala upang hindi sila humantong sa dakong ito ng pagdurusa..."
"Ngunit sinabi sa kanya ni Abraham, "Nasa kanila ang mga sinulat ni Moises at ng mga propeta; iyon ang kanilang sundin." Sumagot ang mayaman, "Hindi po sapat ang mga iyon. Ngunit kung magpapakita sa kanila ang isang patay na muling nabuhay, magsisisi sila't tatalikuran ang kanilang mga kasalanan." Sinabi naman sa kanya ni Abraham, "Kung ayaw nilang sundin ang mga sinulat ni Moises at ng mga propeta, hindi rin nila paniniwalaan kahit ang isang patay na muling nabuhay."
Tahimik lamang ang paligid at lahat ay nakatutok sa sinasabi ng Pastor.
"Minsan akala ng tao walang katapusan ang buhay sa mundo, ngunit hindi natin alam na darating sa bawat isa sa atin ang kamatayan. At sa ating kamatayan, doon pa lamang mag-uumpisa ang ating buhay - ang buhay sa kabilang buhay. Tandaan po natin na wala nang chance kapag ikaw ay namatay na. Kaya dapat pinaghahandaan ang kamatayan. Sa papaanong paraan? Sa pamamagitan ng pananampalataya sa Diyos at pagsunod sa kalooban ng Diyos, at malalaman po natin ang kalooban ng Diyos kung tayo'y magbabasa ng Salita ng Diyos...
"Tulad po ng sinasabi sa binasa nating talata, narito na po sa atin ang mga sulat ni Moises at ng mga propeta, at ito po'y ipinangangaral sa buong mundo. Ang dapat lamang nating gawin ay maniwala sa mga sulat na ito - ang Bibliya. Malinaw po sa Bibliya na mayroong langit at impyerno. Akala ng iba kapag namatay ang isang tao, wala na. Kaya ang iba nagpapatiwakal o nagpapakamatay kapag hindi na nakayanan ang problema dahil ang alam nila kapag namatay ang isang tao, tapos na ang lahat ng paghihirap. Pero ang hindi nila alam, mas lalong madaragdagan ang kanilang paghihirap sa impyerno..."
Now I know what is life after death, I thought.
"Ngunit mayroong magandang balita, kapatid! May kaloob na buhay na walang hanggan ang Diyos sa bawat taong nanatiling nanampalataya sa Kaniya. Katulad ng nangyari kay Lazaro, natapos ang kahirapan niya sa lupa at nagsimula ang masagana niyang buhay doon sa paraiso. Ang kailangan mo lamang gawin ay ang magsisi sa iyong mga kasalanan at sumampalataya sa Panginoong Jesu-Cristo..."
The Pastor just elaborated about the death, and there were so many lessons from Pastor's preaching that I learned in this sermon.
Afterward, people ate and then some left.
"Bro, una na kami," paalam ni Kuya Bryan nang matapos ang gawain. "Fara," paalam nilang dalawa ni Ate Christy sa akin. I just nodded to them.
"Fara, let's eat," ani Storm sa akin nang makaalis sina Ate Christy at Kuya Bry. Kaninang tanghali pa kasi ako hindi kumakain dahil wala akong gana.
"Later," I replied.
"No, you will eat now," he said with such authority in his voice. Alam kasi niya na hindi rin ako kakain mamaya.
Wala rin naman akong nagawa. Sabay kaming kumain habang kapwa nakaupo sa sofa malapit sa kabaong ni Kirby.
I turned my head to the woman who walked in, entering the house. She wore a floral dress, looking elegant, gorgeous and a head-turner because some visitors turned their gaze on her.
"Demi!" Tita Helena approached her.
"Tita!" the woman said and hugged Tita Thalia.
"Diyos ko! Ikaw na ba 'yan? Kay tagal mong nawala. Kumusta ka na?" Tita Thalia blurted out in surprise.
"Okay lang po. Nabalitaan ko po kasi ang nangyari kay Kirby."
I stopped when I realized who that woman was. I turned my gaze on Storm who was just watching them, wearing a serious expression on his face.
The woman walked slowly towards the casket. Her shoulders shook as she started weeping and Tita Helena went to comfort her.
Demi...
I just looked at her sadly and then turned my gaze at Storm who was still staring at Demi. I saw his Adam's apple move before he looked away.
Demi calmed down afterward. Tita Helena accompanied her to take a seat near us. She was wiping her tears away through her handkerchief when her gaze turned to Storm. I saw her eyes widen.
"Dylan..." she uttered.
Storm looked up at her and just gave her a plain smile.
Tila gusto kong maglaho sa kinauupuan ko dahil sa tanawin na 'yon.