I'll Fight Til I Can't
The Following Morning
March 30, 2016
August (POV)
"How ya' feelin' munch?" I asked walking into her room.
"I feel great!" She yelled ecstatically showing me her muscles.
"Dat's what I'm talkin' bout, dat's dat' Alsina blood!"
"I hope it don't make meh' skinny like you." She said with a concerned yet amused face.
"Too far Kali, juss' too far fam."
I heard her loud laughter filling up my ears and drifting into my heart. It felt good to hear my baby girl laughing after such an ordeal.
"I'm juss' kiddin' Auggie pooh."
"Hurt my feelins man."
"I'm sorry Auggie."
"Y'all gotta unda'stand I'm skinny swole."
"Mo' like skinny po'." She mumbled.
"Kali!" I gasped placing my hand over my heart,"I thought we was betta' than dat' bug."
She didn't even respond to me she was laughing so hard.
I couldn't do anything but shake my head as I chuckled at her.
I looked around the room and came to a halt noticing some x-rays that rested at the table at the end of her bed. At first glance it looked like an ultrasound of some sort, but I knew for a fact what I was looking at wasn't a child in the womb it was in fact a....
"Dat's my heart." She climbed to the end of the bed with me,"See, da' ones labeled RA, LA, RV, and LV are supposed ta' be divided."
"But see dis'," she said pointing to the star in the center of her heart,"Dat' right thea' is da' reason I'm gone die."
Hearing those words leave her mouth left me at an all time low. I've never heard her speak this way and with so much certainty in her voice; as if she knew that that would be her fate. If my heart had anymore strings holding it together, they had just been cut.
If anyone didn't deserve this, she didn't. She'd already been through enough pain and sacrifice in her life, but to have to sacrifice her own life. That was too much for any of us too handle. I would never question God and his decisions that he's made, but after hearing her say that I couldn't help but to look at everything that has taken place.
Why the hell couldn't they ever catch a break? Why couldn't they be happy without any attachments, or interruptions? Is this truly a blessing in disguise?
The more I looked at the damn picture the more I grew infuriated: why the hell would they leave this in her room.
I've been through plenty, more than you could imagine, but losing another loved one, I couldn't add that to my list of heartbreak.
"Kali dont'chu eva' say dat'!"
"But-,"
"I don't eva' wanna hea' dat' shit leavin' yo' mouth again you hea' me?! You not goin' no fuckin' wea', do you hea' me?!"
"Y-Yes." She croaked.
Looking over at her I seen the fear in her eyes as the tears fell down he gorgeous plump little face. I wasn't trying to scare her, but I had to let her know- I had to reassure her that her life will not be taken because of this. She had an awesome God and I'm hoping that he won't take my love.
"C'mere."
She climbed into my lap and allowed me to cradle her as we both cried to each other.
"Ya' not goin', ok? You stayin' right hea' wit' me, ok?" I cried kissing the top of her head.
"I'm gonna die Aug, I'm gonna die, ok?!" She yelled clutching onto my shirt.
"Kali-,"
"I'm scared Aug.....I'm not ready."
"And you don't have ta' be," I spoke softly lifting her chin,"You don't have ta' be ready no time soon. Ya' can't let dis' situation get da' best of you Kali, you gotta listen ta' Mel when he tell ya' ta' keep pushin' and be self made."
"I don't wanna leave you guys." She cried,"I wanna be somethin'."
"Baybeh girl you're my inspiration, ya' know dat'? If it wasn't fa' you I wouldn't have eva' rememba'd my baybehs. You mean so much ta' so many people mama. You gotta stop thinkin' dis' gone stop you from reachin' yo' dreams my love. Not only do you have God, but you got yo' team and ma' dukes watchin' ova' you. So baybeh trust meh' when I say you gone live a long life."
She looked at me with tears streaming down her face and a face of pure fear.
"P-Promise?"
"I promise my love."
She let out a sigh of relief as she laid her head back on my chest,"O-Ok."
She was afraid to die, afraid of leaving everything she loved and cherished behind; and what little kid wouldn't be. She hasn't even gotten a chance to experience life as a child. She always had to be a fighter. Just like Mani never got that chance to be a real kid.
They never could just relax and let life pass them by without a care. The didn't have that luxury.
No child should ever have to fear if they're going to wake up or die in their sleep. No child should have to sit on the sideline while all the other little kids have a fun time. Especially not a free spirited loving child like Kaliana, she deserved the best childhood in the world...
One that I plan to give her.
"Wea-Wea' my sista'?" She hiccupped.
"She packin' up y'all's clothes fa' da' trip." I said hoping it would brighten her mood.
"Gosh, I can't wait ta' see ery'body." She yawned.
"Ya' can't?"
She nodded,"Yes I really, really, really missed my family."
"I know dey' missed y'all too munch."
"You sound like uncle Mel when ya' say dat'." She toyed with the end of my shirt.
"Ya' want me ta' stop?" I questioned trying to see her little face that was buried in my chest.
"No, I like it....makes me feel like he talkin' ta' me through you." She smiled up at me making me smile back down at her-I mean I didn't even have to think about it, my lips just formed into a smile looking at her.
"Go ta' sleep mama, imma be right hea' when ya' wake up."
"Okay.....Aug?"
"Yea?"
"C-Can you sing ta' me, like ya' use to."
I smiled,"Fa'sho munch, what'cha wanna hea'?" I queried sliding up in the bed so that I was now laying down, while she rested on my chest.
"It don't matta' long as my Auggie pooh sing it." She snuggled closer into me.
I wanted her to know that I needed her and that her and Mani were exactly what I was missing in life. I wanted her to know that from the day I was born they were meant to come into my life, they were meant for me. Before them I was just some fucked up kid with an attitude to match. A rude misunderstood kid with a grudge against the world, but then they came along... and changed me they did.
"I got money,
Everything dat' I ever wanted
Neva' thought of what I might need,
Need, need.
Ain't it funny,
How I spend my whole life runnin'.
Reachin' for the sky high and comin' down with nothin'.
Feels like I'm four years old all over again.
Cause I'm juss' runnin' fast
Should be walkin'.
Sayin' when I grow up
You gon' see.
I'm gon' be comfortable and happy.
I guess I was fakin'.
Cause look at all the money I'm makin'.
Still nothin' can compare ta' the thought,
Of love.
But it's takin'
Too much time to see that I'm wastin'.
Reachin' for the sky high and comin' down with nothin'.
It feels like I'm four years old all over again.
Cause I just keep runnin' fast
Should be walkin'.
Sayin' when I grow up
You gon' see.
I'm gon' be comfortable and happy.
I'm so alone,
I feel so alone,
So alone in this world.
Got everything I want.
It feels like I'm four years old all over again.
Cause I just keep runnin' fast
Should be walkin'.
Sayin' when I grow up
You gon' see.
I'm gon' be comfortable and happy.
Whoahhh."
I heard her soft snores filling up the room and slowly slid from under her. I pulled the cover over her frail body and kissed the side of her forehead."I luh' you fa'eva and a day my love....and even afta' dat'." I whispered.
For a second or two, possibly three, I watched her sleep peacefully. Looking at her chest move up then down, then up twice then back down. I then remembered that damn x-ray I saw and quickly grabbed it off of the table before making my way out of Kali's room.
"Gone kill me a bitch." I sung lowly as I walked through the halls.
"Oh my god August Alsina! I love your m-,"
I held out my hand and mushed the nurses head that was approaching me.
"Not nah' baybeh I'm on a mission."
I walked until I seen the door labeled 'Dr. T Morris', and swiftly rose my hand to knock.
"Come in!" She yelled from the other side.
"Oh bitch I'm comin'." I mumbled.
I opened the door and there she was, sitting at her brown chestnut desk looking over some type of paper work. Her glasses hung lowly off of her face as she looked up at me with a smile.
"Well hello Mr. Als-,"
"What da' fuck is dis'?!" I yelled throwing the x-ray on her desk.
She looked confusingly at the paper before her before realization took over, "These are Kali's x-rays, how did you get these? They're confidential." She told me looking from me back to the x-rays.
"Dey' was left in ha' fuckin' room!"
"Oh my goodness." She gasped.
"Nah' its bad enough dat' she smart enough ta' know how serious ha' situation is, but when she sees shit like dis' how da' fuck you think dat' make her feel."
"I am so sor-,"
"You know what she juss' tol' me doc? She juss' told me dat' she was gone die, dat'- dat' hole was gone be da' reason she died."
"Mr. Alsina I am truly sorr-,"
"Do you know how hard it is ta' hea' my baybeh girl say some shit like dat'?!"
"Mr. Alsina I understand your frustration, I do, but you have to think realistically."
"What da' fuck you mean realistically?!" I asked angrily.
She stood from her desk and took her glasses off,"How long do you think you're body is going to be able to donate blood to her without shutting down? Yes, you're a match, but Mr. Alsina you can't do this forever, eventually these transfusions will have no affect and she will-,"
"You got kids?"
She sighed and momentarily closed her eyes,"Yes, an eight year old son." She responded.
"Well imagine dat' he was in Kali's position, what would you do?"
"I would give until my body couldn't go on." She answered with no hesitation.
"So what da' fuck you think I'm finna do, if I gotta fight til I'm gone so be it."
"I get it, I would feel and do the same as you Mr. Alsina, but she needs to have this operation. Blood transfusions will hold her up for now, but what happens when they stop working?" She questioned." I've been with Kali for three years now and I want nothing more than to see her happy, but what happens when her heart and body starts to reject the blood you're trying to give her?"
She had a point....
"Look, we'll cross dat' road when we get thea'. Fa' now, you juss' need ta' continue ta' keep Kali's best interest at heart."
"I always will."
"And if I see some mo' shit like dat' in ha' room, I'm offin' ery'body up in'nis bitch." I said before walking out of her office and making my way to the entrance of the hospital, so I could go pick up Mani.
*
*
*
"Say Mo', ya' up?!" Yelled walking through the doors of our home.
Once I didn't receive a response, I walked up the stairs to her room, only to see it was empty. I walked to Kali's and seen it was empty too.
"Hell she at?" I asked walking towards my room.
I pushed the door open to my room and walked in. I looked over at my bed and seen her lying there, sleeping, looking exactly like Kali.
My wife, the one that could do anything, even give me a reason to live. She looked so cute holding on to my pillow as if it were me. God, I can't even explain to you how much I missed her embrace.
Last night she didn't say two words to me, she didn't look at me, she couldn't even respond to me. She was in her room crying so hard I doubt she got any rest.
I know she's feeling some type of way, that's understandable. She needed me and I wasn't there for her. But with what I got planned - all those feelings will be replaced with nothing but the love we once had.
"How's my Kali?" She said in a raspy like tone.
"She good, juss' had a lil set back, but she good now."
"A set back?"
"Yea,"I kicked off my shoes and climbed in on the other side of the bed laying on my back," Them dumb ass doctas left a x-ray of ha' heart in da' room."
"Thet did what?!" Mani yelled sitting up in the bed.
"Dumb fucks makin' ha' feel worse about all dis' shit."
"Oh hell no!" She yelled sliding to the edge of the bed and already putting on one of her shoes.
"It's cool, it's cool. I went off on ney' asses- I'm pretty sho' ain't no' mo' slip ups gone be happenin'."
After I said that she relaxed a little, but you could still see the concern in her posture. She let out a deep breath while her back remained to me. She placed her hands on either side of her on the bed as her head hung lowly.
"She thinks she's gonna die, but she's not." She said softly into the silence. And even though she spoke quietly I could still hear the determination in her voice.
"How did you know?"
"I overheard her talkin' ta' Mel and our mama about it, she feels like she's in her last days." She sniffled out.
"Well she's not Mo', I'll fight til I can't fa' dat' lil girl....til da' fuckin' end."
"Aug-,"
"I know you hate me right now, and I do too, but I need y'all ta' unda'stand I'm not turnin' my back on y'all eva' again. I'm gone always be hea' when y'all need me from now on. So you can huff and puff all day long, but baybeh daddy Aug still gone be right hea', ya' heard meh."
"I hea' you." She smiled.
"Good, now c'mon so we can finish packin' and go get our baybeh."
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