We went to see Dr. U. this morning and Strawberry is great. I, on the other hand, am not doing well. Blood work is not improving. I am not gaining weight. Blah blah blah. I am fucked.
It is so frustrating. I am doing everything they ask of me. I make any sacrifice. But because we have no alpha, my best is not good enough. Why were omegas made this way? If the second gender biological system evolved to improve the likelihood of the species, why wouldn't this account for abandoned or widowed omegas?
Why do I have to need Zee? Why do I feel desperate to see him and to have him here? Shouldn't I be angry and hate him at this point? If I wasn't controlled by hormones, I would...I don't even know anymore. I feel so overrun by my emotions. Like right now. I am so ANGRY!
Stupid second gender bullshit. I want to be emancipated from all alphas!
Deep breath...
My emotions are not always negative. There are plenty of moments where I am like any other pregnant omega. Sitting in my nest, happily planning for the baby. I have a nursery theme, strawberries of course. I researched safety specifications on car seats. What stroller is the easiest to manage alone? I read books on child development, and how to be the best mommy to my little Strawberry. This is how I imagine I would be all the time if I had Zee. Enjoying my pregnancy, instead of worrying about Strawberry, my health, and Zee.
More and more I find myself in a paranoid spiral and it is getting worse. I want to tell Mom, but the paranoia won't let me tell anyone. I am afraid they will say I am unfit to be a mother. But I have never once considered doing anything that would risk the baby. Not once, ever. At least in that respect, I am clear.
Sometimes I go down these little ratholes. Like the time I spent 24 hours looking for remote homes to rent. Just in case the Panich family comes after me to take Strawberry. I am not saying I will run away and live like a crazy pregnant hermit. But it makes me feel better to have several backup plans. It helps with the anxiety.
Anyway, Dr. U says I have a few options. The best option would be to have Zee's pheromones. She likes to say that every time like I am hiding him somewhere and refusing to use him. The next best option is to take hormones. It is a time-release medication, that I take once a day and, once a week I get a shot during my regular visit. There is very little risk for Strawberry. If there is a complication, it will be mine to bear.
Dr. U. explained that 15% of pregnant omegas have complications after starting hormone therapy. For some unknown reason, their bodies reject the medication and go into shock. The immune system wages war on the foreign hormones, further exhausting the omega. Dr. U wanted me to understand that. She told me omegas have died during childbirth because their bodies were so drained. Giving their very last breath to their babe. I can understand that.
More morbid thinking on my part.
Anyway, we are going to try that first.
Other options were kind of weird. Like finding a substitute alpha I am compatible with. I am not sure how that works, but I don't like the sound of it. Let's hope the hormones do the trick.