word count 1581
his hand on your thigh, your fingers tangled in his as streetcar by daniel caesar blasted over the stereo. cars flew by as cal sped down the freeway, his features illuminated by the moonlight as he gripped the steering wheel with one hand, thumb tapping along to the song.
"cal?" you said softly. he hummed, glancing over at you for a split second before his eyes returned to the road. "i love you."
"i love you too, y/n."
you and calum were going through a rough patch. between his constant absence with work and your own family issues, it was hard for either of you to take time for your relationship. you were only 21, calum was 23. neither of you were ready to settle down for the rest of your life, you knew this, which is why it was okay for either of you to take time for yourselves. but six months was too long.
"are we okay?" you asked. you felt his fingers tighten around your's.
"how do you mean?"
"calum." your voice was soft, vulnerable. "you left. for six months."
"i was on tour, y/n."
"you didn't... you didn't say anything. for six months," you said, a crack evident in your voice. calum let out a sigh, which only led you further. "you left without a word and then proceeded— proceeded to keep to yourself until you got back."
"i just needed time to myself."
"and you couldn't have told me that?" you said, your voice raising ever so slightly. calum retracted his hand. "i... you should've told me you needed time."
"i know, i'm sorry."
"six months, calum." you brought your sleeve to your eyes. he'd only been home a week, and you had only talked about his sudden absence once since he got back. tonight included. "six fucking months. you can't leave me for six months."
"i know."
"do you know how embarrassing it was for me? for me to go home for a month and have my family ask how you were doing? i had no fucking clue, calum, because i hadn't talked to you since two days before you left. do you know how embarrassing it is for me to have to lie to my family about my boyfriend leaving me without a word?"
"i'm sorry, y/n—"
"i get that you need time. but if you don't want to be in this relationship anymore then tell me because i sure as hell can't live in constant fear of waking up alone again."
calum was silent. he pulled off to the side of the road, turning off the car along with the music so then it was complete and utter silence. even the cars whizzing by didn't seem to make a noise.
"i hated you, you know."
calum glanced up at you. his eyes were so dark that it intimidated you. but you swallowed the lump in your throat and continued on.
"i hated you. i still do. i fucking despise some parts of you, calum. i hate that you're fine with throwing your life away at times. i hate that every time you cross a road, you don't check to see if there's a car coming. i hate that you risk losing me. i hate that you're so selfless yet don't think about how other people would react to the things you do, or could do. i hate that." you were crying now, tears streaming down your face. calum only watched you talk, not interrupting nor reaching over to wipe your face. "why do you do that? why do you care so much about me, do everything for me then leave me for six months? you scare me, calum. i hate you so fucking much and i hate that i'm so in love with you and everything you do. fuck, i just—"
