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2:13. that was the time calum walked through the front door. he was supposed to be home five hours earlier.
the door slammed closed and you sat up in bed, turning on the lamp on your bedside table. loud footsteps were heard as something heavy was dropped on the floor.
peeling the covers off you, you climbed out of bed and tip toed into the kitchen, peering around the corner. calum stood with his back to you, head in his hands as his elbows held him up while he leaned against the counter.
"cal?" you whispered ever so softly. you could see him tense before standing up straight and turning around to face you.
"why are you up, y/n?"
his tone was harsh, forced through gritted teeth. something was wrong, though you weren't sure what. calum never called you by name, it was merely pet names for the last two years you'd been together.
"y-you weren't home, i was worried—"
"go back to bed," he said, turning back around. calum opened the cupboard above him, grabbing a bottle of pills. you sighed, crossing your arms as you bit your lower lip.
"baby—"
"go to bed, y/n," he snapped. you flinched at the boy's tone, yet stood your ground.
"calum, whatever is going on—"
"fuck, did you not hear me?" he said, raising his voice as he turned around. "i'm fine, y/n! i don't need you knowing every little thing going on in my life."
your eyes began to sting as you nodded slowly. you turned on your heel, creeping back to your's and calum's room where you crawled back into bed. the covers were held up to your chin as you looked at the moon outside your window, mind racing as you replayed the current events.
before you realized, it was six in the morning and your alarm was blaring from the bedside table. with a groan you turned in bed and shut it off, staring up at the ceiling before glancing over to the empty side of the bed. you hadn't slept a wink that night.
after a few more minutes of pondering, you forced yourself out of bed and began to get ready for the day. the first thing on your agenda was a morning run, one of which calum usually accompanied you on but you assumed today that was not the case.
as you slipped on your leggings, your second alarm went off and you shut that one off too before heading into the kitchen to make yourself a smoothie. from your place behind the counter, you could see calum's body sprawled across your couch, a blanket lazily draped over him.
a sigh left your lips before you turned on the blender. he moved a bit, turning over as you held down the cup. once you were finished getting ready, you slung your bag over your shoulder and walked to the front door, keys and phone in hand. you passed calum on the way out, hoping for some sort of apology, or really any sign that he was alive to be honest, but there was nothing. his eyes were shut, mouth parted as light snores left the boy's lips.
it wasn't until two hours later when you returned home. calum wasn't on the couch anymore, but in the kitchen. he didn't utter a word to you as you washed out your smoothie cup and the blender. he didn't even bat an eye when you cut your finger on one of the sharp blades.
ten minutes later and you sat at the table, checking your email. duke was pawing at your leg, making you look down at the small yet older dog.
"what, baby?"
he barked, wagging his tail.
"do you want to go outside?" you asked the furry little creature. he yapped and you took that as a yes, closing your laptop and getting up to take the dog out to the backyard.
as you walked outside, you noticed calum sitting on the steps of the porch, earbuds in as a cigarette was placed between his fingers. quietly, you shut the door and creeped out behind him, finally taking a seat beside your quiet boyfriend.
the two of you watched duke run around the backyard for about three minutes before you took the cigarette from him and lifted it to your lips. calum only watched you before saying,
"you don't smoke."
you brushed off the comment, exhaling before handing calum back the cigarette. he held it between his fingers, which rested on his knee as he shielding his face from the sun with his other hand. calum was only wearing a pair of black basketball shorts and a black dad hat, adidas slides on his feet. it was quite hot out that day.
"y/n," he said, his voice as soft as cotton. you glanced up at him. "'m sorry for treating you like shit."
"it's okay."
"no, it's not," he sighed, taking a drag of his cigarette. "you deserve so much better than me. all i do is treat you like shit — i feel like we're constantly fighting lately and i don't bring you as much happiness as i did before."
"cal, you still make me happy."
"but you don't deny we fight most of the time," calum said, meeting your eyes for the first time in twenty four hours. "i can't give you what you deserve in a relationship, y/n. i knew from the beginning that you're special, that i should keep you close to my heart but now all i'm doing is pushing you away and... and..."
calum ran a hand over his face, his elbows resting on his knees as he let a sigh out into his hands. your heart ached, watching the boy you had fallen so deeply for.
"baby," you sighed, rubbing his back. calum wiped his eyes, sniffling.
"i love you so much, y/n," calum said, looking into your eyes again. "i don't know how to cope with the amount of love i have for you."
"cal—"
"you deserve someone who will appreciate you for being you, not someone who will push you away because of selfish reasons."
"babe, you aren't selfish," you said, feeling your eyes water. you knew exactly what calum was talking about; it'd been a month since the incident and he was still thinking about it.
calum always had a hard time with mental health and confidence, but lately it was affecting him more than usual. the past month, his mental state was worse than usual and he locked himself in his room for days at a time. you thought he'd gotten better over the past month, though now it was brought to your attention that nothing was fixed, only ignored.
"cal, don't ever think you're being selfish for putting your mental health first, okay?" you said, holding his delicate face in your small hands. "nothing is more important to me than you. you're the reason i wake up in the morning, baby."
calum's eyes pooled with tears as you spoke. his teeth bit down so hard on his lip that when you kissed him you could taste blood.
"please don't ever leave me," you mumbled, wrapping your arms around him as you nuzzled your face in calum's neck. calum pulled you closer, his arms around your waist as he held you tight. "i love you too much."
"i'm sorry," he whispered, a voice crack evident as he spoke. "i need help, baby."
