Forever and Always (Sciles)

59: It Hurts Like Hell

Scott POV

Everything hurts. Especially my heart. It hurts like hell. I didn't expect it to hurt this much, but it does. Or maybe I did expect it to hurt this much, but I never thought it would ever become a reality. I mean, who would? I'm still so lost, upset, angry, confused and shocked about the whole thing. I don't understand why this had to happen or where I went so wrong. Stiles is my everything... But clearly I'm not his. I hold onto my pillow a little tighter at the thought and I squeeze my eyes tight shut as the tears continually pour down my face. My body shakes slightly from my sobbing and whimpering, so I continue to clutch the pillow tighter, hoping that it can somehow take all of this away. I just want all of this to end. I want to understand why this all happened. Why did Stiles choose Moselle? When did he fall out of love with me? Does he really hate me?

I think the worst part about all of this is that I really want to hate Stiles. I want to hate him for breaking up with me, breaking my heart into a thousand tiny little pieces and making me cry. I want to hate him for leaving me alone when I really needed him most. I want to hate Stiles for choosing Moselle over me. I want to hate him for lying to me. I want to hate him for making me feel so special and loved, just for all of that to come crashing down and not be true. But I mostly really want to hate Stiles because no matter how much I try, I could never really hate him, not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. That's the worst part. I'll never be able to hate Stiles, and I know that I'll always love Stiles with all my heart. It's not fair. I really want to hate Stiles and his stupid, loveable smile that can light up the world, but I can't. I scream in frustration and bury my face deeper into the pillow, crying harder and louder.

This hurts a lot more than my breakups with Allison and Kira. I'm not even going to count Samantha because I was thankful to be rid of her and her possessive control over me. Anyway, I think the main difference between my breakups between and Allison and Kira compared to Stiles is that when my relationships failed with each other girls, I still had Stiles. He was there to comfort me and pull me through those tough situations. I took it for granted back then, but now I realize how lucky I really was. I guess I never really thought that I would lose Stiles. So, when Stiles told me he didn't love me anymore... I didn't have someone to comfort me. More specifically, I didn't have Stiles there to comfort me. I think that is why this is so much more painful than my other heartbreaks. I also think it is because Stiles was my true love, my soul mate. I loved Allison and Kira a lot, but they didn't have the exact same fiery spark that Stiles ignited inside of me every time we touched. I don't think anyone else will be able to even come close of having that same sort of spark with me. Honestly? This whole mess makes me want to give up on relationships. Every single person that I have loved have all left me with a broken heart. All of four of those relationships, even though they seemed perfect, failed horribly in some way or another. I don't want to love again, because I'm almost certain that it'll turn out just like the rest of my ruined relationships. I also don't think I'll fall in love again because I'm still in love with Stiles and I think I always will be, no matter whether I want to or not. Ugh, this whole thing fucking sucks. It's not fair. I just wish I knew where I went wrong.

My mind wanders back to when I first started dating Stiles. It was so amazing, magical, new and nerve wracking. My heart leaped every time I saw him. It still does. I think it always will. I remember that Stiles and I were very nervous when we both started dating and we weren't quite sure of each other's boundaries, but we became aware of those overtime. Our relationship continued to grow and I found ways to love him even more than I did before, which is quite the achievement, since I didn't think that I could love Stiles more than I already did. I love everything about him, everything from the cute little moles on  the side of his face and neck and up to his sarcastic, sometimes hyperactive, kind, caring, loving, loyal and brave personality. I don't know why it took me so long to realize that I was in love with Stiles. I especially don't know why it took me to date a hybrid siren/mermaid creature to realize that I was in love with Stiles. I can understand why everyone was so frustrated with me. Stiles had forgiven me for every wrong that I did to him, which I was very surprised, but grateful for. But now... Maybe he didn't really forgive me? Or did he realize that he shouldn't have forgiven me? The latter sounds more likely.