101 Ways to Ask Lily Evans Out

#29

"Evans, I think I know why your knickers are always in a twist," Sirius whispered.

Lily raised an eyebrow and set down her quill, "Oh, how so?"

"You're not getting laid." Lily opened her mouth to retort but Sirius silenced her. He walked happily around her and scooted her chair towards the center of the Common Room. "Welcome Owls and Ladies, and Lad...!" Lily stared at the row of owls which she recognized to be the Marauders pets, and Remus who looked sorrowful and Marlene and Alice who were having the time of their lives. The lights switched off and a spotlight appeared on Lily and Sirius." Today on 'Who's Getting Laid?', is Hogwarts's very own, Lily Evans! And I'm your host, Padfoot!" 

"Now, Lily is a very pretty lady looking for a man. Today we have three great contestants. First up, is Dave Creevy!" The room was still dark the only spotlight on Sirius and Lily. "Peter..." A new light appeared showing the boy barley Lily's height with curly blonde hair. "Hi Dave, how're you feeling tonight?"

He placed his microphone in front of Dave. "I'm feeling -"

"Nobody cares. Next up, is Baggo Custard!" A second spotlight appeared to a chair holding a large garbage bag filled with custard and a smiley face drawn poorly on. "Low budget," Sirius whispered to Lily. She snickered, and leaned back in her chair. "Okay, Baggo, do you think you'll win tonight?" He held the microphone to the bag and smiled, "You do? Very confident, he might be out leading man! Alright, next up, and our last contestant. Drum roll please?"

Marlene and Alice stomped their feet and patted their laps.

"JAMES POTTER!" A third light appeared but it was empty. "Peter!" Sirius exclaimed. 

"Sorry!" came a cry. The light moved over to the right and James appeared in his robes.

"Better. Now, James, you've got some tough competition, how do you feel?"

"Pretty good Padfoot, I'm just glad the Giant Squid isn't here because I'm sure none of us could compete." Lily smirked. "Hi Lily."

"Alright we're gonna three questions and afterwards, Lily, you pick WHO'S GETTING YOU LAID! First question lads, is where would you take your lady to do the deed? Dave?"

"Er - maybe my dorm."

"Interesting...and you would kick out all your other roommates?"

"Y-Yes?"

"Seems unsure...Baggo?" Sirius leaned in close and nodded a few times "uh-huh"ing. "He says he would in the kitchens! Very kinky...you dirty bag. James?"

"You know, probably somewhere nice like the Room of Requirements..."

"Romantic. Next question! What base will you hit? Dave?"

His face turned bright red and he wiped the sweat off his hands onto his trousers, "Uhhh, second?"

"Interesting...Baggo?" He waited a moment. "Home run or Grand Slam? Wow, Baggo must know his stuff! Alright, James?"

"You know, whatever the lady wants and whatever makes her feel the best, Padfoot."

"Said like a true gentleman...Okay final question! Would this be a one night stand? Dave?"

"Um...I dunno. I'm a virgin still."

"That's rough...and you didn't answer the question,but okay. Baggo? Ooh! Really? He says yes and that he has other ladies he needs to tend to. He sure gets around the kitchen. James?"

"Definitely not!"

"Atta boy Prongsy!" Sirius went back to stand by Lily and took of her silencing charm. "Okay Lily, will it be the Virgin? The Kinky Bag? Or the Ever-So-Charming James Potter?"

Lily rolled her eyes, "I think I'd rather never have sex again."

"Ouch...sorry lads. This flower isn't looking to bloom anytime soon. See us next time on...'Who's Getting Laid?' featuring Moony!" Remus's face looked of pure horror while the spotlight shown on him. "Peter, the lights!" In a second, the room went dark again and when they came back on, the Marauder and their owls were gone.