Life is Stranger

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

"Thanks David. I really appreciate this."

"It's not a problem Max. If you ever need me just call. I'll drop everything and be there as soon as I can."

"You are so awesome."

"Well, I don't get called that very often, especially by a certain someone we know with blue hair. Thank you Max. I'll be off campus for a while as I have to help with the plans for tonight too, but I shouldn't be too long. Joyce gave me quite a list this morning before I left the house."

"I can imagine. What exactly are they planning?"

"You think I'm going to tell you? Nossir! All I will say is that Chloe has put far more effort and dedication into this than she has into anything since I've known her. She obviously thinks very highly of you."

"Yeah, we've always been very close. I just hope that I don't mess things up for her. I'm really nervous."

"I can sort of understand that, but from what I've already seen of you and Chloe the butterflies will soon fly away. I've never seen two people so incredibly connected as you and her clearly are. So relax. Everything will be just fine."

"Thanks David. I'll see you later."

"Bye Max. Remember, call if you need anything."

"I will. Bye."

As she opened her door Max noticed several notes and the flash drive on the floor. 'Jesus, what is it with him? How freakin' many? Damn he really must be totally infatuated with me. Man he is going to crash and burn so hard. But what can I do? I don't feel anything for him. It's not fair to leave him hanging and give him false hope, but I don't think I can bear to look at his face when I shoot him down in flames. Why does he like me so much? What the hell do people see in me, anyway? I'm not even pretty. Chloe obviously thinks I am, but as they say - love is blind.'

Max tossed the notes in the trash and placed the drive on her desk before turning on some music and lounging on top of her bed. "Hey Captain. C'mere you. Mommy needs a snuggle." Her thoughts turned to what was going to happen later on. 'Am I supposed to be this anxious? Does everyone feel this way when they're about to lose their virginity? Is love always like this? I feel exhilarated and petrified all at once. What if I screw things up? I want my first time to be super awesome, and especially since it's going to be with Chloe, but I'm so uptight I'm sure I'm going to ruin everything. Maybe I'm taking things too fast. But I want this so bad. Every time I look at Chloe I feel all warm and tingly everywhere. And I mean absolutely everywhere. Just being near her makes all my senses scream at me. I now understand the true meaning of the unbearable lightness of being – I am experiencing it. This is simultaneously both heavenly and hellish. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is what I want, but I'm just so scared. Why? I'm so in love with her it hurts. I want to be with her right now. I miss her so freakin' much and I only saw her about an hour ago. How in the hell did I cope with five years of this? It's simply awful.'

"At least you don't have any of these beautiful problems, hey Captain?"

'Am I in such a confused mess because I'm a lesbian? Or would it be just the same if I liked boys? Is it because it's Chloe? I think that's a lot to do with it – I don't want to be a disappointment to her. Of all the people in the world she's the one person I never want to hurt in any way. I couldn't give a rat's ass about what anyone thinks of me – anyone except Chloe. I want to live up to how she sees me. And then there's Rachel. There is no way I'm going to be as good in bed as Rachel was. How can I possibly compete with that? She's far prettier and sexier than me. For fuck sake Max you're putting yourself under so much goddamn pressure. Stop it – you have a mother for that. But I know absolutely nothing about sex. What the hell am I going to do? What will I do with my hands? Where do I put them? Will she expect me to touch her? Shitballs! Oh my god I'm going to be completely naked in front of Chloe! She's going to see my horrible, stick-thin body. And my breasts! If you could even call them breasts, as ridiculously tiny as they are. My damn ugly freckles. Chloe's going to see every single bit of me. And she's going to touch me. All over everywhere. Fuckfuckfuck! This is so hardcore. What am I supposed to do – just lay there as stiff as a board because I'm having kittens? How is she going to enjoy it? How am I? If I'm this tense now how bad am I going to be tonight? I'm going to let her down. I know it. I should probably call her and tell her that I want to postpone. I can't go through with this. But I want to. I want to love Chloe more than anything. I can't wait any longer. The more I think about it the more I'm going to get myself into a state. Damn! I'm going utterly schizo!'

There was a soft knocking at her door.

"Who is it?"

"It's...er...Warren."

"Simply fucking wonderful! Just exactly what I need right now." Max muttered under her breath.

"Just a minute." Max opened the door slightly, but not so wide as to let him see too much of her room – she didn't want him to see where his notes had ended up.

"Wow! Good song. I'm into Gonzalez too. We like the same sort of music. That's so cool."

"Er. Yeah. Look Warren, I'm real busy. Is there something I can do for you?"

"It's...um...pretty personal. Can I...talk with you inside?"

"I'm sorry, but I'd rather you didn't. It's not that I don't trust you or anything, but I was attacked on my very first day of lessons here. I'm not overly trusting when it comes to boys from Blackwell at the moment. I hope you understand."

"Sure. I was just wondering if you've had chance to read any of the notes I left here for you."

"No. Not yet. I haven't been in long and as I said I'm a little snowed under."

"No worries. Erm...I'm going Tenpin bowling tonight with a couple of friends - Daniel and Alyssa. Do you know them?"

"Not really. I hardly know anyone here yet."

"They're really nice. I'm sure you'd like them – you seem nice too. But I don't want to feel like a third wheel so I was wondering if you wanted to tag along with us."

"I would love to meet them, but I've already made plans to meet up with my friend tonight. Sorry."

"Oh...wait. Of course. You could bring your friend along too – the more the merrier."

"Um..."

"What's the problem? Am I being too pushy? It's just that you've been away for quite a while and...I sorta like you. We don't have to treat it as a date. Just friends hanging out. I'd like to get to know you better, that's all."

"Er...actually I'm already going on a date tonight."

"I thought you said you were going out with a friend."

"Erm...yeah I am. But it's kinda a date too. Besides I don't really think bowling is her kind of thing, you know? Sh..." Max realised with utter horror what she had just said out loud. She could feel an instant intense blush overtake her.

"Okay. I see. Well thanks for letting me know anyway. I'm sorry to have bothered you. I hope you and your...friend have a great time. See you around Max."

"Thanks. I hope you have a good night as well. Bye." Max closed the door and collapsed face-first on to her bed. "Shitshitshit! Maxine Caulfield you are a complete and utter doofus!"