Life is Stranger

I Want to Die

"Chloe, you have a visitor."

"Who?"

"I don't know. Some girl."

"Okay. Coming. Just a minute."

Chloe grabbed the pile of flyers from the printer and stacked them on the shelf. 'Nearly a hundred. Cool. Now let's go see who Stepdouche is trying to set me up with now. I'm sick of him trying to pick my friends for me - the ones he thinks are suitable. I swear he thinks I'm one of his recruits. Asshole.'

She swaggered down the stairs, but at the sight of her visitor she stopped dead. It wasn't one of David's 'They'll be good for you.' arrangements.

"What in the fuck do you want?"

"Chloe, watch your mouth."

"Or what? You're not my father. Mind your own goddamn business."

"Chloe, I'm just trying to help you, that's all. Please. I don't want to fight."

"I never asked for your help, now leave me the hell alone."

David Madsen retreated to the garage, shaking his head. He knew he was hard on Chloe, but he really wanted to help her. He did care deeply for her, but she would never accept that, he knew. He wasn't William. Joyce had managed to move on, but Chloe was still firmly stuck in the past, always wishing for people she couldn't have. As long as she was unable to recover what had been torn from her, she would remain angry. At him. At Joyce. At the world. He knew he had his own issues (which weren't helping, nosir) but he was working on them. Joyce and Chloe were his world. He would never give in.

"Chloe, I'm so sorr..."

"Get the fuck off of my doorstep! You've got hella nerve showing up here now."

"Please, Chloe, I just want to..."

The taller girl rapidly lunged forward, her face now nearly touching that of the visitor. The feral snarl was barely audible. "Go. Now. You and me are done. Don't ever fucking come back here. Stay the fuck away from me. I hate you."

Chloe tried to restrain it, but she was visibly shaking, pure boiling anger taking over her entire being. The smaller girl backed away, totally silent. She looked at Chloe for a second, then turned and walked away, clearly dejected. Chloe began to head back inside, but cut back to her truck instead. She was in no mood for Stepdouche now. She roared past the girl with complete disregard for her, or anything else. She could barely see. Her heart was pounding, red tendrils of rage pulsing into her vision. Tears of fury were also welling up in her eyes. But she knew exactly where she was going - her 'home away from hell'.

She arrived at the junkyard in a billow of black smoke and acrid dust, leaving the vehicle as it was still moving, letting it run to a stop in the vegetation. Frankly, she wouldn't have cared if it fell off a cliff. She flopped down in the hut, cigarette already lit. She produced a beer from inside her jacket and drank slowly. The tremors gradually subsided. A single tear slipped from her sky-blue eyes occasionally.

'Max fucking Caulfield! I can't believe she actually just turned up like that, as if no time had passed. What was she thinking? That I'd run to her and give her a great big hug? No fucking way!' She had really wanted to hit her, five years of pain and misery all packed into a single punch. Chloe had no idea why she hadn't. Max certainly deserved it.

'Why didn't she stay in touch with me? What did I ever do to her? When I needed her more than ever, she abandoned me. I would never have done that to her. We were BFF's, for fuck sake. Or so I thought. Fuck her. Fuck everything!'

She looked around her hut, surrounded by memories of Rachel. The tears came faster. 'My dad, Max, Rachel. They've all deserted me. I can't cope on my own. I have no one. I'm all alone.' The universe was mercilessly mocking her. Now it was teasing her with Max, dangling the brown-haired girl in front of her, as if to say 'Here she is. Look how cute she is. How beautiful. How adorable. She's your best friend. She broke your heart. She's here to break it again. Go on, please let her, we could do with another laugh.'

'Screw you world. I'm sick of playing your game. I can't do it any more. I'm not doing it.' The inevitable sobs came, sudden and violent. The pain in her chest became intense, but she couldn't stop. It was nothing compared to the emotional agony. Her life was black. No light at all, or hope of any in the future. Eventually she just sat there in silence, staring at the sign she had written last week - 'I WANT TO DIE'.

She didn't want to be here. Rachel was everywhere. Except that she wasn't here. 'I'm somewhere, you're somewhere. I'm nowhere, you're nowhere.' That song broke Chloe every time. It just about summed up her miserable life. She got up before the sobs started again, and reversed the truck as fast as the aged vehicle could manage.

The lighthouse shone bright white in the morning sun. The clouds behind it gave it the appearance of an angel. How ironic. The only angels Chloe had ever known had bought her nothing but heartache. Chloe rolled a joint in the driver seat, then headed slowly up the path, the truck door still ajar and the keys left in the ignition. She could hear the birds twittering in the trees around her. It was so tranquil here. The birdsong usually soothed her, but not today.

Chloe plopped down on the bench and lit the joint. Her grimace slowly faded as the warmth coursed through her, but she looked far from happy. Her eyes were dead. Completely unreadable. 'We used to have picnics here after the tourists had left for the year. Mom panicking any time Max or me went within a mile of the cliff edge. Dad burning his fingers on the barbecue and letting slip a curse. "That's a dollar for the swear jar." SuperMax and Cap'n Chloe, the Pirates of Arcadia Bay.'

The surf pounded on the rocks below, the sound mixing with that of the forest behind. She could see down to the beach near the town, and the whales laying there. 'Those beached whales look so sad. I kind of know how they feel.' Chloe loved this spot more than any other. That is why she chose it today. There could be nowhere else. She remembered the day her dad caught the two of them climbing on the roof of the nearby hut. 'He tried to give us a timeout, and I just laughed at him...I miss you so much Dad. I love you.' But he was gone. Forever. So was Max. They were on the other side of a locked door, and Chloe did not have the key. She was utterly unaware of the doe watching her from amongst the trees. Chloe finished her joint, let it drop to the ground, arose from the bench, sprinted forward...and jumped.