Let's Recelebrate (a Joshler story) (Celebrate ALTERNATE version)

⭒ CXII ⭒

"I love you so much", Tyler's voice cracked. "Fuck, this is... this is not gonna go how I thought it was gonna go at all", he said, a tear escaping. Steve frowned softly. "What do you mean baby?" He asked, searching Tyler's eyes for something, anything that would tell him what he meant, but he found nothing. Just two broken, hurt filled eyes looking back at him.

"I..." Tyler tried, and he sighed as he rested his head against Steve's chest. He tried to take deep breaths, to calm his mind.

Somehow, for some reason, as soon as he'd looked at Steve, everything just came back. All the fears, the anxiety around Steve being around people without Tyler, the worries about him not looking out for himself well enough; the hurting he did to Steve by not allowing him his freedom. The fear of Steve getting drugged again, the fear of him dying. It all came back, everything that Tyler thought he'd worked through and processed, everything he thought he could handle and hold on to, it was all gone.

"I- I was gonna come here and we were gonna talk it all out, right?" Tyler asked as he looked back up at Steve, some tears rolling down his cheeks. "Yeah... Ty, you're scaring me", Steve softly said. Tyler wiped some of his tears away, sniffling. "I'm scaring me too", he whispered.

He tried to take a deep breath, but it was shaky. "I- I think we..." Tyler trailed. He breathed out, closing his eyes; he wanted to calm down. Nothing was helping.

"I think we- we need... a break", Tyler's voice cracked as he spoke the words. "We- we need... space."

Tyler saw Steve's heart break right in front of him. "...w-what?" Steve whispered. Tyler already couldn't stop crying, even more now that he saw Steve's teary eyes.

"Oh baby, fuck", Tyler sniffled. "I love you so fucking much", he told him. "Then why- why are you- are you saying that?" Steve asked, a tear escaping for him now, too. "Because I thought I worked through it but I didn't, baby", Tyler sniffled. "I didn't. I was gonna come here and tell you how well I did and how I worked through it and how we can move forward happily and healthily together but- but it- I'd be lying to you baby", Tyler cried.

"As soon as I saw you, just right now, I knew. I failed, baby, I fucking failed. I can't bear the thought of you going out without me being there to look after you. I can't handle the thought of not knowing where you are or with whom, I can't fucking do it, I can't do it", Tyler cried. "I hate myself so much baby, 'cause I'm hurting you so badly by doing this. I'm isolating you and I don't want to but I am. It hurts so much to admit that 'cause I don't wanna be your toxic partner that hurt you and isolated you and tried to control you. I do not want to do that to you and I do not want to be like that", he continued.

"But right now, that is exactly who I am and if I don't say this right now then I won't have the guts to say it later and I'll keep choosing for myself, selfishly. I'll keep choosing what's best for me but I need to choose what's best for you."

"I love you. I love everything about you. I love the way you smile, the way your voice sounds, the way you dress and the way your fingers move as you play guitar. I love how you stand up for me and you won't let anyone fuck me over. I love how you're with Lucas, and my friends, and yours. I love how you love your family and how they love you, I love watching you make dinner and I love cuddling you and smoking with you and sleeping next to you and making love to you and kissing you. I love watching you undress and I love watching you when I make you feel good and I'm so addicted to you and I love you so much that I don't ever wanna lose you and I get selfish. I do everything I can to keep you with me in every way possible and I'm only doing what I think is best for me and not what's best for you. I can't treat you like that, baby. I can't do that", Tyler cried.