The Sun and The Moon (south park stanxkyle)

I'm scared I'm gonna die as lonely as I feel right now

TW: Thoughts/ past contemplation of suicide.

(nothing detailed or extreme, just mentioned)

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Our afternoon had been almost completely consumed, the hours melted away with each episode of the show Cartman had put on his TV. Time seemed to go on slowly, and I felt drained. Almost dying has a habit of taking a lot out of you. Kyle was right smoking was making it worse, I had noticed that over the years as I began to go threw more and more smokes on a regular basis. I had been dealt a shitty hand in life with my shitty lungs but why not exploit that? So with no regard for that contained on with the habit. I had picked up the habit briefly in elementary school but only started to keep it around the time I was thirteen. I didn't have any intentions of stopping even if it killed me. I looked at Kyle and mulled over the question in my head, would it really be that bad if my self-destructive behaviors were what did me in? It wasn't like this was my first time ever thinking about it.

I used to think about it a lot and maybe that's why I was like this. I didn't like to plan ahead for my future, I honestly didn't see myself having one. I couldn't picture myself growing up or being around for long. The chats about colleges and careers just overwhelmed me filling me with dread that I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't even know if I would be here, I could barely get threw now how was I supposed to know how I wanted the next five years of my life to go? I would start to think and the thinking would lead me to questions I didn't want to answer but would take up a large part of my mind anyway like; would the world be better without me? would my parents be happier without me holding them together like a piece of scotch tape? Is that what I wanted? To disappear into the inky blackness, the numbness taking over my body as I drifted away forever?

Instead of thinking about it much further than that, not wanting to explore those dark cascades afraid of where they may lead me, I drank. When I drank it was like I could turn them all off, letting the lowly buzz of alcohol take me away from the scary shadows that made up my darkest thoughts. The warmth of whatever drink I had would carry me away almost like I was floating down a river of pure bliss. I used to not mind the idea of dying, nothing intentional but I would be upset if I died in a car accident or got stabbed by a homeless guy, or even drank myself to death. I almost welcomed the idea but now? I looked at Kyle, my bright shining Kyle, and the idea of leaving the world with him still in it hurt. He was a bright ray of sunshine and I needed him close he helped fend off the horrible stuff I drank to get away from and I couldn't leave him. I still didn't want to think of knocking smoking but at least cut down on it to appease him and lengthen my life span, something I had never considered at any other point.

I was staring at Kyle and if he noticed he didn't say anything or let on any sign that he did and I took him all in. He was still on edge his body tense and radiating an anxious aura. His brow was slightly furrowed, eyes shifting back and forth unable to focus on anything, his cuticles and fingers tips were red-stained with blood. His phone would vibrate and he would flinch a pang of horror washed over him for a brief second before he regained his composure. It was so brief I think I'm the only one in the world who could really see it.

"Okay I know we've all seen this show enough times to have it memorized, but like I'm still routing for Gwen to win," Cartman sighed out with disappointment knowing that wouldn't be the outcome. Throughout the day, we had all moved around the room various times to various positions leading Kenny and Cartman to now be sitting cross-legged in front of the tv while Kyle and I lay on our stomached next to each other propped up on our elbows in between each other. Butters was lazily sprawled out on the couch, no matter where we moved Kyle was always right by my side seeking out my touch after each disturbance from his phone.