Let's Recelebrate (a Joshler story) (Celebrate ALTERNATE version)

⭒ LXXIV ⭒

"...didn't see it coming. Not even a little bit", he said. He swallowed difficultly.

"It was probably the hardest thing I ever went through. The person who I thought would never leave me, the one I was convinced would always love me, care for me, support me, be by my side; that person broke up with me. I always thought love wasn't for me, Lucas changed that, and then shattered my heart and I exploded", Tyler said softly.

"Begged him, I begged so much. I just needed him back but he wasn't coming back; he didn't come back. When I realized that, I started drowning myself in booze, to ease the pain. I got angry at him, at myself, at everyone around us. I was really angry at myself. I ruined my life, I felt like, 'cause I thought that the love of my life had abandoned me and dumped me and it was so hard. After everything we went through, after everything he helped me through, after he convinced me that I was able and deserving of love, I had to let him go, and I didn't see it coming at all", Tyler said softly.

"I started smashing things. Vases, glasses, bottles of alcohol once I finished them; anything breakable nearby. Because I was just so angry at myself for letting him leave, letting him get away, for mistreating him, and I was angry at him for abandoning me, not fighting harder for our relationship, not changing himself just so he could be with me while I was the one who should've made sacrifices for him. And I just... didn't care about my body, about myself, anymore. I... gave up. I felt like I deserved the pain for ruining the only person that ever loved every part of me. The only person that was ever as incredible to me as Lucas was. I destroyed it and I just didn't care that the glass shards were on the ground. I told myself that I deserved the pain of the shards digging into the soles of my feet because I ruined the best part and best person in my life", Tyler said.

"Booze makes you numb. Last week, we got drunk, the three of us. Never had a hangover as bad as that one", Tyler chuckled. "And I said that to both of them, too. But I... I didn't even realize that that wasn't true; I just... I hardly remember them", Tyler said. "I was so drunk, after Lucas left, that I can now hardly even remember my hangovers that I had back then. I just drank more booze to cover the hangovers up. That whole period in time is a blur, with clear moments mixed in. Eventually, Lucas was worried, he gave my house key to my friends so they could check up on me, they found me, detoxed me and patched my body and especially my feet back up", he said.

"Lucas had given the house key back when he broke up with me, but I asked him to come back to talk a day later, and he took the house key back because he was afraid I was gonna do something dangerous. Turns out he was right", Tyler said. "If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have opened the door. Probably wouldn't have even been able to open it even if I had wanted to. They probably would've had to break down my door", he said with a soft laugh. He took a long drag from his cigarette.

"It was all too much", Tyler said, the smoke leaving his lips as he talked. "Everything that happened, plus Lucas leaving me... It was too much. I gave up, for a while. Really, I really gave up", he said. "If it wasn't for Lucas still caring for me, and my friends patching me up, I don't know what would've happened but it wouldn't have been good. I'm... thankful, to all of them. They saved my life, in a way. Wasn't sure if I should be happy about that for a while, but now... Now I am", he nodded softly. "...I think."

"Self-sabotage is a sweet romance, Joshua", Tyler spoke. "Sounds like song lyrics", Josh replied. Tyler smiled softly. "Maybe one day. I'll make a mental note", he said.

"Y'know what's weird?" Tyler then said. "I thought Lucas didn't love me anymore, when he left me. He even said that he didn't love me the way he used to, when he did that. It was a lie, that he didn't even realize he was telling 'cause he believed it himself as well, but I really truly thought he was not in love with me anymore and that he didn't wanna fight for what we had. But... In retrospect, it's... the opposite. It's still weird for me to say 'cause I just- it's- I don't know. It doesn't feel like I should feel this way, but... In retrospect, Lucas loved me enough to break up with me", Tyler said.