ROADTRIP || ships and shit (oneshots)

ROADTRIP || Changes

|| Changes ||

This ones a little different. This is my own story, it's a letter to Roadtrip essentially.

This are all my messy feeling right now, I do not hate the boys, nor will I stop supporting them. But with everything, I need an outlet for my emotions.

These are my feelings in the moment and I'll get better and write more happier stories in the future. But for now we are going down on the rollercoaster of life.

THIS IS A MESS, so if something doesn't make sense, leave it. Please.

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~Breathe in~

~Breathe out~

Mmm, baby, I don't understand this, You're changing, I can't stand it.

There are many aspects of my life that I have control over, my future, my relationships and my love for you. But you are changing, I can see that you act different and portray yourselves differently. So many things have happened since I first found you. Relationships have ended in both my life and in yours. People have left us and new people have joined our journey.

I have no control over who comes and goes in our lives, and its killing me. It's killing the person I want to become and introduces someone I don't want to be.

From the beginning I have known that you would be a big part in my life, you would introduce new things to me, like no one has ever. You helped me with being a better person, someone who is able to not judge and let others live their lives. You have helped me to be brave and understand the true meaning of life. You have helped me understand the true meaning of kindness. You helped me with how to not be afraid to tell people my secrets. (Well some of them)

But what you haven't helped me with is changes. I hate change and I wish it wasn't something you have been accustomed with. Like I said before people come and go, and as much as you say that you aren't upset or say that 'life is life'. I can't help but feel like you are becoming different people. I hate this, I can't stand the drama, I cant stand that you would simply lie to me, to us. I want to believe that everything will ok, but my heart is breaking, seeing you become a group that don't tell us the truth. Even if suits stop you from doing so, you don't have to address it. It would of hurt less.

I know people change, but what if they change for the bad and not the good.

My heart can't take this damage, And the way I feel, can't stand it.

It doesn't feel real you know, as much as I have known you I shouldn't really be saying this. People have known you longer and they seem fine. But why do I feel this way? Why does it hurt to see once close people fall a part? I hope you stay as a four, because I feel as if there will be more damage to everyone's hearts, if a stranger took his place. I understood the previous guy, but if it's someone we don't know. It will hurt more. The one that left was unique, he helped us understand to be brave and courageous. He helped us understand what music really meant.

And even if he's still going to do that, it won't be the same, to me at least.

My heart hurts knowing he's happy without you. But I do understand, I really do. You can't keep doing something that isn't making you happy. I have done something that I hadn't enjoyed and it nearly destroyed me. Changing something is a huge decision. Why do I feel this way? I don't know, I guess I'm going crazy, insane or maybe I'm just hurting.

Girl, you're making it hard for me (x6)

You keep going on as if nothing has happened, like the biggest thing hasn't just hurt us. He told us you have been thinking about it for months and that you are ok with the decision, but you have to consider us. You have to know that it'll take us longer to understand that he wasn't happy with you. We have to understand that he needs to move on. That we need to move on.

I don't think you understand. And that's why you introduce new people and happy content. It's like your mocking us, but I know you're not. God I hate this! Why is it so hard for me to let you go? You did this! But soon I will get better, whether or not I will realise it, I will get better and laugh at your videos and be proud of the new changes.

But for now it's too hard for me, your making it too hard to move on. I need time.

Mmm, baby, I don't understand this, You're changing, I can't stand it

I don't understand these feelings, but I'm only seventeen. I have my whole life to understand that this is just a chapter in my book of life. You are changing, whether you admit it or not, you are changing, I don't know if its a good change or a bad one. I don't understand why you won't give us time? But yet again its something I can't control.

My heart can't take this damage, And the way I feel, can't stand it

I think since I found you I have realized that I need to take care of myself, and doing so I introduced thoughts and feeling into my head that I didn't know I had. The way that I feel is weird, it hurts but I understand why it does.

I hate change, and even though I felt the same way after the first guy left, I feel it a lot more now because I understand what it feels like for people to leave. For people I felt a connection to, even if I hadn't met them yet. I'm not saying that I didn't feel a connection with him, but this time I just...

I don't know anymore. This is a mess, I need to talk to someone but I'm scared.

I'm so fucking scared.

I just hate change!

~Screams~

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I'm not looking for pity or anything of sort, this is simply a way to let everything out.

I'll probably delete this soon anyway.

I cant even be bothered to sign out.