Warning: Most of it would be in a first-person perspective!
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After what happened that day in the library, I never got a single message from him, let alone phone calls from him. Since then I had been asking myself, if I didn't say anything like that, and just nodded to his invitation to dinner, would the outcome be the same; would he stay with me, or would he leave?
But my initial actions told me that my heart didn't want him to be with me with his mind somewhere else. My selfishness might bring him and his family to an end, and that was what I least wanted. I was just a person who had no social status, who might also be considered lesser than dirt as I was tainted by many other men. Not to mention, I wouldn't be able to bear children for his family as I do not possess the right reproductive organs to bear one. Knowing that Soraru-san was the eldest son in the family, I knew he carried great responsibilities in giving his family a child or two to inherit Soraru-san's name and wealth. If I couldn't even give him something as simple as that, there was no way I would gain approval from any of his family members.
And Soraru-san wouldn't be able to grab hold of true happiness.
So from day till night, I constantly told myself that it was okay if Soraru-san gained happiness; that it was fine if I was the only one feeling all these negative feelings seeping into my skin and into my bones, constantly reminding me that I no longer have him by my side, that it was all for the better good.
"... This is all for the better good, huh?" I muttered to myself, laughing at myself mockingly. Saying things like "I'm fine" to deny the fact that I was not, pathetic, I know. But if I hadn't done this, I would break. I needed something to hold me together, like how glue pastes two pieces of paper together, I needed glue to keep my heart together, keeping it in a piece.
My feelings never mattered in the first place, ever since I started in the industry. It was fine, wasn't it? It was just the usual.
I slid the library door open, took a step in, and closed the door behind me before I made my way to the table I usually sat at. The table was situated all the way at the back of the room, one of the few spaces in public that I could actually relax at. I didn't normally study for my exams because it was unnecessary for me to do so, but I wanted to get my mind off of Soraru-san for even just a moment. And occupying my mind with something else seemed to be the right choice.
A senior walked pass me, and I immediately lowered my head, so that he couldn't see my face. When I thought he was away from me, the moment I lifted my head up, he came back, and bent down a little to have a good look at me. I quickly lifted my book up to cover my face. I might have looked really awful for someone to come back to take a second look at.
I cried every night, as I thought about how cold the bed was without him, how there wasn't anyone who would get me rice balls from the convenience shop for breakfast anymore, how I wouldn't be the one to have him, how he wouldn't be mine. Of course, I knew not only my eyes were swollen from it; my face was too, for some reasons.
"Are you okay?" the senior asked. I looked back at him in the eyes from behind my book, and carefully nodded. He smiled at me, and told me that there wasn't anything to be afraid of, giving me a pat or two on my head. He looked like a really nice guy, and he had a really gentle smile. He continued staring at me for a while, before he reached into his pocket, and fished out a piece of candy. "Here, take this,"
He picked up my hand, and placed the candy in my palm carefully then helped me close my palm to make sure I held onto it properly.
"A tiny bit of happiness," he patted me again, before he finally decided to leave. "I hope you feel better soon,"
I turned around to look at him, and then looked down at the candy in my palm. What a kind, senior, I thought. Wouldn't it have been better if I fell in love with someone like that instead of Soraru-san? I laughed wryly at the thought. No, it would be even better if I could fall in love with a person of the opposite gender as I should.
I put away the candy into my pocket, and headed for my favourite space in the library. And when the table finally came into view, I could see that someone was already there on my seat.
It was Soraru-san, the person I least wanted to see at the moment.
A book was placed in front of him, and he was fast asleep over it. His back rising and falling at a steady pace with each breath he took and let out. How long had it been since I saw him? I honestly did not know. Not seeing him a day felt like months, or even years, that was how severe it was to me to do the math.
I could feel all the emotions overflowing in me. Of course it would when it was over its capacity. I hated how I felt the relief in my body when I saw him, but at the same time felt sad that he was doing absolutely fine without me. It once again made me think that it was as though I was the only one who viewed this relationship heavily and seriously.
Why couldn't he just give my mind and my heart a break already? Just a teeny-tiny one would do, I just wanted to stop feeling as if I was always constantly out of breath. Why couldn't I get back my heart which once belonged to only me?
Even as I thought so, I moved and sat across him. I leaned in on the table, resting my head on top of one arm and hiding my face behind the other. I stared at him, taking in the sight of him since it had been a while. This was the man who took my heart away. One part of me wanted it back, but the effort seemed to be futile; the other part of me wanted him to keep it, but that would only bring me pain and sorrow.
"You really are a sly and dangerous man. Did you know that, Soraru-san?" I whispered quietly to him, still staring at Soraru-san's face, memorising the way his jawline helped structure his face. He always looked really young in his sleep, and I dreamt that I would be the one to wake up to seeing that face of his when he was sleeping beside me. His eyelashes were still as long as I remembered last. As much as he looked like he was stone-hard on the outside, he had really soft cheeks. Was that even related? No, pretty sure it wasn't, but I just wanted to say that he was a person close to perfection in my heart.
"This really is a cruel world, showing no mercy to the likes of me," I said scornfully at myself.
I tilted my head to the side so that I could take a better look at him. By changing the angle of my head, his lips came into vision, and I just sat there and stared for a while, mind blank. Those were not mine anymore. I now no longer held the privilege to be loved by him, and I should really just seal these feelings of mine away, and forget about him.
But I wondered why could it be so hard to do so.
"I love you, Soraru-san," I said quietly, hearing my voice break a little. I was glad Soraru-san was asleep at this moment, or else I would be having a hard time trying to give him an explanation. I bit on my bottom lip, hard enough to draw some blood, tasting the raw taste of iron in my mouth as I did. I took in a deep breath, let it out then took another before I said, again. "I love you so much, Soraru-san,"
These feelings I had towards him were too precious for me to put aside, to abandon. Like any other romance novel you could find in the bookstore, female protagonists tend to tell themselves about how great would it be if they could easily forget, that it would be better for them if they never met in the first place. I would love to say that I felt the same as them but I didn't really think so from the bottom of my heart.
I knew somewhere in me, I was grateful we met, that he came to me for the first time, even though the first encounter was not at all the most romantic. If we didn't, who knew what would be of me? I might be lying dead on the streets already. Yes, I was terribly hurt and had been feeling like dirt since. I was confused. I didn't know where I should head to because Soraru-san was like the firefly that led me through the gnarly darkness all this while.
I reached out to touch his hair so, very gently, careful to not wake him up from his sweet slumber. He might have stayed up all night last night from the looks of those eye bags under his eyes. I moved to touch his hand, lightly tapping my fingertips on his, wanting to feel the warmth of his. But to my surprise, he caught my hand, and held it tightly in his hand. I instantly sat up from my seat, shocked.
Did I wake him up? That would be bad, I thought to myself, feeling the panic rise in me. I looked around frantically to see if anyone was near us. No, thank goodness. I quickly looked back at Soraru-san. In just mere seconds, I thought up of a few dumb explanations I could give if he demanded for one but it seemed like I didn't even need to do so.
He was still asleep.
So it was just him doing that in reflex? Geez, that really got me panicking. I let out the breath that was caught in my lungs, really, really slowly. Now that the coast was clear, I gradually relaxed, and held his hand back in return. And as I did so, he tightened his grip on my hand, not enough to hurt me though. He was gentle even in his sleep. I didn't really need another reason to love you right now, Soraru-san.
His thumb started rubbing on the back of my palm, gently, and then readjusting his hand so that he could hold mine in a firmer grip then the process repeated for a while. It made me wonder if he really was asleep, but it seemed like he was. This rubbing thing that he was currently doing to me? Soraru-san loved doing this back when we still spend a lot of time together. Every night, after sex, he'd pick my hand up, and rub the back of it with his thumb before he plants a kiss on it then he'd ask if he hurt me or did it feel good.
I could feel my eyes gradually warming up as I recollected my memories with him. I needed to leave, I thought. I picked up my bag, and tried to pull my hand out of him but what he said stopped me.
"... Mafumafu..." he called out in his sleep, holding onto me tighter this time.
No, do not give in, Mafumafu.
"... I love you," he mumbled.
And I broke into tears―
Why, Soraru-san? Why does it have to be now?
―Because it was the first time I heard him say that to me.
TBC