Warning: Most of it would be in a first-person perspective!
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I had always wanted to make him mine. My family gave me support even though it was a forbidden love. My close friends gave me encouragement even though it was not how nature should work. It made me wonder what do they actually thought about these feelings of mine.
I sat in my seat at the coffee shop I often go to, sipping onto my coffee carefully before I asked:
"Do you not find this unpleasant?"
My friend looked at me, a confused look on his face. He thought for a moment there, giving my question a little consideration before answering. He tilted his head to the right.
"What do you mean by 'unpleasant'?"
"Well, you know, unpleasant, a synonym to disgusting?"
I watched as he tilted his head to the other side.
"Which part of this is unpleasant?"
"Amatsuki-kun!" I said, a little louder than I should. I was getting a little impatient, though I really shouldn't because he was kind enough to listen to me talk about my problems, love problems. But it felt like he was making fun of my feelings, I couldn't help it. "I'm being serious here!"
"Calm down," he laughed, picking his cup of carbonated drink from the table, bringing it to his lips. Amatsuki-kun was staring at me all the while as he drank his coke, and when he started talking again, he sounded serious. "What do you think of this, Mafu-kun?"
"Wha- Why are you asking me when that was my question to you?"
"I wanted to hear your opinion about this,"
"But!"
I sat up in my chair.
"Mafu-kun,"
I looked down at my cup of coffee, not knowing what to say. My opinion about this? I had never talked to anyone about it since no one asked. When I first told Urata-san, all he said was "I'll be rooting for you," without further butting into my privacy. I looked back at Amatsuki-kun who was still waiting for me to say something.
"He..." I swallowed a lump that was stuck in my throat. I quickly took a sip from my cup before continuing. "You do know what I work part-time as, in order to support myself in terms of finance, right?" I asked, wanting to confirm with him first before I let my mouth run loose.
His eyes darkened for a second, but he nodded.
"... When he first came in as a customer, when I first saw him with my own eyes, my heart told me that he was dangerous,"
"Dangerous?"
"I don't know how to properly explain this, but it was a hunch. A bad hunch," I took in a deep breath. "Leaving his physical appearance aside; which I must say, is absolutely gorgeous, he... is a very kind and gentle man,"
He would carry the sleepy me into the bathroom after vigorous activities to clean up, making sure I was all clean and warmly tucked under the covers in bed after that. He would ask me for permission before doing something because he said he doesn't want to do something that I wouldn't like, and doesn't want to force it on me. He would ask me what I wanted for breakfast the next morning because he said I was too thin for my own good and that I shouldn't starve, and many other little things he did for me. Never had I have anyone treated me like this until he came by.
Then only did I know that we actually studied in the same university, and he was a senior of the Sound Engineering Department. I didn't want to approach him, and I doubted he wants the university to know he sleeps with a guy. I try my best to keep my distance, but I wanted to see him even during times when he doesn't come to my place to sleep. But I was careless this one time, and accidentally bumped into him in the corridor. I watched his eyes widened at the sight of me, and I thought for a moment that it was over.
But his tiny smile told me the opposite. He patted me on the head, ruffled my hair up a little before he walked away with his friend. I stood there, astonished, not knowing what just happened, except I could still feel the warmth of his hand on my head. Again, not very scientifically possible.
He was dangerous. Definitely not a man I should be with. But curiosity took over. I wanted to know how dangerous one man can be, and the results were terrifying. I usually pretended to feel good in front of the people who came looking for pleasure, but when I was with him, I tip over the edge countless of times and showed him the true me by accident. I begged for him to kiss me when it was a policy that I never kiss any of my customers, but I needed it like it was as important as breathing is to me. He obliged, and kissed me.
He took away my sanity, took away my first kiss, and took away my heart.
He was a dangerous man though I could never seem to distance myself from him.
"Amatsuki-kun, I just-" I shook my head, frowning at the thought. I shouldn't be feeling like this because I knew it wouldn't end well. For both of us, but especially me. "I can't help it,"
Amatsuki-kun gave me a wry smile. He put his hands over mine that were trembling. I didn't even realize I was this nervous. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out so he closed them back together. Amatsuki-kun gave my hands a firm squeeze then he finally said:
"We," he paused for a moment and looked at me, I was guessing he wanted me to remember what he was about to say. I nodded. "We don't get to choose who we love,"
I know.
"And you've been saying so much about him, both his good and bad," another wry smile from Amatsuki-kun as he continued with his sentence. "You love him a lot, don't you?"
I flinched at the question but there was no hesitation in my voice when I next opened my mouth.
"Yes," my voice trembled a little, but I was serious about this.
"Unconditionally, too, it seems," Amatsuki-kun let out a light chuckle. "Then what is there so unpleasant about this?"
"Ama-"
"It's beautiful," he quickly added, breaking me off. "The way you portray your love for him," Amatsuki-kun said, toying with the straw he left beside his cup. He apparently decided to not use the straw for no apparent reason today. I never understood why but okay.
I never thought he would put it that way.
"I don't see why you would find this unpleasant at all," he let out a low chuckle, still staring at his coke.
"That's because...!" I raised my volume, but then cleared my throat, calming my mind down. There was no need to get too rowdy with this. "... We're both guys... Wouldn't it feel disgusting to be thought as a romance interest by some of the same gender?"
"If you really do love him, I don't see why not," Amatsuki finally took his eyes away from his drink, and at me. "Unless you're telling me now that you don't,"
"Of course not!"
He smiled broadly at me, happy with my answer.
"And there you have it,"
Except his eyes were filled with sadness and sorrow that I couldn't understand back then.
-
"Well then, it's really good to see you again but I've got to go,"
Amatsuki-kun seemed to have a date with someone. I asked him who was it but he put a finger over his lips, and smiled apologetically. He told me he'd talk to me one day about that person once he settled down with him and apologized. I shook my head at him, telling him that it was fine, that I understood that some problems needed to be solved beforehand.
"You're a really good friend, did you know that?" he said to me. It was the nicest thing I have heard the entire day. And to think that he'd fully support my romance life, I was a very lucky person to have him as my friend. I didn't regret talking to him about at all.
After Amatsuki-kun left, I remained in my seat since I still hadn't finish my cup of coffee, and thought I should just take my time with it. But being alone in a café seemed awkward so I started fidgeting with my phone. I hated how I always opened me and Soraru-san's chat room the moment I unlocked my phone, a really bad habit of mine. I stared at his name, and the last message we exchanged was him telling me to eat my breakfast.
Geez, what is he, my boyfriend?
I blushed at the thought. Because in a sense, he is my... "partner". I buried my face into my scarf. Good thing I didn't take it off or I would have no place to hide. I couldn't bring myself to claim him as my "lover" or "boyfriend" and the word "partner" seemed the most appropriate out the choices I had.
"I had coffee with a friend just now," I typed on the touchscreen keyboard of my phone, half of my face still buried in my scarf, staring blankly at my phone after that as I waited for him to reply. He replied after a few seconds.
"With an empty stomach?" he asked.
Without thinking too much about the problem behind the question, I typed "yes" and then almost immediately, my ringtone went off. Shocked, I nearly dropped my phone into my cup, but managed to grab hold of it before it did.
It was Soraru-san, a call from Soraru-san.
"... Hello, Soraru-san?" I said the moment I tapped to receive the call.
"Mafumafu," Oh no, the chill running down my spine was not something I need right now. I could feel my face burning up even more than just now. With the speaker next to my ear, it felt like he was right next to me, whispering directly into my ear. Oh no.
"Wh-What is It, Soraru-san?" It was rare for him to call me. We would usually only exchange a few messages. I could even count the times he called me with five fingers, that was how rare for me to receive his calls.
He let out an exasperated sigh.
"How many times have I told you to not drink coffee with an empty stomach?"
I flinched at the question.
"Eh? Erm..." What was I doing? I should have said I grabbed a doughnut or something. "... Seven?"
"Yeah, you mean seventeen times," I could hear him groan over the phone. He sounded angry at me.
Oh yeah. It was the seventeenth time he told me to not drink coffee with an empty stomach this month.
"I'm sorry, Soraru-san..." I muttered an apology. I didn't want him to hate me just because I wasn't having my breakfast the right way. No, I had got to keep it in. Why was I even about to cry because of a cup of coffee with an empty stomach in the morning?
Right, because Soraru-san was mad at me. He was never mad at me.
"Mafumafu, are you crying?"
Dammit, Soraru-san. Why are you always like this?
"I'm not," I quickly wiped my tears away.
"You clearly sound like you are,"
"I'm not!"
He sighed again.
"I'm not mad at you,"
"... Really?"
"Mhmm,"
"Soraru-san is not mad?"
"For a fact, Soraru-san is not mad at you," he said, sounding a little more like himself, more like my Soraru-san. "I'm just upset at myself, that's all,"
But why would he be upset at himself when I was the one at wrong?
"So don't cry anymore, okay?"
I nodded even though I knew he couldn't see it, but almost as if he could, he chuckled lightly over the phone and said, "Good,"
I readjusted my scarf so that my face was properly hidden under it. I laughed, sniffling as I did. He asked if he said anything funny, and I only shook my head.
"Where are you? I'll come pick you up,"
"The coffee shop we were at the other day," I replied, smiling behind my scarf as I stirred my cup of already-cold coffee.
"Mm, then I'll grab you breakfast on my way there,"
You might be wondering, that I could have just grabbed a bagel from the coffee shop I was currently in if I really wanted breakfast.
"Since you don't really like the food there, do rice balls in the morning sound good to you? Or would you rather the new spaghetti buns they have in the convenience store?"
Ah, how could I ever escape from these feelings.
TBC
A/N: Soraru in a yukata? Anyone? Please? Let's talk about this?
Thank you for reading.