There was something wrong about Soraru. But he never told anyone about it.
Not even Mafumafu.
As each day passed, he knew he didn't have much time left. As an utaite, he records, mixes songs, and uploads them on the Internet. He gained a bit of fame, and what comes after fame is hate, and that never stopped him from being an utaite. But what was the use if he couldn't sing anymore?
It started out like a normal sore throat, and he didn't think of it as a really serious matter to consider, so he just took in some lozenges and antibiotics to soothe it. Though even after days had passed, his throat still hurt, and yet he still refused to look for professional help. And now he could barely hear himself.
Soraru might have brought it to himself, but who would have thought that a normal sore throat could be so deadly at that time? He always thought to himself, that if he went straight to the hospital the first day he got that sore throat, maybe, just maybe then he could help prevent things like these from happening. He didn't mind if he lost his career in life.
Because Soraru was more worried about him.
"Soraru-san, why are you so quiet?"
Soraru glanced over at him then looked back at his book almost immediately. Mafumafu came again today, but he didn't know what to say to him. Was that how it is though? He knew that it wasn't because if he had to correct himself, he couldn't.
When he knew about his sickness, he couldn't feel anything at all. Tears wouldn't fall from his eyes, and neither did he have negative thoughts about himself. All he had in mind after coming back from the hospital that day was "What would happen to Mafumafu?"
"Come to think of it, you weren't uploading at all recently. Is something a matter?"
Soraru only shook his head in response.
"Hey, Soraru-san, why wouldn't you talk to me?"
He always thought that he should at least tell him about his condition but he was afraid, afraid to see how Mafu would react to his announcement.
"Hey... Are you really okay...?"
No, he was not. He wanted to hug Mafu tight, and tell him the truth. Could he do it? There was only one way to find out. Soraru pulled Mafu to him, and then slowly pushed him down onto the couch. He heard Mafu yelp a little, it couldn't be helped since he would be surprised at this situation as well. Within only a matter of seconds, he felt Mafu wrap his arms around him.
"What is it with you lately, Soraru-san?" Mafu let out a chuckle. He kissed Soraru on the cheeks and then rubbed his face into Soraru's neck. Soraru only wished this moment could go on forever, but he knew it couldn't. Nothing seemed possible to him right now.
He pushed himself up a little so that he could see Mafu's face. Mafu was looking up at him with a tiny, shy smile on his face. And Soraru hated to break it to him, but he had to. His friend, companion, one-and-only lover, deserved to know everything. He took in a quick, sharp breath, and opened his mouth. He didn't have the confidence if he could still speak but all he could do was try.
"Mafu, I don't have much time left," It came out weak and hoarse, but audible. Soraru smiled wryly at Mafu, not wanting him to worry. So this was what became of his voice. He caressed Mafu's cheeks lovingly, letting out a sigh.
"Wh-What do you mean you don't have much time left? It's not April Fools, is it?" Mafu quickly picked up his phone to check the date. No, it wasn't the 1st of April. Once again, Soraru shook his head at him. He picked up Mafu's hand, and kissed the back of it gently.
"I'm going to have to leave you," keeping a smile on his face became slightly difficult after that. When Mafu's face was all scrunched up as he tried not to cry before interrogating him, Soraru could feel his heart clench tightly. It hurt so much to see him like this, and it reminded him that this was the reason why he didn't tell Mafu up until now.
Time was limited. There was no other choice. He had to tell him.
"... What happened to your voice...?" Mafu asked, his voice broke halfway through his sentence as he cupped both of Soraru's cheeks, gently stroking them with his thumbs.
"It happened a month ago when my throat felt funny. I thought it was just a cold, and ignored it. It was only last week I went to the hospital," Soraru coughed a bit, it was his first time talking for quite a long time since he went to the hospital, putting a little stress on his throat. He cleared his throat as Mafu stared at him with eyes filled with worry. "Do I really have to say this?"
"Yes,"
Soraru laughed, and then ended up choking on air, resulting in a coughing fit. Mafu tried to get up but Soraru pinned him back down properly. He forced Mafu to look at him as Mafu drew in a breath.
"I'm going to die, Mafumafu," he whispered and for the first time since so many years, tears fell from his eyes and dripped on Mafu's face, slowly rolling down his rosy pink cheeks, finally feeling the reality seeping into him. Soraru leaned in, burying his face into Mafu's neck. He let out a shaky breath. He repeated the sentence again and again until he felt Mafu clutch on his shirt with his fists, trembling under him.
"Please," he heard Mafu whispered. "Please don't say that anymore,"
He got off of Mafu, and shuffled his way to the kitchen. Mafu let him, and sat up after that, remaining silent all the while as Soraru went to make them drinks. He looked blank, as if things were crumbling around him and it was useless to try to fix them. It felt the same for Soraru back then too but it wasn't for himself. Things weren't as easy as he thought they were, and it led him here.
"... How long do you have left?"
Mafu finally talked to him. He was walking back to him with two mugs in his hands, one with coffee and the other with tea. He placed the cup of coffee on the table in front of Mafu, and took a sip from his cup.
"... One more week,"
He turned to look at him with brilliant red eyes, bewildered, disbelieved, terrified, all emotions mixed together into an ugly lump. And before he knew, Mafu finally let it all out. Soraru immediately sat beside him, trying to figure out how to comfort his precious lover here. Mafu climbed onto Soraru, sat on his lap and hugged him, forcing Soraru to put his cup down.
"Why didn't you say anything?!" Mafu yelled, punching Soraru lightly on his back, probably afraid that Soraru would break if he exerted too much strength. But Mafu, if it makes you feel better, I would let you hit me a thousand times until you're satisfied, was how Soraru thought. "You could have said something earlier before everything was too late! Why are you always like this?!"
"I'm sorry, Mafu, I didn't want to worry you-"
"Was I never a thing to you?! I deserve to worry for you because you're my Soraru-san! My-"
"I'm so sorry, Mafu... Don't get mad at me, please?"
"I'm not mad at you!" Mafu shouted at him, and then started wailing loudly. "... I'm just mad at myself for not noticing anything at all. Why can't I ever do good at something?"
"Don't, Mafu," His heart broke when Mafu put all the blame on himself. He didn't have to do this to himself, it was his own fault to begin with. Soraru restrained his sniffles as he patted Mafu's back.
"If only I left work alone, and come over to disturb you more often, things like this wouldn't have happened! I can't, Soraru-san!" Mafu shook his head, still putting all the faults on himself. He buried his face into the crane of Soraru's neck. Soraru could feel his clothes getting soaked from Mafu's tears. "I can't afford to lose you!"
"No, Mafu... It's not your fault," Soraru placed a hand over his head, smoothening Mafu's beige coloured hair, hoping that his touch could make him feel better. He remembered how Mafu always said that he feels more secured when Soraru pets him after all. "Please don't blame yourself anymore,"
"Soraru-san, you promised me that you would never leave me, that you would forever stay by my side, and love me," Mafu tightened his arms around Soraru, not willing to let go at all. "... I don't want you to go..."
"Mafu, I will always love you no matter what, that is a fact," Soraru pried Mafu's arms from him, and pushed him away at an arm's length so he could look at Mafu's face. He was already hiccupping uncontrollably with tears constantly streaming down his face Mafu let out a whimper when Soraru forced a smile at him. "I didn't tell you this to make you cry,"
He paused there, and waited for Mafu to catch his breath. He genuinely smiled at Mafu's effort in trying to regain his composure.
"Why didn't you receive treatment in the hospital?"
Soraru closed his eyes and snorted at himself. "It was too late,"
"It's never too late if you try!"
"Mafumafu, instead of wasting time on useless treatments, I want to use the time I have left with you," Soraru said, dropping a kiss on his lips. "You just have to be by my side, alright?"
Mafu shut his eyes, lowered his head, and shook it. It seemed he still couldn't accept the fact that he was going to leave him. Soraru couldn't blame him. If something like this was to happen to Mafu, which he never wanted any sorts of that, he would go crazy. He would do anything to get Mafu better. But when he already knew that there was no hope anymore, he realized that the only thing he ever wanted to do right now was to be together with Mafu.
"Listen to me, Mafumafu. If I have only this much time left, I want it to be used on you, I want to focus on you," Soraru lifted his face up, forcing Mafu to look at him. Soraru tried wiping his tears away for him, but each time he did, a new batch of tears came falling down. "Don't cry, Mafumafu, please,"
"No... Soraru-san, I don't want you to leave me... Please..."
All Soraru could do was smile back as a respond. He couldn't make any more promises to this young man here anymore. He was guilty that he couldn't keep his promises he made with him in the past, promises like 'Going on a honeymoon in Europe', 'Be together until their hair turned grey', 'Spending every birthday together,' and many other promises that were made throughout the time they spent together.
He leaned in carefully, and pressed his lips firmly on Mafu's. Without expecting anything, he was surprised that Mafu responded to it by sucking lightly on his lips. And when he thought about how he only had one week left to do things like this with Mafu, he would quickly stop himself from thinking to the negative. Because if he was so easily affected by this situation he's in, then he wouldn't be able to support Mafu until the end after all.
-
Each day felt like a dream. They went for dates on the first three days, with Mafu pulling Soraru everywhere around town, or maybe somewhere outstation so they could just relax in a random hot spring bath, and stay at a hotel there to get out from the busy city for once. The days they had together left was getting lesser and lesser, almost reaching the end, and so was Soraru's health. It had been deteriorating slowly, day by day. Mafu would see how Soraru's face became paler and paler every day. The Soraru who enjoyed having food, only ate a few bites from his plate, growing thinner as time continued ticking.
Until the fourth day, Soraru couldn't get out from bed anymore. And whenever Mafu would come into his room, he would always see Soraru looking out of his bedroom window, looking up at the sky, whether it was rainy or sunny, he just sat there and watched, always with a notebook and pen in his hands. He tried convincing Soraru to go to the hospital again after that, but Soraru just shook his head and held Mafu's hand in his.
"I don't need anything else but you,"
Who wouldn't cry after hearing something like that? Not Mafu, not yet. He only cries when Soraru was asleep or when he goes into the living room and sob into the pillows. It hurt, a lot when he got to know of Soraru's condition. One week? How was he supposed to accept the fact that he was going to lose him within such a short time?
Mafu continued staying by Soraru's side as he was told, not wanting to lose a single second with him either. Time became a really important thing to Mafu since a few days ago. Each and every hour, minute, second, they would only decrease, and never would they increase. He wasn't a religious person, but he prayed. He knew it would be useless to pray for the impossible, like not wanting Soraru to leave but he prayed for more time, more time to be with Soraru, and that was all he was asking for.
But even the Gods were playing with him because Soraru eventually started talking lesser because he was losing his voice, the low, gentle voice he loved so, so much; that voice that brought them both together. If it weren't for Soraru's voice, Mafu wouldn't have known of Soraru in the first place, and they would only be strangers. Mafu would always think 'No, anything but that, not Soraru-san's voice,' but he was powerless. In only a few days' time, Mafu had only thought about how things would be better if he could help carry some of Soraru's burden.
On the sixth day, Soraru called for Mafu from his room. Mafu quickly ran into the room, and saw Soraru smile at him. He patted on the seat Mafu had sat for days when he was by Soraru, indicating that he wanted Mafu close to him. Mafu went forward and held Soraru's cold, fragile hand, rubbing on it to give Soraru warmth.
Before Mafu could inquire what Soraru needed from him, he heard Soraru draw in a breath, and then a low, beautiful voice filled the air with its singing. It was weak, but it was still enough to shake the emotions in Mafu. Feeling everything in him tense up, he stared at Soraru, not believing what he was doing right now.
"... What do you think? I finally finished writing this song just now and I wanted you to be the first one to listen to it," Soraru smiled warmly at him. He picked up Mafu's hands, and kissed them like how he loves to. Soraru let out a weak chuckle after. "I'm not as good as you but I just wanted to write something for you before I leave,"
No, this was not he wanted to hear from Soraru. He didn't want to listen to anything related to him leaving him. He didn't think he was prepared for this at all. Soraru stared back at him with a confused smile on his face, asking him if something was up. Of course something was up, he was going to lose him so how was there nothing up?! He could feel the urge to cry again but he pushed it back down, not wanting to do it in front of Soraru.
But keeping emotions at bay from Soraru doesn't do anything, because Soraru was the only person who could see right through him. Whatever should he do if he were to leave him? Mafu reached out and touched Soraru's face, wanting to burn the shape of his face into his mind. Soraru held his hands again, stopping him from touching his face.
"You haven't tell me about your thoughts on that song,"
"... It's beautiful, Soraru-san. What is it called?"
Soraru smiled at him again. Ever since he told Mafu about his sickness, Soraru had been smiling a lot more than he used to. It always made Mafu wonder why when he was going to experience death really soon but he couldn't bring himself to ask. "You,"
Oh heavens, Mafu couldn't do this anymore. His tears came pouring out on reflex, no longer controllable. He wailed as he grabbed hold onto Soraru's hands, constantly telling him that he didn't want him to go, that he would go look for a way to save him. But Soraru just shook his head at him, and told him that it was too late.
"I knew it was no use for me anymore," he begun, a smile still plastered on his face. "... At least I used up all the time I have with you, right? Mafumafu, I'm a lucky man to have been able to know you. You are my biggest happiness in my life, even till the end of it. So please smile for me, I love watching you smile because when you do, it brightens up my world,"
Mafu only nodded, forcing himself to smile as tears still fell, wetting the bed sheets. He bet it was the ugliest smile he has ever made but Soraru said:
"I think this is the most beautiful smile I've ever seen from you, Mafumafu," he heard Soraru chuckle, patting his head like how Mafu liked. If he knew a time like this would come so soon, then he would have abandoned all work, and stuck with Soraru until the end of it. And tomorrow was the last day for the both of them to be together.
Soraru tilted his head up by the chin with his fingers, and kissed his eyes gently. And Mafu only closed his eyes and let Soraru shower him with love for one last time.
-
It was then the last day, and Soraru was finally brought to the hospital. Doctors said that it was too late because they didn't have the time to find out the cause of it, neither would it have worked for Soraru if he came by last week. Back in the patient's room, Mafu sat by Soraru again, holding his hand to his lips, kissing them to comfort Soraru. Except Soraru didn't really need it, it was pretty much just for Mafu. Mafu thought that Soraru would smile even until the end, but when Soraru knew it was time, he started sobbing with his arm over his eyes.
"I really don't want to leave you, Mafumafu," Soraru said after taking a deep breath. "I thought I would be satisfied after having you stay with me for a week, but humanity is ugly as always. I got greedy, I wanted more time, but I couldn't have any. I wonder whatever did I do wrong?" he laughed at himself mockingly.
Mafu didn't say anything but smile. Soraru pulled his hand out of Mafu's, and caressed Mafu's face, stroking his thumb on Mafu's cheek.
"Remember to eat and rest from work, I don't want you to work yourself to your bones. Remember to go outside and shower under the sunshine for vitamin D. Your mug is in the top left shelf, and the price of your favourite pudding increased by fifty yen so bring extras when you go get it at the convenience store," Mafu nodded at each and every one of Soraru's reminders as tears streamed down his face, but he did not forget to smile. Really, how could this man do so many things for him when he was already at death's door? As he thought, Soraru is an amazing individual. "There's one more thing I would like to tell you,"
"What is it, Soraru-san?"
"I didn't want to say it myself but I really needed you to know," said Soraru, his voice was so weak Mafu had to lean in to listen. "I want you to learn to love somebody else and stay as the happy you,"
Mafu pulled back, shaking his head vigorously as he strongly rejected to Soraru's request. This was the only thing he could never do.
"Please, Mafu. I hate imagining you loving someone else other than me, but I wanted someone to be with you so that you don't feel lonely or sad. So for the meantime, I got Amatsuki and Luz to stay with you after I'm gone-"
"... No,"
"Mafu-"
"I love you, Soraru-san, and it will only be you. It's you that I've fallen in love with. If I were a person who easily allows his feelings to get altered, I would have been long gone by now because I wouldn't want to suffer any of this pain of losing someone, but I'm still here," Mafu covered his face with his hands, hiding it from Soraru. "I'm still here because you are the most important person to me, I can't lose you..."
The last sentence came out as a whisper. He was not confident that he could keep his voice stable. Even trying to stay calm right now was impossible to him.
"Mafu, I love you, too. I really do, and that is why I wanted the best for you,"
"That's not the best for me! Soraru-san's the best for me!" What was he doing? It was their last day together and here they have a Mafu who was throwing tantrums, it was childish of him but he couldn't refrain at all. He hated this part of himself, and he hated the fact that he had to do it today.
"I will, always, love you," Soraru said each word with strong emotions, staring into Mafu's eyes, wanting his feelings to go through Mafu, and it did, it really did, it was just too hard for Mafu to let him go, that's all. "I didn't mean for you to forget me, but just go look for a new lover. I'm not good for you,"
"No-"
"This is going to be my last wish to you," a weak smile formed on his face, Soraru turned his head away, and stared out the window. "Good thing it's sunny today, a good day to go away for a long time, isn't it?" he said, jokingly, trying to brighten the mood, except it did nothing.
"Soraru-san,"
"I love you, Mafumafu,"
"... Soraru-san,"
"I love you, so, so much," Soraru chuckled weakly. He was one to believe that actions express more than words, but with him at the verge of death, all he could do was hope that his words give Mafu, the most important person he had placed right next to his heart, security. "I know it's selfish of me, but please let me say this until I leave," he turned away from the window to smile at Mafu.
"Please excuse me for a bit," Mafu hid his face behind his hands, but Soraru knew he was trying to hold everything in. He nodded at Mafu's request, and watched him leave the room. He let out a sigh right after the door was shut, hearing Mafu sobbing behind it.
He knew. He always knew how Mafu would quietly leave his bedroom at night, and cry silently in his living room, every single day. How could he possibly sleep when all he wanted was to be with Mafu, not wishing to waste a second away from him? Soraru also knew that Mafu would hold onto his hands while he pretended he was asleep, and sing for him. His voice was as beautiful as always, except it sounded really sad. Mafu would always end up letting out a sob before he quickly tried to regain his composure.
Everything about Mafu was so loving to him, Soraru couldn't imagine leaving him. When he thought about how he couldn't see or interact with him anymore, he got scared. He was about to leave the world, and that would naturally mean leaving Mafu. He was afraid to imagine Mafu loving someone else other than him, but he didn't want Mafu to stay a shut-in like he was before they dated either. And so, no matter how much it hurt for him to ask that of Mafu, he forced himself to do it.
Heavens, how hard has he fallen for the young man?
Soraru reached for his notebook by his nightstand. Mafu always thought he was using it to jot down music notes. He was half-correct. Soraru was indeed planning to write a song, but it was meant to be unfinished. Because he wished that Mafu could continue the second half from him. Too bad he couldn't stay to listen to the complete piece. He was sure that the song would be as amazing as the ones he had already made.
But other than that, Soraru's main plan was to leave him a note. He already left a note for each of their friends, but not Mafu yet. He thought about it since day one, he wrote and wrote, but each and every one of the notes was all thrown out of the window, so that Mafu wouldn't know. Until today, he still had no idea what to write to Mafu. In the end, he opened the cap of the pen, and scribbled on the paper. He tore it out of his already-thin-notebook. He held the note in his hands, gently kissing it so that he doesn't dirty it. He then placed it on the nightstand, under his notebook.
He lied back down on the bed, staring up at his ceiling as he felt sleep taking over. Ah, how he was going to miss him. Soraru closed his eyes and smiled, in hope that he could see Mafu in his dreams during his 'hibernation'. It would be great if he did.
"I was a lucky man to have met you. ― Soraru."
END
A/N: Thank you for reading! I have left this piece of one-shot alone for almost a month, and after much consideration, I decided to put it up on Wattpad. I didn't have the time to improvise this. I'm so terrible at this, I'm sorry. :c