.
I'm staring at the ceiling when Marie walks in. She stands at the door for a moment until I look over at her.
"Hi," I say quietly.
"Hey there, Everleigh. How are you doing? Jimmy told me you wanted to speak to someone," I look back down at my hands as Marie walks over and leans against the wall.
"Yeah. I don't even know I'm just so... Shocked. This is all so much and I just wish it had never happened and I could be at home," I look over at the nurse in despair. I'm so tired of all this.
"And now they think I have a personality disorder? I don't know what's going to happen if I do. I don't know what's going to happen at all! I don't know if my arms are going to work the same again, I don't know if I'm going to be sectioned and locked in a psych ward again, I don't know how long I'm going to be here for or how long it'll take to get better or if I'm even going to be able to go back home with my family. It's all just so fucking much... I just want a fucking cigarette right now and I can't even do that!" Once I'm done ranting, I take a few breaths to catch up on air.
"There's a lot going on, Everleigh. There's going to be a lot of stress and uncertainty over the next few weeks and I'm not going to deny that. I'm not sure where you'll be going after here or how long you'll be here exactly but as soon as we know things, I promise you'll be informed too. As for smoking, you're not going to be allowed out until you're much better but I'll go get you a nicotine patch written up when we're done talking. There is something I do need to talk to you about though, if that's okay?" She sits down in the chair beside me, staring down at her hands which are closed together.
"Thank you. And yeah, what is it?" I ask anxiously.
"Well, we need you to try eat something. It's really important just to make sure everything's alright internally. Can you do that for us?" I shake my head instantly, my eyes widening. No way can I do that.
"Ev, we need you to try. Please? You know what the other option is and none of us want to go down that route..." I cut her off.
"No. No tube. Not happening," Marie sighs as I protest.
"Look, if you're not going to eat then it's what we have to do, Everleigh. Will you eat?" I shake my head. I don't want the tube but I can't eat. I can't. I know I can't.
"Everleigh, then we're going to need to tube you and you know that there is either an easy or hard way we can do that. Easy way, you comply and help us all out by allowing us to help you or the hard way, we will have to hold you down and force you to take feeds," I'm shaking my head violently as Marie talks. I can't do this. I'm crying and choking on sobs and my face is damp as pure fear fills me up. I've done so well, I've made amazing progress. I've gotten to my lowest weight and I need to keep it that way. No matter what they do, I won't let them ruin that. I refuse to let them ruin it.
"Can you at least tell me why you can't comply, Ev?" The nurse looks worried.
"I just... I'm at my lowest. I'm finally good enough. Well, nearly. All I need to do is lose 5 more pounds and I'll be perfect! You can't take that away from me, you can't!" I sob out my words. Marie leans closer, resting her hand on my arm before speaking.
"You know that once you lose that 5 pounds, you'll just want to lose more. Everleigh, anorexia isn't going to let you feel 'perfect' no matter what weight you get to. Anorexia doesn't stop until you're dead. That's why we need you to fight back and gain. Because if you don't, you know what will happen and none of us want to see you gone. None of us want that for you," I cry harder. At this point, I don't know. I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. Especially not like this. I don't want to be sick anymore.
"I can't, Marie. I can't, I don't know how to explain it but I can't do this please don't make me!" I whimper. She sighs sadly before slowly pulling her hand away.
"I'm sorry. I really am. You know I don't want to have to do this to you but you also know we have to do something and we can't let you end your life by starving yourself. I know you'll hate me and the rest of us doctors for this but one day you'll understand this, you'll understand why and you'll maybe even be happy that we didn't give up on you. I'll be back soon, okay?" Once she's done talking, my nurse slowly stands up. I lean forward slightly, calling out to her.
"Marie! No, no! Please don't please no! Please!" I cry out helplessly however she walks out and soon I'm shouting out to nobody. I'm alone and my stomach growls angrily, knowing what's about to come. I guess I must be sectioned already if they're going to force an NG. I lay back in my bed, tears rushing down my cheeks as I uncontrollably cry. I don't know what to think about other than what's coming for me whilst I stare at the bright light on the white ceiling so I just cry. I cry and cry and let it all out as the barriers drop. The pain from surgery, the fear of what mobility I'll have left in my arms, the anxiety about where I'll go once I'm medically stable, the thought of all the calories that will soon be forced into my stomach, the weight that will slowly begin to go up, the reminder that I've let everyone in my family down for the thousandth time and just the general knowledge that this is it, this is my life and I'll never really be okay. The tears soak my face, pillow and hospital gown but I can't stop. I'm in so much emotional pain and everything is all too much, as always. I just want to be normal. I just want to be okay. Why do I have to be like this?
I sob and sob, ignoring the people who come in and out of my room. It feels like I'm in a bubble and everything outside is just a blur. Voices sound distorted so I can't understand the words. I don't know what they do as they enter and leave my room. Just so long as no one touches me, I'm okay. This bubble protects me from them. From all of them. I'm safe in here and no one can hurt me. Right? Wrong. I'm snapped out of my zone as a hand rests on my left arm. I jolt in fear, pulling away before crying out as a shooting pain sears from my shoulder to my fingertips. I turn my head and my eyes connect with Marie's. There's four other staff members behind her and another person walks in, pushing a trolley of items in front of her. As soon as I see what's on it, I begin to shake my head. I pull my legs up in fear and force my arms to flop down at my feet. I instantly bury my face into my knees and begin to hyperventilate.
"Everleigh, come on. We need to fit this NG. Let's just get it over and done with and it'll be alright. Let's do it the easy way, come on," Marie tries to reason with me but the fear is too strong. I begin to shout.
"DON'T YOU FUCKING COME NEAR ME! NO, I'M NOT DOING IT! I'M NOT FUCKING DOING IT!" My voice is slightly muffled by my knees but I'm still loud enough that half the ward can probably hear me. I don't care, they can listen. Fuck them, fuck them all.
"Right, you two take the legs and you two take the arms but be careful because of the casts and stitches. I'll take her head and Jenna can insert. Now!" I continue to sob and shout as my once favourite nurse orders the staff.
"DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING COME NEAR ME! I FUCKING HATE YOU, I HATE YOU SO MUCH DON'T DO THIS! FUCK OFF!" I begin to kick the nurses who attempt to grab my legs but my attempts are feeble as they pin me down. I try my hardest to pull my arms away but they're too weak and barely move, making it easy for the nurses to hold me down. I try to twist and turn in any direction I can, my torso leading me. My legs kick and pull and I manage to slip one out of the holds.
"Hold her! Grab her now!" One of the staff yells out but I'm already on my way out. I use my free leg and kick the nurse holding the other one in the chest. He backs away and lets go, coughing. For a second, guilt slaps me in the face but it doesn't last. My priority is freedom, I can do this. I use my free legs to turn and kick the nurses on my arms who struggle to hold me however within a second, they're overpowered by my adrenaline. I sit up hurriedly, my whole body shaking violently. My vision pulses and my head spins however as the nurses scramble back towards me, I dive through a gap between them and somehow I am standing. My arms dangle beside me like heavy weights however as I find my feet and sprint down the hall, I manage to lift my left slightly and rest my right on top. I hear the nurses footsteps pounding behind me and attempt to go faster. I'm zigzagging down the hallway and bursting through the first set of doors. I don't even know where I'm going but I need to get away. I need to be free. I need to go!
However it only takes a minute for my arms to drop again and the weight is enough to disorient me. I stumble and trip over my foot and come crashing to the ground, my arms hitting the ground first and my chest landing on top of them, winding me. My legs tangle and my head bashes on the hard ground, sending my ears into a ringing frenzie. I'm too dizzy to move and instead I just groan in pain. It only takes a second for Marie and the other female nurse to catch up to me.
"Oh god... Someone get a bed, please! Everleigh? Everleigh are you okay?" Marie crouches beside me, moving my hair out of my face to look into my eyes. I don't know what to say, pain overwhelming me and guilt sinking into my already hurting chest. The nurse pulls out a small flashlight and shines it into each of my eyes to check. I begin to cry again. I hate myself so much.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." I whisper. Marie shakes her head.
"Listen, what you did isn't okay. You can't hurt us when we're just here to help you, okay? But I can empathise with the fear you were feeling and I'm not going to hold a grudge. Right now, we just need to make sure you're okay. Can you tell me where you're feeling pain?" I nod slowly.
"My arms and chest... And my head. It hurts... A lot. My ankle hurts too..." I speak slowly.
"Okay, does your neck hurt at all?" I take a moment to search for pain, moving it slowly. I shake my head.
"That's good. Do you think you can sit up?" I nod and Marie carefully helps me slide up so I'm leaning against the wall. By the time I'm sat up, two of the other nurses have returned with a hospital bed for me.
"I'm going to lift you up and put you into the bed, okay?" One of the male nurses asks me. I nod and allow him to put me into the bed. I lean back into it and relax a little as Marie speaks to the other nurse.
"I think we need to do a head CT scan and a possible x-ray on the chest. Her arms hurt too but we can't tell the damage with the casts on so I say an x-ray for those as well. I'll come with her since she knows me, it might be easier. Would you like that, Everleigh?" She asks me gently and I nod.
"Okay, let's go," Marie says and we begin to move.
[UNEDITED]