Stay - Stray Kids Han Jisung FF (RESQ SAGA PART 3)

90.

"I really don't know what to say..." Ollie said covering his mouth. "I'm honestly at a loss of words."

"It's okay, you don't need to say anything," I assured him and put my phone away. "All of the times I lost that much weight matched with the times I was mentally at my worst too. I can't talk about the SM thing, but I can talk about the one from earlier this year.

"When I was dropped out of ITZY, I felt like I was back again in square one; like I was going to be kept in JYP's basement forever and not debut because that's what had happened to me every single time. I had also been restricting my food intake a lot from long before that and worked out more than I should, so I really was in a deep dark place that I didn't know how to get out of. I was perpetually afraid of having wasted my entire life training to be something I wouldn't be able to be.

"I've honestly felt worthless all of my life. I've been tossed around and played with like a toy and only very few people have really appreciated me for who I am. I spent most of my trainee days not knowing what the word love meant. Heck, even I thought my parents didn't love me! They are very busy people and can't come to visit me practically ever, but I thought they just didn't want to see me at all; that they were tired of me too."

I had been trying to hold back my tears for a very long time but, after that, they just started to fall freely. I didn't care anymore if I was crying on camera and that millions of people would watch it. I just wanted to get it out of my chest.

"I don't think I need to tell you the exact names of all of the mental disorders I am talking about, right?" I said trying not to choke on my own words. "Anorexia, anxiety and... depression."

Josh then wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a hug, which I really welcomed. I couldn't believe I had said that for the first time to anyone other than Jisung and the girls. The girls didn't even know about my depression, although they probably had guessed.

"I was once so close to ending it all," I said still crying. "That bridge... that bridge..."

Neither of them knew what I was talking about, but I was sure that there was exactly one person who would understand if he watched the video: Jisung. He didn't know about that part, but the bridge where I had taken him when he was sad about Soojin and where we had our first kiss was the bridge where I had nearly put everything to an end just a few years before.

"I'm not going to say it's all okay now and that I am fine and dandy, but I thankfully have people with me that make me feel cared for and love. I am slowly but steadily recovering, thankfully, and I really have to thank my groupmates and the Stray Kids boys for most of it," I said once I calmed down a little. "I don't want people to pity me. That's not what I want people to take out of all of this. What I really want is for people to realise that they aren't the only ones: that they aren't alone. Things really get better."

"Okay, I'm literally crying," Ollie said rubbing his eyes. "You are honestly such an inspiration, Alix."

"I still don't know what to say," Josh told me. "I'm just glad you are slowly getting to a happier place and that you have people who love you. Really, you are the friendliest, cutest, politest,  most mature and most down to earth celebrity I think I've ever met and I just can't even begin to understand how you have managed to go through all of that and still be like this. You are a role model."

"I don't want this interview to become all serious now. This was just something I thought I had to talk about and maybe the best place to do it was here since I feel comfortable around both of you, guys, and since I can speak in English and really express myself the way I want to," I said drying my last few tears and smiling lightly.