"Keeping you as a trainee is useless because you are basically our ace and have the skills to even debut as a soloist, so I wanted you to join the girls of ResQ."
*To read this book you don't need to read the previous two as you will be able to unde...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
"Is it that bad?" Josh asked me worried.
"Stop filming for a second," I told them and turned to Yeongjae. "Is it really okay?"
"If you want to do it and are ready for what will come with it, do it," he told me. "If you aren't that sure, I think it's better for you to not say it."
I had been silent for so long that I really wanted to speak my heart out. I didn't want to stay silent any longer because I knew that talking about it would actually help me. It had helped me a lot talking about pretty much everything with Jisung and most of the things with the girls, so being fully honest with the fans too would make me feel a lot freer.
"Guys, I really meant it when I said things will get really dark," I told Josh and Ollie. "I'm not even kidding. There is no way you can make things lighthearted. Are you sure you still want to know?"
"Only if you are ready to talk about it," Josh said.
"We didn't say it needed to be all laughs and jokes. We want to let your fans really get to know you," Ollie told me. "If you want to talk about it, we will support you and if you don't, we will support you too."
I then took a deep breath before taking one last bite of the food since I knew I wouldn't probably eat anything after I started talking. After that, I tried to relax and told them we could start recording again before I started talking.
"So, as you know already, I came to Korea when I was just nine years old and without my parents. I basically joined SM entertainment with absolutely no knowledge of Korean and had to learn things from scratch," I started explaining. "I can't speak about anything regarding SM and what happened when I was in the company so I have to skip most of the story, but let's just say things weren't easy for me neither mentally nor physically.
"I am not the tallest person on earth, obviously, but I still am around 1,70 metres tall, which is fairly tall. According to the standard BMI we use pretty much everywhere I should weight around 55 kilogrammes. That obviously doesn't apply to Kpop idols, but I still shouldn't weight less than around forty-seven kilogrammes to even be considered healthy. When I was around seventeen, I hit thirty-seven kilogrammes and would sometimes not eat anything at all for the whole day while working for nearly twenty hours a day. That was when I was at my worst."
"Thirty-seven?!" Josh exclaimed. "Oh my god!"
"I know, I'm not proud of it at all but it just got out of control," I told him. "I then gradually gained some weight again because I got way too scared but, just a few months ago, after more than a year of not checking my weight, my bandmates were very worried about me and made me weigh myself again and, well, I was at nearly forty kilogrammes. I can show you some pictures, I don't mind. You can just check the promotions for the first mini-album I was in."
I then took my phone out and showed the boys some of the pictures that weren't on the internet and where I was wearing shorts and crop tops so they could very clearly see how bad it was.
