A Life On The Edge

Eddie

“How was your first day of school?” I was working with the owner Bridget today in the book/record store. She was Ryder’s aunt and I could tell. She was really cool and really easy to talk to. She was a lot like him. “Don’t bullshit me either tell me about how much you hate Belleview.” She smirked.

“Oh my god it’s terrible there!” she started cracking up. “I hate it so much! People are always trying to talk and get to know me and I just want to be left alone!”

“Awe you’re popular, isn’t that just the worst.” I rolled my eyes Dylan said the same thing to me when I came home. “The kids at that school can be a piece of work. I know Ryder and his girlfriend used to have a hard time. Just watch your back and make sure not to shut everyone out. It’s always good to have at least one person on your team.” I nodded. I liked Bridget she was like the cool and calm big sister that I never had. Well the working girls and pr0stitutes reminded me of her, except she wasn’t tricking me into selling myself.

Thinking about the girls in the gang made me think about Chris. Thinking about Chris made me think about all of the things he did. How he tricked me into thinking that he loved me. How stupid I was to feel safe around him, or to let him manipulate me into thinking that any part of that relationship was normal. Thinking about how he treated me made me think about Ricky. I thought about that night in the car. I thought about how empty my stomach was and how hallow my chest felt when I pulled the trigger. I thought about the blood.

All of blood that cover my hands

And then that was all I could think about. All I could was him sitting next to me, dead. The car totaled and blood…there was so much blood.

“Babe, are you okay?” Bridget asked. “You’re looking a little pale sweetie.”

“Yeah I just need to go to the restroom is all.” I mumbled as I stood up from the stool and walked around the back and to the end of the hall to the employee unisex bathroom. There were a couple of transgender people here. Ryder told me that Bridget only had one unisex bathroom so there would be no discrimination or confusion among the employees. If they had a problem with it they could use the costumer toilet.

I didn’t have a problem with it. I didn’t really give a fuck. All I cared about was finding a safe place to cry my fucking eyes out. It hasn’t hit me this hard before. I mean sure I had said it to myself over and over again. I had tried to force myself to feel it. The weight of it, the reality of it, and I thought I did. But I hadn’t, no not until now.

I killed Ricky Malcolm

I put a gun to his head and I shot him.

I shot him.

I had never sadness like this…no, sadness wasn’t the right word. Grief…this was grief. Before I had cried, but I wasn’t like this. I felt the knot in my stomach unraveling as the tears flowed. Before, I had cried tears of guilt for Ricky. For murdering my first love, because no matter how insane he was…I loved him. I was grieving his loss now. I wasn’t crying because I had killed him…I was crying because I had killed him and he was gone forever. He wasn’t going to come knocking at my door demand sex or forgiveness. He wasn’t going to call me and ask where I was and…how I was doing.

I didn’t matter that I wouldn’t have answered his call or his questions. I would’ve turned down his demand of sex or forgiveness because I was in love with Lyle. I had Lyle now. The point was that…he was gone and he wasn’t ever coming back. And it wasn’t like I could just be mad because someone else took him.

I did this.

This was my fault.

This was my fault.

I murdered Ricky Malcolm and I ran.

I left his body there in a totaled car on the side of a road.

That was my fault.

I held my face in my hands and jumped when I heard someone open the door. I could’ve sworn I locked it when I came in. I guess I was in such a panic that I just rushed to sit on the toilet and cry. It all happened in a quick three seconds. I was crying, the door was opened, and we both mad horrifically embarrassing and awkward eye contact. The blue eyed man quickly covered his face.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry.” He said closing the door. I wiped my face and stood up. It was time for me to stop crying anyway.

“No your fine.” I said. He opened the door to look at me and sighed.

“I truly am sorry maim I should’ve knocked.” I gave him a forced polite smile and sniffled.

“No, you’re fine.” I shuffled through the door and walked back to the register.

“You okay?” Bridget asked. I nodded.

“Yeah I’m fine.”

“You sure because…Eddie!” she shouted. I looked behind me to see the man from before. Now I could get a real look at him. He was tall, like really tall. He had blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He had a cowboy straw hat and boots to match. So I wasn’t surprised by his southern twang whenever he talked.

“It’s a pleasure to see you again Ms. Grant, even though I did see you not too long ago.”

“Call me Bridget or else I’ll fire you.” He smiled and nodded. “I thought you weren’t coming down till next week.” 

“I got a note pad right here that said you wanted a shelf full of new books today.”

“Yeah but I thought grant was going to bring them.” he sighed.

“Grant let me have this one. I’m a little low on cash at the moment.” He said running his fingers through his hair. “I had to pick up extra shifts at the bar.”

“Oh you poor baby.” She pouted. “I can give you some more hours here.”

“No it’s fine, thanks though.” She sighed and smiled at me.

“This is my new slave Riley. Riley this is Eddie. He does all the hard labor nobody around here wants to do. Like supply runs and inventory.”

“We’ve had a brief encounter near the restroom.” He chuckled. “I didn’t get to introduce myself though. Eddie.”

“Riley.”

“Pretty name, it goes along with those sparkling eyes.” I blushed. He smiled and put his hat back on his head. “I better get going. I’ll see you later Bridget. It was nice to meet you Riley.” He winked at me and left through the back door. Bridget giggled and sat back down at the counter.

“Excited about going back to school tomorrow?” she asked. I groaned at the thought.

“I’d rather kill myself.” And then I got an idea. “Hey…you think I could work tomorrow?” she smiled at me.

“You’re such a slacker; you’re going to fit in around here just fine.”