Writer Games | Masquerade of Martyrs & Family Ties

Task One: Moments - Scores

Before I unleash the  tribute scores, I just want to apologize for the length of this. I  thought I'd give you notes to help improve and so that people understand  my reasoning behind their score and don't complain constantly (though  I'm sure that never happens). I wonder up going a bit overboard. Oops.

You all did an excellent job!

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[D1 Male]: Cartier Graff - 10

Notes: The first thing I  noticed about this entry, sadly, was a homophone problem - your entry  sadly fell prey to the your/you're conundrum. However, I assumed this to  be a simple typo as no similar error surfaced later. The greatest  strength of this entry was most definitely characterization: even  Cartier's psychopathic tendencies, which are hard to portray, came  across well without being unrealistic, and the event itself linked in  with him perfectly - which is actually what got you the 10 rather than  the 9, seeing as it was such a crucial part of the entry. One thing I  might've suggested was to use a bit more description; this is an entry  that would've worked very nicely using flashbacks.
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[D1 Female]: Jamilla Argentaria - 11

Notes: Something quite  uncommon for these Games, the strongest part of this entry was actually  its use of description; somehow, you managed to describe everything you  needed to without being boring, which is extremely difficult. Jamilla is  definitely the most Career-like of the characters in these Games, so it  made a lot of sense for her event to be what it was, and it made the  effect it had on her very clear. I adored the contrast between the  interviews and this confession, particularly in the way she tried to  play it like one. The place that was lacking for me was within the  narration itself, which seemed too much like a viewer and not like a  third-person narrator.
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[D2 Male]: Atticus Leigh - 6

Notes: This entry  actually started out really nicely: the description was strong and the  characterization was on point - I particularly liked the way he was  setting himself up to appear a certain way. The only complaints I had  were numbers that weren't spelt out and a few misplaced commas. However,  this entry was cut far too short, which completely spoiled the  emotional effect. If you write something like this in the future, I'd  recommend taking some time to discuss good memories with his aunt and  how he felt during her death.
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[D2 Female]: Kimiko Zhen - 10

Notes: This entry had a  very strong comprehension of the basics: the description was good but  not overwhelming, the characterization, if simplistic, was accurate. I  particularly liked the idea of Kimi's event being the one that brought  her the most happiness. However, the entry lacked in flair: for a task  that gave potential to have a major event, this was a bit simplistic.  There were heavy events, but these were often delivered in a very "woe  is me" manner that made it seem much less potent than it could've been.
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[D3 Male]: Honorius Vaccaro - 0

Notes: Did not hand in.
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[D3 Female]: Jessica Greenwood - 9

Notes: I have to admit  that, though this score is far from disastrous, I'm disappointed in this  entry. Reading the very start of it, I was so pleased, thinking it  might be one of the strongest I'd receive: the description was  brilliant, the characterization was highly effective, and the idea of  the event was exactly what I was looking for. Jessica's excitement even  added the flair that was missing to some of the other entries with  simpler events. However, as the end came, it sort of just fell apart.  The writing became sloppy and careless, very clearly being rushed.  Basically, what stopped you from scoring lower was the beginning - and  what stopped you from scoring higher was the end.
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[D4 Male]: Calder Sertori - 7