Fighting Fate

13. Back In LA

I am nine and a half weeks pregnant right now. I still get morning sickness, have an extremely weak stomach, sore boobs, bloating, horrible cramps and I am immensely fatigued all the time. I barely ever took daily naps as I always had so much energy, but now I nap it one or two times throughout the day.

My baby is currently the size of a cherry which is actually double the size he or she was last week. It is funny that I am using fruit to understand the size of the baby but it made me buy cherries at the Grocer yesterday. I picked one up in my hand and was staring at it for a good ten minutes in awe of that's how small my baby is inside of me.

Currently I am sat in a pastel pink chair which is a few shades darker than my robe that I got given on set. It is almost as if they set this up intentionally. I have rollers in my hair and Claire is doing my makeup. We're preparing to shoot my music video for my song.

This is a very aesthetic set up now and it is a perfect opportunity to take some photos for Instagram. It will be my first picture since my little Instagram hiatus. "Heather" I call out to my manager as she is in the middle of yelling at somebody.

She turns around to face me with an angst expression on her face. "What is it?"

"Can you please take a photo of me sitting here like this?"

She nods and holds her hand out as she walks over to me. "Phone?"

"I don't have it. Sylvia is holding it for me."

Heather nods and exits the room to go find Sylvia.

Memories flow through my mind like flicking through a picture book of the last time I was filming a music video at Universal Studios. It is nearing two years ago. Ed, Harry and Ed's friend Mark came to visit me on set.

I glance over at the fridge in the mini bar that they have prepared for me. I didn't eat any of it last time so I gave it to Harry. His eyes lit up when he seen the mandarin and he was throwing it up in the air and catching it. They also gave me a salad without cutlery so Harry was eating it with his hands. That was a good day.

"You ready?" Heather asks me as she returns to the room with my phone. I nod my head and position myself so that I am ready for the photo. Claire steps out of the frame momentarily but I pull her back in.

"It's okay, stay in it babe. Well, that is if you don't mind being in my photo. It adds to the effectiveness of the photo."

Claire turns her back to the camera and holds a lipstick brush on my bottom lip as if she is doing my lipstick. She just finished with the lipstick but for the effect of the photo, we are still pretending she is. "How's this?" She asks me.

"It's great." I mumble because of the brush on my lip.

"I better get a tag on Instagram."

My laughter is held in because otherwise my lipstick will smudge down my chin. I look up at her and wink, she laughs back at me.

Heather snaps a few photos and then shows me. "I love them. Thanks guys" I thank both Heather and Claire. Heather puts my phone in the pocket of her trousers and goes back to bossing around the crew.

After my makeup it is time to

"I don't know if letting you go back home was the best idea." Heather says as she zips up my jumpsuit.

"Why is that?"

"Because look at all the weight you have gained. Your boobs are spilling out of this and your ass looks like you've eaten too many donuts."

Now I have to try really hard not to laugh. "I have started back at the gym" I lie. I've just been doing cardio and light exercises because I don't want to do anything intense as I don't want to hurt the baby. Rachel told me it is fine, I won't hurt the baby because it is still so tiny but I am not taking any risks. If anything were to happen to this baby I would never forgive myself.