Green Eyed Monster

187

(WON'T BE UPDATING FOR A LITTLE WHILE, GETTING MY SENIOR PICTURES TAKEN TODAY!)

QOTD - DO YOU GUYS LIVE IN AMERICA!?

€ Deanny

I don't know why I did it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe Sammy's right, I'm turning into our father. I didn't mean what I said. To either of them. All I am able to do is lay here weak, screaming into my pillow because I'm worthless. I'm nothing.

I'm a monster.

I let one more scream into the pillow, punching the mattress and then stand up. I need to make this right, I need them to forgive me. My brain is on fire as I make my way to Cas' room. Dreading what the both of them would say to me. One more breath and I open the door, walking in.

"Cas? Sammy?" I whisper, sitting on the edge of the bed. Cas was holding Sammy, their faces both tear stained as they slept. My fingers rub Cas' back. "Cas?"

His eyes open and he flinches at the sight of me. "Dean-"

"It's me, Cas." I say with a broken smile. "I'm okay now."

"Why are you here?" He sits up, rubbing his eyes. "Bar run out of alcohol?" He asks angrily.

"No, Cas....I'm sorry." A tear falls from my eyes. "I'm broken, you were right. Sammy was right. I'm terrified to lose you because of what my dad did to me, us."

Sammy wakes up, slowly sitting up. "Dean?" He tenses.

I smile. "Yeah, Sammy. It's me."

He let's out a breath and within a second, I'm a sobbing mess, crying, hurting, breaking.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, guys. I want to get better...I need your help." I cry into Sam's shoulder. "I don't kmow what came over me. The alcohol, dad, I don't know."

"He may be your father, but he isn't your dad." Cas says. "It isn't your fault."

"Don't defend me. Don't defend what I've done to you guys. What I've done to myself. It's unspeakable. It's unforgivable."

"Dean." Cas says softly. I look into his eyes and he holds his arms out. "Come here."

I let go of Sam and take Cas into me, holding him tightly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have treated you guys that way."

"It's fine. Get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."

"I can't sleep, Cas. I feel so alone."

"We're right here, Dean. You are not alone." Sammy tells me softly.

"T-There's more." I stutter out.

"Did you....?"

I don't say anything. My eyes just staring at the mattress.

"Dean, no." Cas tears up. He holds out his hand and I slowly and cautiously give him my arm. I feel my sleeve being rolled up and Cas closes his eyes to hold the tears back from coming out. "Dean..." He rubs his thumb around the bloody carvings.

"Dean, why did you do this?" Sam avoiding the cuts.

"Because everyhing I carved is true. I'm worthless, stupid, nothing. I'm a monster." I look at the word Monster carved into my wrist along with the other idiotic words.

"It's not true at all, Dean. You're just hurting." Cas replies, wiping his tears away. "Let me clean them."

"Why?"

"They'll get infected." Deja vu hits me as I realize we had the same conversation at the cabin.

I nod and let him take me to the bathroom to clean them. "Are you keeping that promise of sending me to the hospital?" I joke, sitting on the counter.

He tears up again, letting out a sob, dropping his head onto my chest.

"Don't cry, Cas." I hold him tightly in my arms. "They're just cuts."

He ignores me and moves away, cleaning them.

After he finishes, he helps me off the counter and puts me in the bed with Sammy. Covering us up, he sits on the couch. "No, come here." I say.

He slowly moves to the bed, laying in it. All three of us sleeping close together as the tears fall silently out of our eyes. Our heart breaking for eachother. Our sanity on the brink of collapsation.

But atleast we have eachother. And that's all that matters.

QOTD - WHO LOVES COFFEE!? AND WHAT'S YOUR ALL TIME FAVORITE CREAMER? OR DO YOU LIKE IT BLACK!? MINE DEPENDS ON MY MOOD!!! I'LL UPDATE LATER AFTER MY SENIOR PICS! BYEEEE!