I don’t know why I’m still sitting here. I don’t even know why I agreed to come back in with him. It was only tearing me apart more to have him so close, yet so far away.
It’s like when you look through binoculars and something seems so close that you can touch it, but when you reach your hand out, there’s nothing there; nothing but thin air.
He hasn’t said anything about my letter at all. Maybe he didn’t read it. Maybe he just threw it out. Maybe I just wrote it for no reason.
I really would like to know what I did to deserve this kind of pain…this torture. It’s killing me inside and it never goes away.
I won’t even allow myself to look at him because I know if I do, I’ll just break down again and I don’t want to do that in front of him.
He says he wants to help me, but he can’t. The only thing that might make me feel better right now is for him to hold me. Just hold me. I don’t even need him to say anything, I just need him to hold me and never let go.
I’m almost positive that won’t happen and it breaks my heart to even try and remember how his arms felt around me.
It was too much for me to handle knowing that I’ll never experience that feeling of being held tight against his chest as I listened to his heartbeat ever again.
All the hope I had left in me is gone. That letter I wrote was my last hope, but he hasn’t said a word about it to me.
I wish he didn’t find me with the gun today. I could have ended my misery and he would be able to move on and find someone else; someone better.
But no, he found me just as I was trying to determine how it worked. If only I had already known, then it would have been simpler.
My heart was racing when I was thinking about what I was about to do, but I had ignored it. I even ignored the ache of knowing I would never see Harry ever again if I went through with it. He was better off without someone as screwed up as me.
I still want him back, but it’s a longing that I know want be fulfilled. I just can’t keep dealing with the pain of losing him everywhere that I go.
He keeps asking me things, and I know he’s trying to be nice, but I wish he would stop. Just the sound of his voice and thinking about how he would never call me ‘baby’ like he used to was tugging at my already broken heartstrings.
I wonder what he’s thinking. I bet he thinks I’m crazy or psychotic. Maybe he even thinks I’m just like Shawn; that sick man. I hate him.
Really I’m just so depressed from everything that has happened that I just can’t do anything.
The only emotion I feel is hurt and it only gets worse with each minute I spend here with him looking at me. It just makes me want to crawl up in a corner and cry.
Can’t he see what he does to me? Can’t he tell that I’m struggling because I need him? Maybe I’m just really good at hiding that.
I just need to get out of here and never come back; it will be better that way. Not for me, but it will be for him. He can be happy and have the family that he wants and a wife that doesn’t make such stupid mistakes.
I want that for him, I want him to be happy. I just don’t want to see him with another woman, so I’d have to get away from him.
I got up from the couch where I was sitting and walked towards the door, hoping I could just get out without him trying to stop me. I didn’t want his pity and I knew I was about to lose it again.
“Where are you going?” I asked whilst getting up and walking over to her.
“Home,” she replied, completely avoiding eye contact with me just like she has been all day.
She won’t even look at me, she just looks right past me or down at the ground. I don’t understand it. I’m trying to help her and she won’t let me.
“You really want to go back there?” I questioned, quite surprised at her previous answer.
She was silent for a while. Thinking about it, I guess. I hope she doesn’t want to go back…not yet. Besides, I don’t know where that creep Shawn is and she won’t be able to fend for herself against him in this state of mind.
“Then stay here…stay with me.”
She looked up at me and her eyes met mine for the first time in a while. It feels like fucking eternity since she’s looked at me…actually looked at me.
I want her to look at me the way she used to…the way she did when we were still together. Her eyes always used to be full of happiness and love, but now they’re just sad and it hurts to see that.
“I can’t,” she said as tears filled her eyes.
“Because I’m hopeless…I’m depressed…I’m broken…I can’t take them pain anymore…and I-”
I couldn’t help myself as I brought my hands to her jaw and my lips to hers. Our mouths moved slowly, but in sync as my tongue gently glided over hers.
A tear slipped down her cheek, landing on my hand but I didn’t care. All that mattered right now was this moment as she placed one of her hands over mine.
I didn’t want to let her go in case she never came back, but I had to pull away. My hands stayed where they were and hers stayed over top of one of mine as she looked back up into my eyes.
“Please don’t leave me,” she said softly as another tear slid down her cheek.
“I couldn’t, even if I tried.”
They aren’t officially back together yet, just letting ya’ know. xx
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Corruption™ (Punk Harry Styles)Fanfiction
[on going] What if one boy could flip your whole world around in just a matter of weeks? [first posted July 2, 2013] Copyright © 2014, ForeverDreamingx™ ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyr...