“No, I’m not going to let you do it. We’re going to get through this. I can’t do anything about your family and I’m sorry that happened, I know what it feels like. You don’t know that you won’t have a baby that will live because you’ve only tried twice and you’re only twenty; you can’t give up. And that last part about me not wanting you…you’re right. I don’t want you, I need you.”

“No,” she shook her head, “you don’t need me, you just feel bad for me. Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying. Just…just get out of the car.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not letting you drive anywhere like this. You could get into an accident or do something stupid that you can’t take back.”

She was reluctant, but eventually I just went over to her door and opened it. Only then did she get out, but she just stood there and she wouldn’t look at me. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she stared down at the ground.

“Please come with me,” I practically begged.

She lightly nodded her head and followed me back into the hotel.

I can’t believe she was going to do that. If I hadn’t come out when I did and found her, she probably would have. I don’t even want to think about what I would do if she had followed through with it.

What was she even thinking? That it’d be easier if she were gone? My life would be Hell without her.

I never want to think about possibly losing her forever, and today she scared the shit out of me. I just can’t stop wondering what would’ve happened if I didn’t get there until a minute later than when I did.

Would I see her do it? Would she have already done it? Would I still have been able to save her?

All these questions and every possibility running through my mind was making me want to pull my hair out. How could she even think that was the answer to her problems?

We got back into the hotel room and I sat down whilst she brushed her teeth and her hair. Since she left before I woke up, she didn’t get the chance to do that.

Leaving me alone with these thoughts was not good. They are eventually going to drive me mad. They’re things I don’t want to think about and things I never thought I would be thinking about…ever.

The again, I never thought I would fall in love or find anyone who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. But I did and now I need to help her get through this.

Even if she ends up changing her mind and not wanting anything to do with me, I still have to make sure she’s okay. I won’t let her out of my sight until I know for sure.

She came back out of the bathroom and sat on the couch. I could see the sadness on her face even though she wouldn’t dare to look at me.

All that made me want to do was to go hold her and tell her that everything would be okay and that things would get better. But I decided against it; I don’t want to risk making things worse. I know that should make it better, but I don’t know with her right now.

“Are you okay?” I asked. I know that’s a stupid question, but I’m not just going to sit here in silence when she’s in obvious pain.

“No.”

Well I already knew that, I just wanted to know more.

“What’s wrong?”

“Everything.”

“Okay…is there anything I can do?”

“Why?”

“Because I care about you. I want to help.”

“Well you can’t.”

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I need to get her to talk about it or else she’ll be depressed forever and I can’t deal with that. She needs to be happy again.

“Do you want anything to eat?” I asked, trying to change the subject and see if it helped any.

“I’m not hungry.”

Okay, I need to come up with something else. This plan isn’t working out the way I wanted it to.

* * *

It was getting late and she still hasn’t said much to me at all. The only answers I get are just a couple of words unless it’s a yes or no question where she only has to say one.

This isn’t like her at all. This isn’t the girl I fell in love with. This girl was broken and done trying to keep herself together. But even after seeing how she’s different, I still know that the girl I love is in there somewhere; I just have to get her out.

I don’t like this. I don’t like knowing that she’s feeling like this and not knowing how to help. I don’t like the short responses. I don’t like her putting up walls to keep me out. I want her to let me in so I can at least attempt to make her feel better.

But how do I do that? How do I break through walls of a person that already feels so broken? Is it even possible? Will she ever be happy again?

I sat in the chair next to the couch watching her, observing and trying to figure out what made her get to such a low point.

Was it her father’s death? Was it the loss of two babies? Was it me? Was there something I didn’t know about going on?

She stood up from her seat on the couch and walked to the door of the hotel room.

“Where are you going?” I asked whilst getting up and walking over to her.

“Home,” she replied, completely avoiding eye contact with me just like she has been all day.

She won’t even look at me, she just looks right past me or down at the ground. I don’t understand it. I’m trying to help her and she won’t let me.

“You really want to go back there?” I questioned, quite surprised at her previous answer.

She was silent for a while. Thinking about it, I guess.

“No.”

“Then stay here…stay with me.”

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