To The Moon And Back

Chapter 97

"You're too harsh on yourself."
"I'm sorry." That's the phrase she's been mumbling in her sleep. She sounded like she's begging. Begging for forgiveness which is way too hard for me to understand.
I can't understand what she's apologizing for when I know she doesn't have to.
It's the world who owes you an apology, love. So please stop your tears now.
I do not know how many times I have woke her up because she's been having nightmares all night. And every time she goes back to her sleep, she cries.
Danm! Should I keep her awake until tomorrow just so I won't see her cry?
I was about to leave her room when she wasn't having nightmares anymore when she grabbed my hand and held on to it as tight as she can.
"Don't leave," She mumbled.
I sat on her bed then planted a feathery kiss on her forehead. "I won't. Restwell, love. You did a great job fighting today."
I lied beside her then wrapped my arm around her waist.
She scooted over then burried her face on my chest.
I caressed her back and hummed her favorite song until I almost fell asleep.
"Quel," She called in a faint voice then sat down.
I stood up. "Hold up, I'll go get you some water," I said.
I turned my back and walked away without letting her respond. Her head is probably aching.
I ran to the kitchen to grab her a glass of water. I placed the glass of water on the table when I saw her throwing up on the floor.
I immediately come to her aid. I lifted her up and found our way to the bathroom.
She leaned her head on the wall, wiping the side of her mouth.
She was breathing heavily.
"Why did you get yourself drunk, Athijha?" I asked in a serious manner.
I noticed how she struggled on letting out what she took because of her hair. I took a handful of her hair and let her get rid of the alcohol in her system.
"Because," Hiccups. "You used to do that," She said while pointing at my face and her eyes were squinted. "Used to tell Athijha that you used to do that to forget."
I tucked my lips in as I recall those moments where I almost drowned myself in alcohol.
Her eyes started welling up again. I averted my gaze and chose to stare at the wall. "I want to forget. But I didn't, it just made me kind of fine but I didn't forget anything. You lied to me," She uttered with her voice almost cracking.
I gave her a glass of water which she finished in a matter of seconds.
Just how bad do you want to forget, love? How much do you want to forget?
"What do you want to forget?" I asked in a gentle manner.
I was scared to hear the answer. But this is the only time where I can hear the truth from her.
Do you want to forget me as well?
"Everything I never want to remember," She replied then point where her heart is located. "Hurts."
"Why?"
Why does the world chose to make you feel those emotions?
"Hurts. Athijha's memories are worse and... and Athijha is scared," She looked at me with pleading eyes.
I was terrified the moment I realized she wished she was dead.
Her eyes looks like they were pleading for me to kill her, to end the misery.
I can't seem to swallow the lump in my throat as she sobs.
"Quel, do you mind knocking my head somewhere enough for me to have amnesia?" She was tugging the hem of my shirt when she asked me for that.
I sighed then kneeled to level with her face. "Why would you wish to forget everything about that when everything that has happened brought you where you are today?" I uttered while I was caressing my hair.
She shook her head. "That's why I want to forget about everything, Quel. Somehow, I don't want to be where I am right now." Her voice cracked as the lump in my throat gets larger.
I was astounded to hear that. At first I thought she is just tired enough to utter to things but as everything gets visible in her eyes makes me think that she's just really forcing herself to do something she doesn't really want.
"You don't want to be my wife?"
A bead of tears fell from her eyes as she chuckles a bit. "No, that's not what I meant. I have always wanted to be with you but a lot of things have been sacrificed for my selfish desires," She uttered which I somehow find hilarious in the most painful way.
"You're not selfish," I cupped her face and gave her a reassuring smile despite of the bitterness that's trying to come out.
"I am, Quel. I know that. You don't have to lie just to console me. It is not necessary because I know that." She looked at my eyes directly, convinced that she's too selfish for every one's sake. "I took a huge part of your dreams and plans because I can't decide. Because I love you so much. Sometimes, I really think that I'm not selfish because I love you more than myself but, I know that doesn't work that way."
I went silent after she said that. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to counter what she just said.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. My chest feels like it's burning with immeasurable feeling mixed with pity.
"I love you, Athijha," I said while staring at her eyes, searching for the soul that I have never seen for a while.
It feels like I was just struck by a lightning when I saw doubt and hesitation passed through her eyes as soon as she heard what I said.
She nodded but she didn't say anything, not even an I love you too which is her usual reply.
"Can I ask you something?" She asked after clearing her throat.
"Sure, what is it?"
"What if Clea comes back?" She mumbled while trying to avoid my gaze. "What will you do?"
I gently held her chin, forcing her to look into my eyes. "Then she comes back. I don't care anymore."
She's insecure. I know she is. She's insecure not because she thinks she's not enough, she's insecure because of what the world has done. And it's unacceptable.
She nodded and hummed. She heaved a deep breath as she close her eyes.
I clicked my tongue. "Clea and I never happened and I am already done loving her, Athijha. So, if she ever comes back, then she comes back. You're the one I love now, Athijha. Please, don't doubt my love for you."
She smiled at me. "I..." She halted for a moment. "I love you, Quel." That was when I knew I am about to lose her. It might be any minute from now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or maybe I have already lost her without even realizing it.
"I love you," I repeated. She nodded. I took her toothbrush and put her toothpaste on it. "Come on, brush your teeth."
"Can you brush my teeth?" She said then opened her mouth. "My hand feels weak."
Adorable as a damn baby.
"Alright, alright," I sighed as I try to suppress myself from kissing her. "Next time, don't get yourself drunk. You look like a mess."
"I don't look like a mess. A baby doesn't look like a mess," She muttered which is barely understandable.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say."
I carried her to the bed when she leaned on me and fell asleep in that position.
"Baby," She mumbled.
I lied beside her then wrapped my arms around her waist. I pulled her closer to me then buried my face on the arc of her neck.
Tears started streaming down on my face uncontrollably. The lump in my throat is incredibly big that it almost block the passage of the air.
I stifled my sobs and tried to control my breath, afraid that I might wake her up.
I wept on her shoulders until my chest aches and until my throat feels like it's burning.
Dear God, please take away the pain she's feeling. Take all her worries away. Give her the comforta she seeks. Please give her all the love the world has taken away from her.
"Please, take care of my wife."
Because I can't take care of her even if I try. I always ends up breaking her, tearing her heart apart.
I love her so much.
I kissed her shoulder then caressed her hair as if I am caressing a baby's head.
I slowly got off from the bed and stared at her lovely face.
Save her, dear God. Save her even if it means taking her away from me. Even if it means I would never be able to touch her again. Because I know for the fact that I am a just sinner and she is a pure angel you sent.
Please, forgive me, dear God, because I am about to commit more unforgivable sins.
I planted a feathery kiss on her forehead, her cheeks, on her nose then to her lips.
"I'm sorry, love," I whispered. "I love you."