To The Moon And Back

Chapter 52

"Same goes to you," I forced a smile and nodded. "You won't stop loving him even if he keeps on hurting you."
I shook my head because I really want to stop so hard. I want to get rid of the feelings I am feeling for him so bad because I already suffered a lot be because of that.
I bowed my head then covered my mouth. "I don't know what to do anymore, River," I said between the sobs I was trying to stiffle. My voice was muffled so I wasn't sure if he understood what I told him.
He messed my hair. "I won't tell you to stop loving him because you have no control with that. And it's normal, clumsy girl. It is normal to fall in love and live with that feeling because it feels good to have that. And it is normal to get hurt, but it is bad not to pull yourself up when you stumble and fall."
I lifted my head. "I am standing up. See? I won't be here now if I didn't. I would be six feet under the ground if I chose to give up."
He smiled. "I am so proud of you, clumsy girl," He tucked his lips in. "But a little piece advice coming from a friend, put yourself first."
I shut my eyes and threw my back on the backrest. I covered my face then combed my hair using my fingers. "I don't know how to do that. I don't even know if I should let go or hold on because it's so hard. It is fucking hard enough leave me undecided."
"You'll know what to do soon enough, little girl. You'll know that you have to let go you cry more often than you smiled. You have to let go if pain is more dominant than happiness. Yes, you do love him but it's not okay thay it's just you who's holding on and fighting for the ties and vows you shared," He handed me a handkerchief. "It may be hard and painful to let go but sometimes, it's even more painful to hold on and put everything in place again."
"Letting go," I mumbled under my breath.
"A motorcycle won't run in just one wheel. It has to be balance and not one sided. A relationship won't have a progress if only one felt live for another. You should share vows and ties for love, nothing more, nothing less."
He just watched me cry while I'm listening intently on everything he's telling me.
"People usually choose to give up than choosing the other, than choosing to fight because that is the only thing thing they can do to keep themselves from breaking. That's the only choice, to let go. That letting go have lesser damage than holding on."
"They needed and they wanted to do that because they've done theri part so well to the point that it had their heart broken of multiple times. They had enough of holding on and preventing the one they love from slipping away."
"Athijha, listen, each decision should have a wise reason behind it in order to be easier to accept the outcomes of the choice you've made. So take what you think will make you and everything better, little girl. And most of all, keep in mind to move on in life."
He stopped talking and let me cry in front of him. He must be so disappointed to see me this weak. I mean, yes I am clumsy most of the time and he had witnessed some of it but I always projects myself as someone strong enough not to cry for help.
But then, this man made me realize that crying doesn't mean that you're weak, instead, it means that life had made you stronger. You cry not becausr you're giving up but you cry because you are not done and you are so much ready to fight the never ending war between life and death.
"Don't settle for less, okay?"
He sent me home and I felt so lucky because Quel isn't here yet. Well, I don't really know if he hava a plan to go home to me because of the situation.
I sighed and looked at the clock absentmindedly. It's past three AM. They were right when they said that time passes slowly when you're sad. It sucks staring at the clock for no reason except for waiting for someone that you're not sure if they're going to show up.
I laughed when I remembered my plan for the party. I planned to sleep there and talk to Clea because I got a feeling that we need some catching up to do. But I guess we'll do that some other time, I don't even had the chance to have an alone time with her.
I crawled on the bed and stared at the ceiling blankly until I fell asleep.
{I won't tell you to stop loving him because you have no control with that. And it's normal, clumsy girl. It is normal to fall in love and live with that feeling because it feels good to have that. And it is normal to get hurt, but it is bad not to pull yourself up when you stumble and fall.}
{You'll know what to do soon enough, little girl. You'll know that you have to let go you cry more often than you smiled. You have to let go if pain is more dominant than happiness. Yes, you do love him but it's not okay thay it's just you who's holding on and fighting for the ties and vows you shared. What was the real reason why was your face tainted by dried tears?}
{A motorcycle won't run in just one wheel. It has to be balance and not one sided. A relationship won't have a progress if only one felt live for another. You should share vows and ties for love, nothing more, nothing less.}
{People usually choose to give up than choosing the other, than choosing to fight because that is the only thing thing they can do to keep themselves from breaking. That's the only choice, to let go. That letting go have lesser damage than holding on.}
{They needed and they wanted to do that because they've done theri part so well to the point that it had their heart broken of multiple times. They had enough of holding on and preventing the one they love from slipping away.}
{Athijha, listen, each decision should have a wise reason behind it in order to be easier to accept the outcomes of the choice you've made. So take what you think will make you and everything better, little girl. And most of all, keep in mind to move on in life.}
{It may be hard and painful to let go but sometimes, it's even more painful to hold on and put everything in place again.
{Don't settle for less, okay?}
Rivers words keeps on ringing in my mind during the photoshoot and I knew I did bad.
"Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Let's call it a day for now."
They weren't satisfied with my performance. I smiled at the back of my head then sighed. I'm a little disappointed with my performance too so I promised myself that I'll do better tomorrow.
I have decided to end it all as early as possible. I have decided to break the vows I have said on our wedding day. I finally chose to let go.
I was busy eating lunch when someone called. I gritted my teeth the moment I realized that it was him again. I chose not to answer it because I knew that it would be just a waste of time but he won't let me eat in silence.
I asnwered his call when I let my appetite go down.
"What do you want?" I asked while gritting my teath.
My jaw clenched when I heard his psychotic laughter from the other line.
[You're becoming feisty as day passes by, huh? Should I be proud that you've grown being disrespectful?] He let out a sarcastic laugh when I remained silence even after insulting me. [Anyway, aren't you going to check on your beloved husband. I bet you won't so I called to inform you about what's happening under my roof.]
"I don't need another lie from you. I don't want to heard anything what you wanted to say so just fuck off and quit bothering me!"
I dropped the call and place my hand against my racing heart. I was panting in furiousness. I wanted to throw and break my simcard just to stop him from messing with me. But I can't do that since I am also using that to have a contact with the agency, my friends and of course, to him.
I have blocked everything he's using to pester me through call but he can fucking afford to buy another so it's so useless to put an effort.
I was about to lean on the backrest when I felt my stomach turning. My forehead creased but I still hurried to the bathroom because it would be so embarrassing to throw up right here.
I locked myself in one of the cubicles and throw up everything that's making me sick.
I wiped my mouth using a tissue paper. I stormed out of the cubicle then leaned my hands on the sink to support my weight when my body weakened.
I stared at my reflection, trying to remember the food I'm alergic with. I mean, I must have eaten something bad to get this kind of body reaction, right?
I heaved a deep breath then washed my face, revealing how pale I am without any make up. I wiped my lipstick away, my lips is not as pale as this. My lips is usually pale.
I went back in the cubicle when I was about to throw up again.
I immediately left the restuarant after paying my bills. I wore my sunglasses and a cap as I keep my mouth shut. I was keeping my breathing calm, afraid that the lump in my throat will grow bigger.