To The Moon And Back

Chapter 23

Everything and everyone around us has a purpose in our life. They helps us find where we belong. They helps us understand life better. They helps us build our future and ourselves. That's what I believe until now.
But at this time, at this exact moment, I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't know what's the purpose of everything that has been happening or the purpose of everyone around me. Are they helping me to find where I belong? Because I honestly think they don't because I feel so lost that I don't even know if I really belong here.
They doesn't help me understand life better, instead, they made me think that it's better to be burried six feet under the ground. That life means death while death means living in peace.
I can't figure out what I want in the future. I can't even see myself having a future or if I do, I see myself lying in the gorgeous silver casket. They're not helping on building me up, they're destroying me. They wanna see me struggling and dying.
But still, I can't help but to blame myself. After all, it's my fault why they're doing that. Because I'm not enough. Because I'm lacking on everything they wanna see. I belong to the trashes and that's why.
I'm just a broken equipment which is too hard to recycle that's why all of them who tried to fix me quit on me.
I just tried to fix them and everything too. Their loads left in pieces. Why can't they do the same to me? I need saving too.
I moved moved my finger and tilted my head. My throat feels dry. I groaned but I heard no sounds.
"And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow..." My mouth parted when I heard a familiar voice singing my favorite song. "You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And I don't wanna go home right now."
I opened my eyes only to find out that my hunch was right. Exiquel is sitting on a chair next to my bed while his eyes are closed. His arms are crossed under his chest while his face is facing upwards.
"And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight,"
I gulped as I carefully sat on my bed, not wanting to disturb him. I can tell that he swallowed by the movement of his Adam's apple.
"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am,"
I can clearly see his well-defined jawline at this view. With his calm aura, he looks like a hot angel sent by above.
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive,"
But, Quel, who are you singing to? Are you singing that for me or... nevermind. I laid back and watched him.
"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
He slowly opened his eyes and met mine. He dropped  his emotions, completely staring at me like I don't exist at all. Like he's staring on a blank wall.
I averted my gaze when I can't bear the intensity of his stares. I can see him standing from my peripherals. I followed him with my eyes. I bet he's dialing a nurse to assist me.
A minute have passed and the door opened. It revealed River who's smiling widly and brightly like he's a ray of sunshine.
"Hi, Athijha," He waved.
"River," I mumbled. "What are you doing here?"
He proudly pointed his name tag. I was surprised that I wasn't able to mumble a word. Never have I ever thought that he's actually in the medical field.
"You're an intern? Here?"
He snapped his fingers and nodded. "That's right. Now let me check you,"
I let him do his thing. I don't know what he was doing except when he checked my vital point.
My forehead creased when my gaze landed on Quel. His eyebrows are furrowed and I noticed how howrd he gripped on his phone. He might ruin it and hurt his hand. Despite of that, I refused to talk.
I averted my gaze. I wonder what made him frown. It's probably something bad.
"Where did you get this wound?" River asked while removing the bandage.
I hissed when the alcohol made a contact with my wound. I was about to answer when the door opened.
Chills traveled through my spine when I recognized who entered the scene. Flashbacks of what he did that night brought back the fear and pain.
"Athijha?" River called.
"Oh," I tried my best to avoid looking at the two other men in the room. "I... I slipped at the garden and hit my head on the rough surface." I reasoned out.
"I didn't know you're that clumsy." I glared at him which made him chuckle a bit.
"Athijha," My eyes wondered around and ended up dropping my gaze when I can't bring myself to look at him.
"Y-yes, dad?"
"I already paid the bills. Make sure this won't happen again. You're wasting my money."
He turned his back. I hid my trembling hands under the blanket and fisted it. My blood started to boil. Is it... is it my fault? How dare he? I'm wasting his money? I would not be here if not for him!
I can feel my nails penetrating my palm but I can't bring myself to mind it. It was like the temperature of the room dropped because of his sudden appearance and dropped even more when he left because of the strong emotion inside me that wants to be free.
River left when his duty called for him. He gave a pat on the shoulder and left a white rose. At first I can't process why and I started thinking about things I shouldn't entertain. Does he like me? But no. Minutes after he left, I let out a soft smile when I remembered white roses doesn't only stand for pure love, it also signifies healing.
That simple thought made me wanna cry. For the first time, a person actually cared about me. I was happy even if I don't know if it's real or not.
My train of thoughts were interrupted when I heard a cough. I looked at the only one left with me. He's caressing his chest while drinking water.
"Are you okay?" I asked in a faint voice.
He glared at me. "Shut up." He uttered while gritting his teeth.
He turned his back and stormed out of my room. I wa s left astounded on the bed with parted mouth.
I didn't expect that. I mean, how could I? He used to treat me as someone precious. He used to treat me like I am someone fragile who needs love and care.
I sighed. "It's so unfair. I mumbled."
I laid on my back. The room is so silent that I can almost hear the drops of coming from the dextrose. It's too silent that the sound of my beating heart seems loud.
I tilted my head to right. Clea's image flashed at the back of my mind. I imagined her, crying silently at night while all I did was to wish upon the moon for the world to treat me fairly. I craved for affection from a family that she gets when she made me feel loved in her unique way. Little did I know, the world has always been unfair to her too. I can only imagine her agony.
The thought of my sister passed while Quel suddenly popped and replaced her from occupying my mind.
The moments he called me by my name with a smile on his face flashed simultaneously. The times when he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and the times embraced me lurks inside and filled my mind like it is a wide ballroom.
The memory of my nineteenth birthday came. I clenched my chest. That was the first time he ever treated me like his queen. That was the first time he looked at me with admiration even if it's just a small piece of a hundred.
A lone tear fell from my eyes even if they're  shut. The moment I let myself see my surroundings, warm liquid streamed down my cheeks like my eyes were a broken faucet.
I thought I have ran out of tears. Didn't know I have a whole dam. I'm not aware it's not limited. I sighed. I dried my tears and tried my very best not look like I just cried another cup of tears.
I sat down as fast as I could when the door swung open, causing me to wince when my wound throbbed like a hell. I caressed my temples and slowly lay down.
"I thought you already left." I uttered with a small smile, feeling a little happy knowing that he's back in here again.
"I'm not as selfish as you, Athijha." He said in a flat tone.
"I'm not selfish, Quel." I whispered under my breath, I do not intend to make an argument so I said it in a way he would not hear but he did anyway.
"A thief doesn't admit his crimes," He smirked while his eyes are like void, it's empty. "Deny it all you want, Athijha."
"Shut up. Your voice makes me sick."
"Then why did you come back?" I finally fired the question. "Why don't you just leave me here alone and attend your classes?!"
His smirk widened. He planted his elbows on his thighs and looked at me directly in the eyes. "I don't want to be here too, Athijha." He placed his chin above his knuckles. "I can't disobey my parents." He mimicked how I said that at the cliff.
I shook my head. "I did not lie about that, Quel."