To The Moon And Back

Chapter 77

I showed him his keys. He looked at me in the face then squinted his eyes. He grabbed the keys from my hands then clicked his tongue.
"First, you sounded like my wife. And now, you look like her," He held his temple. "Fuck! I know that I am drunk but this is too much. I think I am seeing a lot of apparitions right now."
"What? Are you on drugs?"
"My dad will kill me if I do. And I don't want to try taking drugs, he'll get disappointed even more."
I stared at him. "Fuck," He cursed under his breath then poked my faced. He took a step backwards. "You're real."
"Well, I am not a ghost," I rolled my eyes then grabbed the keys from his grasp.
"Athijha," He called my name then pulled me by the wrist. "Athijha."
"What now?"
I opened the passenger seat of his car then guided him. "Get in, drunk man."
He laughed. "Okay, my wife. Don't be so annoyed," He was chuckling so he almost knocked his head. "Careful, love."
I shut the door then went to the driver's seat. "I'll take you home."
"I can bring myself home, Athijha. You don't have to worry about me."
"No, if you get into accident, my conscience will probably hunt me to death because I let you drive."
He was smiling but something is really off about him. Something is playing in his eyes that reflects the things that are running in his mind.
I tucked myself in while driving. "Where should I take you? Tell me the address before you pass out. I don't want to take you at my house or book a hotel for you."
"Just take me home," He replied.
"Where is that goddamn home? Your parents house? Your condo? Where?" I asked in frustration.
"At our home, Athijha."
That shut me up. I don't know what to say. "So you are still living there, huh?" I muttered, not cautious that he might get suspicious about me.
"Of course. That's our house, love. That's our home," He chuckled. "Can you remember everything now, Athijha?"
I tucked my lips in then nodded when I felt his gaze on me. "Yes," I replied in a whispering tone.
"I am glad," He said. "But love, do you remember what the date today is?" He asked in a hopeful tone.
"What? Is it your birthday?" I joked.
My eyes widened when I heard his sobs. I slowed down then looked at him. It's a good thing that we're not in the highway.
I know what he's trying to say. I know for the fact what he's talking about. I just don't want to entertain it
"I understand. I can't blame you for not remembering anything about it," He was trying to wipe away the tears that keeps on coming. "But love, something deep in me is hurting not for me but for him. Jha, this is the day that we lost him. This is the day that our child died."
I parked the car then leaned on the backrest. I closed my eyes then sighed. I never knew that witnessing this state of him will be this painful.
"Sometimes, I think of dying. I tried to take my life a lot of times but I was always stopped. I spent months in a psychiatric ward because I went insane. We lost him and I lost you. I don't know how to live my life anymore."
The man who have hurt me a lot of times is crying uncontrollably in front of me.
"I told myself that if it's that hard for me, then it is probably harder for you. You're a mom. You did your best to protect our child. I thought of that even if it is all over the media that you're dead. I refuse to believe that.
It was so hard to keep myself sane when you left. I have lost coung of how many times I dialed your number and called your name. I was imagining tje both of you living in paradise and you don't need me there anymore.
I was so afraid that I might hurt you... that I might cause harm for the both of you again despite of my willingness to die so that I can finally be with you without worrying of the world around us.
In those days, weeks and months, I let myself get drowned into alcohol. Hoping to forget everything even just for a minute or an hour, or a day perhaps. But I was always reminded of everything I have done to lose the both of you. Everything I have done that caused me to lose the greatest love of mg life.
Then poof! I saw you at the subway train, wearing a hoodie and comfortably sitting in front of me."
"Stop it," I mumbled. "You're hurting yourself, Quel. And you're making everything hard for me again."
"I made a promise to him you know. I promised that I'll make it up to you. Thag I'll fix everything between us. Then I imagined him smiling at me. In my imagination, he have this green eyes like yours. His lips are identical to yours and the rest of his features was mine.
Whenever I close my eyes since I made that promise, his face pops up in my mind like he has given me permition to do that. To let me help you in your healing. I have no plans on breaking that promise, love. I'll make it up to you in every possible way."
I heaved a deep breath and swallowed the big lump in my throat.
I started driving again and the both of us suddenly fell into silence.
I went out if the car and was about to guide him out but it seems like he doesn't need any help anymore.
"It's okay, Jha. I am not drunk anymore," He flashed a smile. "You're back in here again."
Yeah, and nothing has changed. It's still the house I used to go to because you were here.
"You should take my car on your way home. It's dangerous."
"No, thanks," I declined.
"Athijha."
"No matter how much you put authority and warning in your voice, you can't order me to use this since I left my friend's car at the parking lot of the restuarant in front of the club where you drowned yourself."
He took a remote out of his pants. "Then might as well spend the night here instead of going home at this hour."
I pulled my hair in frustration when he turned his back while playing with the keys he grabbed from my hand.
I watched him fade from my sight while standing in front of the gate. Hesitating on what should I do next.
But that bastard left me with no choice! He probably locked the ways out of this place. Fucking hell! So this is how you manipulate me this time huh?
So annoying! Utterly annoying!
I stayed there for thirty minutes, just staring at the front view of the house.
And since the mosquitoes and already partying because of my blood, I decided to get in the house.
The lights are off and no one's around. Seems like he's living here alone. Did he fire the maids here?
It's so quiet and cold. Nothing really changed. The paintings on the walls I chose are still there.
The only thing that has changed here is that. That drafting table at the corner used to sit in his room.
I slowly walked towards it and looked at the blueprint lying on it. This is the blueprint of this house. I guess he's planning to renovate this. I mean... if you want to forget about something you'll change everything and chase away the things connected to it, right?
It is basically the opposite of acceptance.
The longer I stare at the blueprint, the further I understand what he wants.
The lump in my throat started get larger. I gently touched the paper with ny fingertips. I traced the letters of the labels he put on it.
Athijha's Garden.
Athijha's Library.
Pool.
His Room. (My child's room.)
I took several steps backwards which almost led me into losing my balance.
Everything on those papers are dedicated to me and our deceased child.
I looked up then walked away from that thing.
I climbed upstairs in silence. Finding some things that also have changed but I spotted nothing.
I stood by the door of my old room. Hesitating if I should get in or not. I placed my palm against the wooden door then sighed.
As soon as I opened the door, a familiar scent evaded my nose. The scent of his perfume mixed with his natural scent is all over the place like he has been staying or sleeping here.
I turned the lights on. Excluding the scent of this room, nothing has changed. The covers of my pillows, the comforter, the mattress of my bed, the curtains and the furnitures are still on the places where I remembered them.
It is neat though. It seems like everything is getting cleaned and washed everyday.