To The Moon And Back

Chapter 65

"And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am,"
Do you know who I am, Quel? I was once your girl.
Do you know who I am, Zein? I am your mother, baby. You came from my womb, my little angel.
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies,"
The truth that you have been trying so hard to keep in yourself must be revealed. The truth that lies beneath the facade of pain.
"When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive,"
His voice rang in my head. I remembered those moments when he sings this song. The sound of his voice never really failed to amuse my soul.
I just want you all to know that... that I am alive and kicking, safe and sound, and not numb enough to be a robot a lot of people expected me to be.
"And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,"
The world once saw a glimpse of me and it turned out to be disaster.
"When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am,"
I am me. This is me. This is my reality. It is a war yet it is serene. I am a warrior who fights but I am not a shield everyone can use to be saved from the disaster.
"And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,"
They know what had happened but thry never understand. People tends to pretend that they understand you to try to comfort you but little did they know, they're actually making it worst.
"When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am,"
People are meant to be broken because the world is broken. We can't expect someone to be perfect because the word itself is flawed and the world is shattered.
"And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am,"
At the end of the song, I let my hand fall on the soft mattress of the bed while my other hand gripped on the guitar tightly.
I am proud of myself. I am so proud of myself because I managed to let my memories flow without actually breaking down.
I am proud of myself because I did a great job of standing with the promise to myself that I'll grow and be the better version of myself.
I am proud because I have made it this far even after all the trials. After being monitored for a year to prevent myself from committing the same sin I have committed before.
I am proud because little by little, I get to stand up with my own feet. I have grown stronger. Unlike before, I always had to lean on someone.
I smiled to myself the moment I saw my own reflection on the tinted glass of the veranda.
My eyes doesn't look dead anymore. I am starting to see the glowing eyez of mine. I can't even remember when was the last time I saw my eyes sparkling without any reason but to live.
I once thought that a person can't possibly feel anything but sadness without anyone's affection. It turns out, I was wrong.
Loving yourself is a lot more fulfilling than knowing that someone loves you. Though, you still need to be loved.
I rolled on my bed and stretched my body like a cat. I moaned then smiled while my eyes are closed.
I yawned while rubbing my eyes. I pulled myself up then gazed at the wall clock at the left side of the room.
I pouted the moment I saw what time is it. It's just five thirty in the morning. The sun hasn't even rised yet.
I took one of my pillow and let myself fall on the bed again. I used the pillow to cover my head and sucked my thumb. I closed my eyes and since I am still as sleepy as hell, I immediately fell into slumber.
I groaned when my sleep was disturbed by someone's call. Why did he have to call this early?
I didn't bothered to open my eyes, I reached for the table beside my bed and let my hand find my phone. I grabbed it and answered the call in a polite tone regardless of the annoyance than I am feeling.
[Good morning, love. I love you.]
I groaned when I found out that it's Exiquel who called me.
"What now? Why do you have call me this fucking early?" I responded with a hint of annoyance.
[Early? Love, it's already nine in morning. Get up already.] He said then chuckled.
"Fuck the time then. I am still as sleepy as hell. How dare you bother my beauty sleep?"
[You've been cursing a lot these past few weeks.] He clicked his tongue. [Where's my innocent, baby? Leave her body now, Iris. You've been a bad influence to my baby.]
"Will you fucking shut your dirty mouth, Exiquel?" I pulled myself out of my bed and went in my veranda.
I leaned on the railings while yawning. "Answer me, Exiquel. Do you have to call me every fucking day?"
[Well, maybe. I mean, I just want to bless my day with your voice since you can't bless it with your presence, love.]
I gave the coconut tree a deadpan look like I am looking at Exiquel.
[Are you coming back into my arms, Love?]
I sighed then rolled my eyes. "I am dropping this call."
I ended the call and set my phone on airplane mode. I did my morninf routine before heading out of my room.
Five weeks. I have been staying here for five weeks and I fell myself getting better each day.
I am finally okay with the memories of my family who did not treat me as one but not with memories of me losing a part of my life. I haven't moved on from losing my child.
Three weeks ago, when I asnwered Exiquel's call after two weeks of ignoring him, he has been so persistent of coming back into his life.
He has been calling me every morning, at nine AM to be specific. He still thinks that I have an amnesia though.
He tells me some stories about what happened before. He reminds me some silly moments and the dramatic ones which I find helpful to my healing.
He wasn't lying this time. He's telling me the truth but in his own point of view.
I shook my head and threw my phone on the bed.
I wore a two-piece yellow bikini and headed to the beach to have a short dip.
The sand feels ticklish against my feet while the water feels soothing against my skin which made me feel so relaxed.
I let my body float on the water as I was facing the blue sky. The warmth of the sun freely touched my skin.
I closed my eyes since it is too bright for my vision to take in.
I swam towards the gigantic rock and sat at the top of it.
I used both of my hands to support my body when I leaned backwards.
I smiled, imagining myself as the queen of the mermaids who rules the seas.
Silly me. I stood up and dove on the deep, crystal clear water. I was greeted by the fishes who were wandering in groups. I lifted my head to catch some air to breathe.
I went into the sands when I got tired of swimming. I wore my bathrobe and picked up the shells I have collected earlier. I climbed upstairs to rinse the salts that was left on my body and put on a comfortable outfit.
"Good morning, Miss Rebekah."
"Good morning too. You are done swimming, Assia?" Miss Rebekah asked when I passed on her room and she went out at the same moment.
"Yes, Miss Rebekah. You should try it too. It is so refreshing," I said then winked at her.
She nodded. "Maybe some other time."
"Sure, I'll go rinse my body first, Miss Rebekah. I am quite shivering now," I said.
She chuckled. "Sure thing. After that, go downstairs, okay? They're already preparing our breakfast."
I nodded as a response and carefully walked towards my room, afraid that I might stumble or slipped. I don't want to end up having a back ache because carelessness and clumsiness.
I put on a grey tank top and a white shorts. I dried my hair so that I can style it the way I want.
I put my hair into a twin braids from the back and up to my head then put it into cute twin bun. I let some strands fall on my face to complete the look.
If my are chinky, I would probably get mistaken as a Chinese girl. Damn, this look is so cute on me.
I wore my fluffy slippers and walked downstairs in a hurry since I can smell the delicious aroma of the food they served for the breakfast.
It made me hungry that my saliva almost tasted sweet because of it.