To The Moon And Back

Chapter 53

I went to the pharmacy first to buy some stuff such as medicine and another thing that would clear my mind from confusion and curiosity. I have bought five pregnancy test to make sure about my suspicion.
I was gulping for several times while driving on my way home. I am nervous. I am scared. I am happy. I can't understand what I am feelibg right now because the result of those things later will decide if I'm still going to let go or hold on to give the baby a complete family.
I was walking back and fort inside the bathroom while waiting for the result. I don't want to look at it.
Tears are streaming down my face for several reasons. They're streaming down my cheeks to comfort and make me feel the fear that I might be the worst mom if I ever do what I want without thinking about what he'd feel if I refuse to tell his father and take him away from this messy world.
My tears flowed more aggressively and faster the moment I saw the result. All of them have two lines which I knew means positive.
"What am I supposed to do now?"
I leaned on the wall and let my body glide down to the floor. I covered my mouth while one of my hands traveled from my chest down to my stomach and gently caressed it.
I am pregnant. There's a life growning inside of me and I don't know how to tell Quel about this without ruining his dreams for the second time around.
I read the message when my phone beeped.
[Don't you really want to know the truth? But sorry, my little girl, I want to inform you about it.]
[Exiquel Saavedra, your beloved husband and Cleandra Alonso, your sister that you wanted to protect so bad betrayed you, Athijha. They slept together last night.]
I wanted to throw my phone so bad after reading that but I chose to just drop it on the floor.
I pulled my hair in pain.
I wanted to shout so bad.
I wanted to go there and slap them both so bad.
I wanted to cry outloud.
But I can't. I can't and I would never dare to do that.
Because I knew that it is my fault in the first place. I am at fault.
He loves her so much.
I accept that fact.
I just can't accept the fact that I still felt betrayed even after all of everything that has happened.
I caressed my tummy and smiled at it. "I'm so sorry that you have to be born in this chaotic family. But I promise, my child, I promise that I'll do anything to make you feel loved. I won't let them hurt you. We'll keep that promise. Hold on to mommy, okay? I'll protect you no matter what."
I pulled myself up and cleaned my body. I hid the pregnancy tests I have used in the safest place I know so that Exiquel won'tsee it if he ever comes around. I prepared a milk for me to drink before going to bed.
I know I have to rest, especially now that I have found another reason to keep on fighting even if I am broken as hell.
I carefully lay on bed and covered half of my body with comforter. I can't stop myself from touching my tummy. I don't know, maybe I just want him to know that he is loved even if he is not yet born.
I smiled weakly when I heard the sound of his car, elt his footsteps on the floor, because I knew that he is finally around after a day of not showing up in this house. He is finally around.
I shut my eyes when I heard the door of my room creaking.
"Love?" He called.
I tried my best to keep myself steady and calm when he called me with that endearment. Our endearing. I tried my best not to shed a single tear especially when I felt the side of the bed sank.
"You look so tired," He mumbled then put some strands of my hair away from my face.
I almost trembled in pain when he kissed me on my forehead like he did not do anything that might hurt me.
"I love you, Athijha."
I can't bring myself to believe that anymore because I knew that it wasn't true. I knew for the fact that it's just because of a mere obligation and not love.
I wantef to shout at his face that he should stop doing things that are obviously hurting me because a child is relying on my health now.
"I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to accompany you home last night, hmm? I'll make it up to you, love. I'll make it up to you."
I knew he layed beside me because the bed where he was sank even more.
I almost forgot to breath when he wrapped his arms around my waist. His hand was resting on my stomach.
I'm so glad that he's facing my back because a lone tear fell from my eyes.
Your daddy is holding you, my child. Do you feel his love? He loves you so much, don't ever forget that.
I thought.
My mouth parted when he started humming my favorite song while he's placing his head against my neck.
I almost gave up on my facade because I really wanted to hug him back. I wanted to tell him about our child. I wanted to scream with him in happiness because we will be having our first born after nine months.
But if I do that, I knew I won't get to change whatever that will harm my baby.
I let myself rest the night he lied about what he feels for me again.
I kept pretending that everything is fine and acted like I know nothing at all.
I acted like I have no knowledge about what he told Clea. I acted like I am not aware of what he really feels. I acted like I have no idea ehat has happened that fucking night. I acted like I don't know that he slept with Clea.
I did not want to show myself to him these past few days. I avoided him, trying to pull myself together to it won't hurt that much anymore when he tells me that he wants to divorce me.
I kept on smiling at him like how I used to. I smiled at him lovingly but this time, with a hint of torned between letting go and holding on to the hope that we might patch things up once our child gets to see the world outside my womb.
My knees weakened when he hugged me from the back.
"Good morning, love. What are you cooking?" He asked in a husky tone.
I reached for his cheeks without looking at him. "Good morning too, Quel. I am making adobo. A Filipino dish I saw on facebook. I suddenly craved for it so here I am, cooking with the help of the internet." I responded in a busy tone while keeping my eyes locked on my phone's screen as the video plays continuously.
He placed his chin on my shoulders which made me feel a tickling sensation.
I chuckled then gently pushed his head away.
"Do you want some coffee?" He asked and showed me the powdered black coffee beans in a jar while waving it with a smile.
I answered it with a smile and a little shaking of my head. "No, thank you, Quel. I already had a glass of milk before preparing these."
He looked at me with a smile which have a hint of amusement. "Woah, that's new."
"I just want to lessen my caffeine intake. And please drink that coffee quite far from me, okay?"
It's weird because I used to love the scent of the coffee but now, I find it kinda stinky. I don't like the scent because it makes me feel like throwing up. Maybe it's because of hormones? One of the effects of pregnancy in my body?
Maybe. I don't know.
"Why? Are you going to get jealous? Come on, love, don't restrain yourself from getting what you love," He teased.
But the thing is, I hate the coffee.
I looked at hik with a dead eye even if I know that he doesn't mean anything rather than the thing about the coffee.
I washed my hands and faced him. I slowly walked towards him witbout breaking our eye contact.
"Don't restrain myself from getting what I love?" I mumbled while tracing the edge of the counter. "I wasn't restraining myself from getting what I love, Quel. But everything I love- everyone rather, everyone I love seems to turn their backs on me once they find someone better."
I stopped when we are just a feet apart. I smiled weakly. "I can never get what I love, Quel. They always slip away before I could even get a hold of them," I took several steps backwards after averting my gaze. "And about the coffee, I don't like coffee anymore, Quel. So, do you mind drinking that somewhere I couldn't see? It makes me kind of uncomfortable."
His mouth parted while staring at me. I saw how his Adam's apple moved moved when he gulped. I saw him avert his gaze on me from my peripherals.
"Wh-" He stopped himself from asking, I know that. "Sure, if that's what you want," He flashed a faint smile. "I'll be on the balcony then. I'll be back once I finish drinking this."
Once that I have made sure that he is already out from my sight, I gently slapped my cheeks and chuckled upon realizinf how stupid I am.
I knew I kinda sound jealous because of the way I talked. Or maybe I sounded mad. Well, I just can't suppress the sarcasm I am feeling when he called me love.
I knew that I am fragile, but I can't believe that I am this fragile that I am also hurting whenever I see pain in his eyes.